It's gotta be you, wonderful you

On Dirty Dancing -Time of Your Life one of the judges comments towards a young dancing couple was that she couldn't see who they were-she felt she knew nothing about them. In other words, they weren't expressing their personalities through their dancing, they were revealing nothing of their inner world. Their passion, hearts and souls were hidden, their dancing was fine on the outside but lacked depth and substance to captivate and move the audience.

Later, that day on the X Factor, Simon Cowells' comments to a young female singer were the same. He said, 'I don't know who you are', meaning that she wasn't allowing her true self to be seen and connect with the audience. It's simply not enough to have a good voice or be a good dancer, there needs to be charisma, star quality and a magnetic, real person shining through to make people care about and remember you.

I place a lot of importance on being who you are. On the road to your wedding day, there is a great opportunity to find out more about who you are so that you may bring a whole person to your wedding day and into your marriage.

For any kind of personal success, it's essential to be who you are and as a bride on your wedding day, it's not enough to go through the motions, to be how you think others expect you to be or to try and impress. For a truly fulfilling and memorable experience you need to bring your individual self to the table and connect with what you are doing. Or, you may just find that like the judges watching the performers, you are left with an empty, flat feeling that causes you great problems further down the line.

Don't be that bride! The one that can't even remember her wedding ceremony or who looks back on the day as if she were role playing in some kind of dream. Be the one that sings her own song, dances to her own tune and spend the months before you marry getting to know yourself like you've never done before.

You'll be glad you did.

I place a lot of importance on being who you are. On the road to your wedding day, there is a great opportunity to find out more about who you are so that you may bring a whole person to your wedding day and into your marriage.

For any kind of personal success, it's essential to be who you are and as a bride on your wedding day, it's not enough to go through the motions, to be how you think others expect you to be or to try and impress. For a truly fulfilling and memorable experience you need to bring your individual self to the table and connect with what you are doing. Or, you may just find that like the judges watching the performers, you are left with an empty, flat feeling that causes you great problems further down the line.

Don't be that bride! The one that can't even remember her wedding ceremony or who looks back on the day as if she were role playing in some kind of dream. Be the one that sings her own song, dances to her own tune and spend the months before you marry getting to know yourself like you've never done before.

You'll be glad you did.

VALUABLE VOWS!

Last Sunday 21st October was our wedding anniversary. We married seven years ago at Portmeirion in North Wales on the most beautiful autumn day that felt more like late summer. And seven years later in Brighton, the warm sunshine and clear blue skies brought the memory of our wedding day to the forefront of our minds and put us in a mood conducive to good times.

I wrote a blog entry on the day but somehow lost it before I posted. Perhaps it was fate-maybe it was too sentimental. In a nutshell, I admitted that this year had been a struggle. Though we have been in a relationship for 20 years, we were both feeling the seven year itch thing-some days wondering why we were together feeling nothing but distance between each other.

We have changed a lot; evolved-me especially. We realise that we need to re-establish our relationship to each other and not expect things to just remain the same. We need to continue evolving as a couple. The good news is the desire to do that is there for both of us.

Our wedding anniversary was more significant than we had anticipated. We expected little and got a lot. We got each other. With nothing really planned we just allowed the day to unfold and as we wandered down to the beach and had lunch at a restaurant overlooking the sea, I felt thankful and content to still be married. It was effortlessly special and naturally romantic.

I write this for a reason. WEDDING VOWS. Without them, we may well have thrown in the towel before now. When you allow yourself to be in the moment and emotionally connect with your vows, it is a powerful feeling indeed. The tradition and ritual of a wedding ceremony, civil or religious, cannot be underestimated. It is the nucleus and substance of your wedding and the thing that can make the grandest impact on you and your life. Getting married, for me, was a much needed anchor, for my husband too I believe.

I married a man that I loved. Nothing more, nothing less. He was an imperfect match and still is. Sometimes, I question whether I love him in the same way but then I'm reminded that I still do-I care for him too and he has always, always been able to make me laugh-his wit is inimitable.

