getting married from the inside out

Looks Like We Made It To the End....but it's not over

2009-02-17T11:01:00.002Z

Right, I'm back. I have resisted writing anything here, until it came from my heart. I don't want to be writing a blog for the sake of it, it needs to be felt in some way.

The thing is, as a bridal life coach who works with people as they plan and prepare to get married much of my passion for this came from my own profound experience. And now, I am separating from my husband so I have had to question where that leaves me.

At the beginning of the year, I read something about Kate Hudson after she split from her husband of seven years. She said, 'I don't regret a second of my marriage. Thank God for Chris. He made me partly who I am. We had a great time. We love each other deeply. We have an amazing son." I also read elsewhere that she great memories of her wedding day and wouldn't change anything.

Well the same is true for me. I wouldn't, for one nano second, wish to change what we did. Our wedding day will stay in my heart forever. There was happiness and contentment then and that doesn't change because we are now choosing to go our separate ways.

We have been in a relationship for over twenty years and I hope that Gary will continue to figure strongly in my life, at the very least as the father of our son. My love for Gary continues, constant and strong and I can't imagine a time when that will stop.

So, really where does that leave me as a bridal life coach? Am I still qualified and credible to work in this capacity? I have come to the conclusion that yes, I am, perhaps even more so. My approach is one of down to earth realism. It is about honorable, truthful intention at the time for that is the utmost that anyone can do.

It is about being authentic and bringing a whole person to your wedding day and into your marriage with eyes wide open. It is also about love in all it's guises, on all levels and love is something that I have come to understand increasingly because of what I have lived through in the last months and the decisions that have been made with absolute clarity and conviction arising from deep contemplation. And actually, I think that such decisions can only really be made out of love. Just as the decision to get married came from love, the one to separate came from the same place, strange as it may seem.

This was never the plan but this is how it is, this is life. If I was living a lie, staying in the marriage for the wrong reasons then I think that I would find it nigh on impossible to coach with an open heart for I would be hiding something fundamental.

I have stated my case, satisfied myself that the end of my own marriage doesn't have to be the end of getting married from the Inside out, but in fact it has added another dimension and another deeper level that can be integrated into the whole.

Getting Married from the Inside Out has evolved! Just as anything with life in it should do.

Let the Good Times Roll-Again

2009-01-06T22:17:00.008Z

Oh. The last entry was 29th October-not a daily blog, a weekly blog, not even a monthly blog. My birthday came and went, Christmas and now New Year. Here's to 2009 and a much more regular blog!

I have though been thinking about the blog, about topics of conversation and how the face of weddings, the economy and the world has changed since I began this just over sixteen months ago.

It seems that the wedding world really is having to adjust to the fact that there isn't nearly so much money flying around. With the exception of the very affluent, people are having to take it easy, compromise, scale down, be less extravagent and lavish, perhaps more down to earth and real about things. It's making couples consider what's important, what they really do want and many, it's true to say are simply cancelling the whole thing. Will they ever get around to doing it-will they even stay together?

I'm glad it's happened. We are in the age of the recycled, second hand, retro, ebay bargain and it's a much warmer , more fun place to be. Resourcefulness, creativity, gratitude and value-things that had gone missing by the masses are now visible again! It can only be a good thing. How many stories have you heard about the war-about how people pulled together, valued the bits they had, where every gesture and act of kindness had meaning and the simplest things made an impact. OK it's not quite the same but for the spoiled brigade of 21st Century it will be a long overdue wake up call.

Hello 2009 and welcome! It's going to be an interesting year. I look forward to aligning my stories with the ups and downs, celebrations and tribulations and all that occurs in the world over the next twelve months.

What Not to Buy

2008-10-29T14:07:00.007Z

OK. The world economy is in crisis. People are losing their jobs and homes and we are all having to think twice, tighten our belts and get by in a more thoughtful, resourceful and much less extravagent manner than before.

So, what does your already cash strapped bride and groom really, really not need? Yes, an expensively packaged survival kit full of basics that they already have and things that they are unlikely to ever need. But, Frit Fru Wedding Planners in Calgary have come up with some anyway and they truly are a cornucoppia of things that will only serve to overload your mind even more.