At the time, I knew why I was getting married, what it meant to me , it's place in my life and I understand that even more now. It's one of life's opportunities that I think is very often misread and misunderstood. Here's my take on it-it's a simple quote by a man called Joseph Barth which sums it all up for me, 'Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.' Within a sea of stress and anxiety, confusion and doubt, that quote is a helpful beacon of light that can make sense of all the modern day pre wedding madness and help to show you the way.

Then, you have your vows. If they come from you, and you speak them from your heart, they will be absorbed into your being and when you veer off course, they will be right there to put you back on track. Suck it and see. It's working for me!

Dressing from the Inside Out

I don't know about anyone else, but I thought that Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie on her wedding day in the new Sex & the City film looked like a cross between Cruella de Ville and a character from a restoration comedy. Over made-up and over styled, she just looked daft! It was more like a spoof of Sex & the City -I found it hard to believe that they were serious.

The wedding dress is a big old subject. So big in fact that it now has a TV show dedicated to choosing one.
'Say Yes to the Dress,' is a 13 part series on U.S. channel TLC. Here's a taster-the clip I saw went like this- Assistant: 'What do you want to look like in your dress?' Bride to be: 'Barbie.' !!!!!!!! It's billed as part fashion show, part bridal story, part family therapy and tells the 'fascinating tales of the women who are in search of the most important dress they will ever buy.'

And with message like that, it's no wonder that for many brides, the success of their wedding day depends on finding that one perfect dress. In their minds, it is the thing that finally transforms them from normal to special to fulfil their lifelong fantasy of a fairytale wedding. It is a major issue and after the date and venue are decided, it's at the top of the list as a priority.

I do feel that a brides attitude towards her dress is often indicative of her attitude towards her wedding. Too much focus on the dress usually means little or no focus on the reason that she's wearing it in the first place. Whereas, the bride who is consciously preparing herself to be married, who is looking forward to the action and words of the ceremony may well place less emphasis on searching for a dress that makes her feel and look like a princess. She is more likely to want a dress that says something about who she is, on the inside.

When the dress comes up during coaching, my question is, 'Who do you want to be on your wedding day? What aspects of yourself do you want to highlight-which parts of your character and personality do you want to bring out and get in touch with?How will you capture your unique style?Indeed, what is your unique style? These are thought provoking questions that help to reveal how you feel about yourself.

If I'm honest, I sometimes think that full on wedding dresses look a bit ridiculous. What looked good in the shop, often looks out of place in the venue and it's a good idea to take that into account. Think about the size, style and mood of the place that you will marry in before you get carried away and in your weak, 'Oh mommy moment', ( One Perfect Day, by Rebecca Mead describing the moment the bride believes she finds THE dress of dresses) you get stung for a veil and tiara too! The last thing you want to do is look back at your photos and think,'what on earth possessed me to wear THAT. What was I thinking?

It's so easy to get swept along by the romance of it all, and to buy into that whole bridal image hook, line and sinker. I'm not saying don't do it-I'm just suggesting some thought, some contemplation about yourself and who you are at the centre of it all so that your dress choice comes from you. You got it-from THE INSIDE OUT!

Simply the Best

dita von teese - by georges antoni - for harper's bazaar, originally uploaded by fashion.inspiration.

My best friend is getting married. Not to the man that she spent twelve years with. Neither to the one that she spent the last three years with. No. She's marrying the man that she never stopped loving after she split up with him over sixteen years ago! I wasn't surprised. Just a few weeks into her new found singledom, she told me that they were in regular contact and that she was going to visit him in France for a week. She returned happy and confident that she would be moving there to be with him and after the second visit he had asked her to marry him. Mais, bien sur!