The Wedding Day Survival Kit is supposed to 'Keep the bride smiling all day long by giving her the gift of peace of mind.' It's list of 30 items includes toothbrush, toothpaste, dental floss, antacid, facial tissues, static remover(?) and The Grooms Survival Kit -'He may be manly, but he's not immune to last-minute catastrophes,' includes a styptic pencil (obviously) lint remover, adhesive bandages, and wrinkle remover(genius).

We all know that bad publicity is better than none at all and in linking to the site, I will probably alert the attention of a bride or two who decides that they must have one. I'm telling you-ya don't need it! It's all very well being prepared for any eventuality but in this situation it creates hysteria and anxiety about all the things that could, in your head, go wrong.

This is all presented in a humorous, tongue in cheek kind of way so that you feel like you are having a bit of fun while still be practical and organised. It's clever and likeable but resist being reeled in. This is the commercial world of wedding planning dazzling you and stripping you of your common sense. I'm here to save you! If something does go'wrong' you can improvise and bet your bottom dollar that somebody around you will be able to help admirably.

While the wedding industry keeps on sending the message to buy, buy, buy, I will continue with my message to not, not not. In these frugal times , especially, Keep It Simple-strip it back to basics and you will be pleasantly surprised not just by how much money you can save but by how unencumbered and liberated you feel!

Love Alone Is Not Enough

2008-10-22T23:33:00.002+01:00

Yesterday, October 21st was our 8th wedding anniversary and it is true to say that it was a difficult day. It would be easier to gloss over things and report that the day was filled with fun, laughter and celebration but that would be a fabrication and nothing short of hypocritical considering that my entire business premise rests on authenticity and being true to oneself.

To put it simply, we are quite different to each other. Our outlook on life, expectations and perception of the world that we live in is often way out of tune. My glass is always, at the very least half full and Gary's is ...yes, that cliche. I love life and all that it has to offer and Gary, with his poetic bent and artistic talent and temperament is consumed with all that is wrong with our world. We exist and experience life in a most polarised fashion and it is makes harmony and compatability difficult to attain.

I love him and he loves me and, we love our son who, in turn loves both of us. We are a family and this makes it even tougher to admit that below the surafce, there is serious dissatisfaction. Eight years into our marriage and 21 years after we first had a secret date, our future together is not assured.

I am relieved to have the courage to confront the truth which means that we can attempt to deal with it. It is out in the open. We are not putting a band aid over it and hoping that it will just heal itself. It won't.

I'm sure this situation is not just my reality but an echo of many marriages especially of those unions that cross two or three decades because we change, do we not. Individually and together. That is why the promise of being with one person, forever is an almighty comittment and one that needs more consideration then it is given. I believe that the best that you can do is have honourable intention and the wisdom to live each day as honestly and truthfully as you can. Use your marriage to nurture your friendship with each other, practise acceptance and exercise non judgement. That will all lead you to somewhere worth being, somewhere positive.

My wedding vows come back to me, over and over again. I have always stressed their importance and the need to really connect with the words and draw them into your body. Mine had a profound effect on me on the day and they still do. I said.... ''I'll be true to you as I will to myself and never, intentionally hurt you... I promise to endeavour to be the best I can both as a person and as your wife....''

I chose my vows very carefully and resisted being carried away on the fairytale element of a wedding day because I wanted the significance of the day to be a strong foundation of our life together -and it has been. I continue to strive to uphold my vows and that is why we are here.

Our 8th Anniversary turned out Ok. It was loaded with emotion, punctuated with searing poignancy and as always, where my husband is concerned, not without humour. I bought Gary a book about surviving life and he cooked us dinner which we ate by candlelight... with our 4 year old, who insisted that he was hungry and should be involved. That night he learned the meaning of the verb to gatecrash.

The Name Game

2008-10-14T12:27:00.010+01:00

The nuptial journey decision to keep your name, change your name, double barrel or merge your names is causing quite a dilemma. Unless you are an uncomplicated, traditional type of which there are dwindling numbers, then you will be wrestling with letting go of your single name especially if you are more mature. There are forum debates galore about it where the feminist inclined voices say strongly and clearly, No! This is my name and I'm keeping it .FOREVER!

How do you decide what's right for you? Is keeping your name a bit like keeping one foot firmly in your single life and then are you truly committing as much as you can? Or, is that a very simplistic view that undermines female equality. Is our world now just too contemporary that taking the mans name seems archaic, an outdated, chauvinistic leaning that only men in the deepest , darkest north of England have?