We spent an afternoon chatting in my kitchen about her plans to marry in Soho in London with an intimate party of family and close friends. She's wants to go for a forties/Dita Von Teese look-how marvellous-and she's hoping to pull together some of the wildly talented Soho characters that she's known over the last 20 years to sing and play some ad hoc tunes.

I asked her what I could do to help and she said -'You're my Best Woman-did I not tell you? No, I said-never mentioned it-but I'd be honoured-what do you want me to do. 'Well, she said, arrange it, style it, everything.' 'And a speech?' 'Oh, yes, please , I'd love that,' she said. No pressure, then. Truly, she's my closest friend of over 20 years, I am so very happy for her and proud to be playing a significant role in her day. I know it's going to be gloriously unconventional.

I am sharing this story because she knows how to be authentic. She feels no pressure to conform and no need to fulfil expectations. She will wear her favoured dark tones to marry in and there will be no bridesmaids, ushers, wedding cars, chair sashes, gift list but it will be rich in personality, spirit, intention and love. It will be a great celebration of the union of two people who have remained unsettled in their lives until their paths were able to cross again and all the usual wedding stuff, in this case is just surplus to requirement. I just know I'm going to cry!

Authentic Weddings Are Us!

I return after a few days feeling happy and satisfied. A horrible virus wiped me out for a couple of days but today the Wedding Planning Workshop that I held in Brighton was just fab and shifted the last remnants of lurking germs. I have to mention the Friends Meeting House where I hold my workshops because it is such a special place with a great atmosphere, wonderful welcoming attitude and a hive of fascinating activity and they are particularly supportive of me and my work-I just love them!

Whenever I coach brides to be, I feel privileged because they are confiding in me and sharing their hopes and fears, anxieties and concerns in ways that maybe they haven't done before and it does move me.

The group today was small but perfectly formed! They were all interested in each other, even though they were so diverse with completely different ideas about things. Everyone shared their story and explained why they had come and what they wanted to get from the day and it was a pleasure to have a male of the species in the group too. I know that the workshop opened everybody's mind about wedding planning and gave them inspiration and encouragement to increase their own self knowledge and self awareness so that they really can go ahead and create a wedding that expresses and represents who they are.

Everyone left on a high, with a spring in their step and so did I. So, thank you to all of you who came for being so open and generous.

If anyone is curious or interested to know more about my unique wedding planning and self preparation workshops or, indeed private coaching please email me at lesley@gettingmarriedinsideout.co.uk

Give the girls a break

manolomichele1 copy.jpg, originally uploaded by brooklyn bride.

I've just visited one of my favourite wedding blogs, Manolo for The Brides, to find their post for today is the same topic as I had mine planned to be! Matching bridesmaids. It's not necessary. I know the wedding formula says it is, for aesthetically pleasing, matching, symmetrical, perfect photos but those poor girls. All of them different shapes and sizes, different colouring and ages, having to wear the same dress. Who started that? It's the worst idea.

How many when asked to be a bridesmaid, think privately to themselves, yeah OK but what's she going to have me dressed in? How many dread being seen in public in the peach halter-neck monstrosity that means they can't wear a proper bra or cover up the tops of their untoned arms which they just hate.

Time and time again, brides go down that same road without even thinking that they could do something different. YOU CAN DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. And if you do, you'll love it, being creative. Getting your girls together and seeing what styles suit who. You can have different tones of the same colour or different styles of the same colour so that each bridesmaid wears something that suits her & reflects her personality. That idea works so well and it gives it a contemporary edge. I often think that bridesmaid dresses look so fuddy duddy and desperately drab and then it's all topped of with matching, heavily lacquered hairdo's!

It just needs a bit of individual thought, step outside of the box, no need to be wild (you can be though) and do something that's about you and the people involved. The photo above is a good example of something stylish, youthful but not too daring. Go on -let yourself go! There's freedom to be had.

K.I.S.S.-keep it simple stupid

nuptial bliss, originally uploaded by kelebek.

I went to a wedding show yesterday-at Stanmer House in the Sussex Countryside. It's a beautiful old house that went for a song a couple of years ago and has been renovated to it's former glory.It stands in glorious, peaceful grounds and if you want to hire it for your wedding day it costs a mere£5,000 !! Rather steep I think but how much do you want to bet that people stretch their purse strings further than they actually reach to buy themselves a piece of their dream. Yes, it is a special day but special doesn't have to put you in debt or it starts to be not special and turns into a great big headache that brings on anxiety and stress.

I had a stand there to raise awareness of my unique Getting Married from the Inside Out coaching and mentoring service that I offer to those getting married and to let the brides know about my fab wedding planning workshop that I'm running on 13th October in Brighton.

Usually, these wedding shows are hard going. Manic, panicking brides to be, charging from stand to stand, cramming leaflets into their goody bags, getting too much information about too many suppliers and confusing and draining themselves into the bargain. Stress left, right and centre-not for me, for them.

Then there's me, explaining what I do, how I can enhance their wedding journey and all the already marrieds say, 'Oh, if only I'd known about you when I was getting married-I was so stressed and cried all through my wedding,' or 'it took me six months to get over the depression that I felt after the wedding,' or 'I was so nervous, I don't remember any of the ceremony.'

And I say, 'Well, that's why I'm doing this because getting married has gone CRAZY. People need to prepare themselves for the changes that they face, come to terms with things emotionally and psychologically and think about this most significant
Rite of Passage Get ready to get married not just on the outside but on the inside too.'

Slowly but surely I'm battering down the walls of resistance to show people a better way that will bring greater enjoyment and more desirable results. It's a lonely road but it will be worth it in the end.

The main point of this post is that this wedding show was quite enjoyable. Firstly, because of the non corporate setting and general ambience which seemed to affect visitors positively as they came in. Secondly, there was a limited number of stands and suppliers, so people really took their time to talk and find out about things instead of rushing around like headless chickens trying not to miss anything. Which brings me neatly to-less is more. Keep it simple. It always works.That could be a mantra for every bride to be. When fighting the temptation to include every tradition and ritual in to your wedding and every latest nuptial must have-repeat the mantra, breath and relax and step out of that hypnotic wedding zone.

Keep It Simple -simple and stylish- and make your choices based on what you really love and what matters to you. You'll end up with a wedding that has personal meaning that you feel belongs to you and that is a great goal to have for any bride to be.

Beautiful Couple....Shame about the wedding

First I read about the couple who won a competition for a £13,000 wedding to be paid for and arranged by the Lincolnshire Echo and then the couple who won a competition in the US called 'Today throws a Martha Stewart Wedding Contest.' Their original personal, home made $5,000 wedding was cast aside for a half million dollar lavish television wedding live on The Today Show.

Everything was chosen for them by the public -there was no personal input apart from the minister from the brides home town was chosen to marry them. They had a wedding that was remote from who they were as people, which was held outdoors at The Rockerfeller Centre with the traffic zooming by in the background. (Good job they were mic'd up)

The fact is that the majority of these competition weddings are bad karma for want of a better expression. The marriages seem to never quite get of the ground. The radio comp weddings, breakfast TV ones -all of them commercial traps that exploit people searching for what they perceive to be a dream wedding. The biggest winners in these charades are the broadcasting companies that profit greatly form the publicity.

That couples $5,000 wedding would have been gorgeous-all about them, full of love and intimacy and relevant to who they are. Instead they have ended up with a public, commercial extravaganza that they may well have difficulty coming to terms with. Watch the video clip-no sooner have they been pronounced husband and wife then tele people are in their faces for an interview. I feel that they have been robbed of a day of personal, private significance. Course, they may feel quite, quite different.

Hold it flash, bang, wallop what a picture!

Cutting the Cake, originally uploaded by LilRonGal.