Well, I'm an independent sort of girl but rather liked taking my husbands name. It was the kind of change that I needed to make me realise that I really was married. It was fresh and new and different. I still use use my single name of Stratton and both names as a writer and coach. But my family name is Hughes. I'm all of them-happily.

In deciding I think that it's necessary to delve and work out how deep the name identity goes for you. What are your values, your morals and your attitude to being married? How do different names affect the children-if at all? Or, if you go for the double (barrel) how does that work out in the future when Chloe Sefton -Webb wants to unite with Thomas Holby- Derbyshire. What on earth will they do? It's a very real problem looking at the names of kids in schools these days there's more double barrels than at the average polo match. The local comp has gone all aristocratic and though it sounds quite natty and creative -it's not very practical. It will be a nightmare to trace lineage. And right there is a very sound and sensible reason for taking the blokes name-if only for family purposes. And to that people will say well why not the womans name-to which I answer -why not the blokes-it's traditional, quite romantic, what's the problem with it? Keep it simple.

Freedom to choose is good-yes it is , we all deserve it and we need to do what is true for us. It's just that I think given the chance, some people are prone to making a big fuss and drama about that which they are not really too bothered about just to be noticed that little bit more. I also think that some are resisting the so called less glamorous side of being married. Mrs to some isn't very sexy sounding but it will be what you make it. Take Mrs. Robinson, for example...

A Fools Paradise

2008-10-12T00:20:00.004+01:00

I'm in a rebellious phase. I cannot see the point of buying ridiculously expensive clothes-even new clothes. I'm getting much more pleasure from retro shops and car boot sales. I have no interest at all in designer names and labels unless they are big old bargains and terriffic value. Of course, I know that generally the material is good, wears well and mostly the craftmanship is superior but I do think that the prices are so over inflated for people with too much money and little sense. Exclusive they may be but that doesn't always mean tasteful or stylish.

So news of the Designer Wedding Show at Battersea next week caused a big, involuntary sigh from me but then further reading that the average budget of a visiting bride to such an event is around £89,000 made me feel, well frankly... SICK. Yes, I felt nauseous reading that.

We are in a strange time, where excess and waste seem to be out of place yet some people in different spheres will carry on as normal and believe that spending huge amouts of money equates with happiness and style.

Don't be misled. There is no need to spend such vast amounts of money-in fact it's positively foolish and the chances are that the significance of the day for these brides will get rather dwarfed by the cut of the jib on the haute couture and making sure that each and every guest is suitably impressed by the lavish vittles on offer.

The words exclusive, couture, 'celebrity' florist make my eyes glaze over. I couldn't be less interested. I love art, creativity and originality but I want it to be for everyone , for the people, withour any snobbery attached and I find lack of funds and resourcefulness far more creatively exciting. I 've said it before. Give me a low budget film against a block buster any day. I love what's real and true and raw and feel mildly entertained but unmoved by anything that is overstyled with too much money thrown at it.

Wedding s are just the same. Keep it simple, sane, honest and true and work with a budget that's comfortable for you. Never mind haute couture, that's haute wisdom...

Just Doing Your Thing

2008-10-11T23:31:00.006+01:00

The best thing about coaching and running workshops is when you can see that you are making a positive difference to someones experience and helping them to get the most out of this time in their life.

I believe, completely, that the way that getting married and planning a wedding is presented by the media has a negative impact on most people. It appears to be daunting and overwheming and unneccessarily expensive. So many people end up in debt, anxious, feuding and the real reason for getting married gets lost in a sea of stress and confusion.

Yesterday I had a phone call from a couple who had been on my 'Creating an Authentic Wedding' workshop and they told me that the greatest thing that they took away from the afternoon was that plannning their wedding was a real privilage that they deserved to enjoy. From that day they relaxed, took their time and great pleasure in every little decision that they made together while also having fun being creative. Also, being environmentally and ethically aware their wedding completely honoured their values and was as green as they were able to make it so it fulfilled them on lots of levels and others benefitted too.

It's not rocket science just a nudge to let the commercial aspect go and come back to yourself. Express yourself, reflect what's true for you and put together something original and authentic. The rewards of that are great and letting go of the wedding template is a big relief. Getting married doesn't, repeat DOESN'T have to be stressful. It can be the most memorable, rewarding time-if you will allow it to be!

the spirit of london-the spirit of you

2008-09-23T10:42:00.004+01:00

I've been wanting to write this post since then end of the Olympics which illustrates that though I am a life coach I still carry ideas around with me without always executing them-it's so very irritating.

Anyway, the point is still valid though not quite so topical as it was. Despite the political angle of the Beijing Olympics throwing a definite shadow over the occasion, it was for little GB, a fabulous, memorable success for individuals, team and country. It was just what we needed-a fortifying tonic, a potent injection of hope and positivity and great ray of sunshine casting light over a country that feels as if it has lost much of what we believed was GREAT about it. For three weeks we felt pride, unity and a just a little bit great again. That is the power of sport, of personal endeavour and team spirit, of ambition and achievement and sheer will to succeed whatever the set backs and limited resources.

God, it was emotional, inspiring and addictive -every day tuning in to hear the stories behind the success and watch as we won medal after medal. I swear that for those three weeks, the majority of Great Britain felt happy-millions were affected and influenced by it and that is why the government must put more money into sport because of what it can do for the country. Proof too, that the political issues can be pushed aside while we concentrate on what is magical about life -and despite our world troubles, we see countries come together, compete against each other and respect and congratulate each other. Hopeful, heartwarming and harmonious in spirit. Sport is a great, great leveller and religion, sadly is the separator.

China spent £22 billion on a superlative extravaganza-and London has to follow that. We have a budget of £9.3 billion and so, clearly it's going to be a vey different kind of games. And so it should be. We are a very different country and culture with our own history and individual identity and quirks and the job of hosting the games to the world will I hope, prompt us to look within and re-assess just what we have to offer, who we are, where we came from and what we feel represents and reflects who we are at the core. It could be a very significant exercise for us. Just what will the Olympic Journey reveal and how may it affect and change us a nation?

It has the same parallel as anyone getting married. Each person is an individual, with their own story and personality and there is no need to live up to others expectations, do what is expected or please or impress anyone.

No matter what the budget, you just need to do your thing and be proud of it. You alone are great, beautiful and good enough. You don't need gimmicks or show stopping accessories-the best that you can do is be honest and true to yourself and bring all that you truly are to your wedding day. There is no need to be perfect-like China thought they needed to be when they swapped a less cute little girl who sang the opening ceremony song for a more aesthetically pleasing one who mimed along to the original little girl. Despite all they spent and all the effort they put in-right there they got it wrong. They thought they needed to present something perfect when all they needed to do was give us what was real.

The London Olympics will do what it can with the money that they have and deliver something that represents the changing face of Great Britain and you, as you face your own, major life event can enjoy looking within yourself and put together a wedding that is quintessentially you.

And, if you aren't sure where to start or how to go about it, that's why I'm here!

A Very Authentic Wedding

2008-09-11T00:22:00.005+01:00

On 21st october 2000 -Gary and I got married at Portmeirion in North Wales-it was, as anyone who has visited visited my website will know-the most fantastic, unforgettable, unique day. Portmeirion alone is a special place. It's where the cult 60's series The Prisoner was filmed and it stands amidst mountains on a stunning estuary. It's a fairytale village made up of buildings brought from all over the world-buildings and pieces of architecture that would otherwise have been demolished, brought to this Welsh beauty spot to create something magical.

We hadn't been back there since our wedding day and last week we visited with Gary's parents and Louie, our 4 year old. It's a strange feeling returning to the place where you were married. I didn't expect such a strong reaction. I felt elated-uplifted and goose-bumpy as the second most profound, memorable day of my life-(superceded only by the day that Louie arrived)came flooding back into my heart and my mind.

The greatest thing of all was the fact that we are still married and despite all that we have been through, we love each other completely -perhaps for me-more openly and confidently than ever . Gary agreed that it was moving, being there, with our son, reliving the memory and feeling that our day had been real. We realised that it was what we had thought it was-a genuine desire on both our parts to be married to each other.

I always say that I felt proud on our wedding day, a definite sense of achievement during the ceremony especially and still I feel that. The power of those wedding vows cannot be underestimated. If you let them in, they sit within you and influence you forever I think. Perhaps, at times dormant but always there ready to resurface when you most need them, there to prick your conscience when you forget to honour them.