I went to a wedding last weekend.(Not this one above-I chose this shot for the fabulous, un-posed cake cutting.) I most loved the spontaneous moment during 'the wedding breakfast' when our Frank Sinatra soundy likey belted out his finale number 'New York New York' and the entire top table rose to their feet with arms aloft. It was heart-warming, funny, unexpected and really and truly in keeping with the vibrant, energetic personality of the bride.

This was a mostly formal, formula wedding which I felt sat uncomfortably with the couple in question. It restrained them instead of setting them free. The ceremony was I thought quite heavy and down beat until the bride spoke her own vows with such honesty, joy and confidence that I began to feel some real moving emotion. It was like the person inside was bursting at the seams to break free from this self imposed conventional wedding structure.

I most disliked the endless, endless photographs. The staged setups, the groupings, the uneccessary moving people from room to room, breaking up the natural flow of the day, to get a good shot when much better, interesting snaps were being taken by everyone else.

Why oh why does this happen. WHY? Some photo sessions go on for two hours or more-it's complete madness! If you like those awful photographs that appear in Hello with groups of celebrities in their best clothes and french manicured hands all smiling their brightest whitest smiles, then you will be in stark disagreement with me.

I understand that people want great photos to look back on but the best I have seen come from the guests being given throw away cameras to capture the day as it really happens. There is no need for formation, perfection or a long list of set ups. Give yourself a break. Let go of the reigns and let your horse gallop wherever it needs to go!

Last Rites or Wedding Rites?

I came across this today-Virginia Ironside wrote in The Oldie:

''But I have to say that, on the whole, I now far prefer funerals to formal weddings.
Why? I always think of people on these occasions as like a group of marbles on the floor. Have a wedding, and dozens more marbles are introduced and everyone gets pushed further and further out; have a funeral and, when one marble is removed from the gathering, the others all move in to close the gap. Funerals are full of compassion, forgiveness, comfort and kindness. Weddings are often places of fear and irritation, as strange people with sometimes opposing views confront each other.''

She's not wrong either. I have been to weddings that have tension positively hanging in the air and it's usually the more formal ones that have done everything by the book, spent all the money and are set on having the day running like clockwork. Somewhere along the line, in the need to impress, prove status and attain perfection, the point is being missed.

The best weddings are the ones that are personal, come from the heart and where the couple involved are surrounded by love and support no matter what other family dramas lay beneath the surface. When people can just forget themselves and enter into the spirit of the day, there is nothing quite like a wedding for warming the cockles of your heart.

Having said that, funerals cut to the chase. They are humbling and often disarming and generally everyone knows what's what. They provide an opportunity to think deeply and contemplate ones life and often , it's true they do bring out the best in people where weddings, sometimes bring out the absolute worst. Ooh, it's a tough call! What's your preference?!!

What is Authentic?

People sometimes look at me blankly when I talk about an authentic wedding. Perhaps it's the context that I am using it in. 'Authentic' means genuine, honest, true, real;of undisputed origin. So, an authentic wedding will be something that has comes from the core of who you are. It will express aspects of yourself, your personality and what matters to you in your life. It will reflect your style, convey your intentions and represent who you both are as people and as a couple. Most importantly, it will be a day that you feel connected to and a wedding that is related to you.

An authentic wedding is a creative act and not a commercial endeavour. There is great pleasure to be had from putting it together and I want to help and inspire people to take this route when they are on the precipice of planning it for themselves.

Lets push aside this idea that wedding planning must be a nightmare turning the majority of brides into emotional wrecks unable to remember huge chunks of their day as the wedding nerves grip and take over completely. Why do people settle for that?

In order to be authentic, it is necessary to know yourself and increase your self awareness so that you can confidently and clearly make the choices that come from within you and not from outside of you; yes, from the Inside Out! It is only when you begin to apply this approach that you realise just how much it can give you in terms of enjoyment and fulfilment and if more people were to go about it in this way it could begin to be seen as something to look forward to and not something to dread.

Surely, life is about getting the most out of these great experiences that make up the stories of our lives-otherwise, really what's the point?