It's a trip to go back there-to that place where married life took it's first ever steps and to see how far you have come. It just sealed my belief that the act of getting married is a most worthwhile one. Even today with all the negative press that it receives, where some struggle to find it's meaning and point in our contemporary world-I continue to promote and champion it as something that can be believed in and with the right attitude it can have the most positive impact on your experience of life. Honestly, I'm surrounded by too much proof of that, to think any differently.

I suppose too, that this little story just reinforces what I always say: Get married and have your wedding in a venue that you LOVE, somewhere that you feel somehow connected or that has a special place in your heart because it adds to your enjoyment of the day and the depth and significance of the memory that you are left with.

The more that you can connect with your wedding day the better-it all makes it harder to walk away from in the future and realistically, there will be times when you need to draw on that.

It's good to TAWC!

2008-09-09T02:42:00.010+01:00

Me and my friend Katie from Ethical Weddings and my newer friend Lou, an ethical stylist are running a new support group for brides called 'tawc'-The Authentic Wedding Connection.That's Katie on the left with the hat and Lou's looking cute in green. We wanted to create a real life community for like minded brides to get together and share their wedding journey experience because we all know how lonely it can be when it gets a bit tough and there are many, many brides who just don't feel like they can relate to the more conventional online wedding forums.

So tawc is for those who want a more personal experience of getting married and planning their wedding. One that honours their values and is honestly aligned with who they are as people rather than one that ticks all the boxes of a big budget extravaganza. Of course, our ethical girls will be showing how easy it is to be just a little bit greener,more thoughtful and conscious of the community and the environment and I will be there to coach and support on the emotional issues of getting married.

We invite brides to come and share their stories, their ups and downs and swap their ideas and we will also ask different suppliers and services to come in and share their knowledge and expertise. All in all it will be relaxed, friendly and fun and a special little sanctuary for brides to be really upront and honest about what they are experiencing.

The first meeting is on Monday 15th September in Brighton and it's FREE! We'll hold a meeting once a month and eventually we hope to have tawc pods all over the country. If you fancy it you can sign up here or contact me or if you aren't local to Brighton but are interested in the idea call me for a chat about it. The brides revolution starts here!

Sweet & Low-Your Fabulous Small Budget Wedding

2008-08-15T12:08:00.004+01:00

Oh I'm so bored of the daily stories about credit crunch brides having to compromise on their fairytale jamboree and all those couples cancelling until they can afford what they had always dreamed of. Their woe and despair is captured by the media to illustrate the severity of the economic downturn exagerrating the situation and making those in the wedding loop feel it's the end of the world.

Well, in this arena I think that financial constraint is not such a bad thing at all. It will take the pressure of some couples who feel that they have to wow the crowds to keep up with everyone else. Now it's a case of spending what you can afford and that's a very comfortable, sensible thing. It's time for compromise, creativity, thought, resourcefulness-all things that normally go right out the window when wedding madness takes over.

I welcome this and think it could be just what some couples need to make them have a good old think about what they are doing and what really matters to them.

I say go with the flow. Accept it-embrace it and turn the situation to your adavatage. It's not an obstacle but an opportunity to put together a wedding of real depth and significance. Here are some of my top suggestions to help you cut the cost and love doing it at the same time.

1. Marry midweek
2. Have the ceremony and reception/celebration in the same place-so much less fuss
3. Revisit and revise your original guest list-who do you REALLY want to be there?
4. Buy retro/ charity/ebay for clothes and accessories-do you have to be in white-be vivacious!
5. Round up friends and family and use their talent and skills for photography/filming, music both live and DJ, catering, flowers, designing skills, organisational skills
6. Use local, in season flowers and produce
7. Use alternaive transport like buses, bikes, on foot, friends cars-how funky can you be?
8. Adopt less is more attitude-no need to over do decs and flowers or include all that conventional wedding paraphernalia
9. Do you really need to buy all these wedding party presents that have become de rigeur?
10. Do you really need to have an engagement ring? Buy a special ring later into your marriage.

Think grass roots, home grown , homemade -HEART and SOUL-it'll make you feel sooo GOOD!!

Ain't Misbehaving

2008-08-12T15:06:00.007+01:00

What's one of the most common things that brides to be fret about? Besides being too fat, tripping up or not being able to speak because of nerves. Yes, the guests. Will they behave themselves? Will families get on with each other or friends complain about being sat so far away they are almost in another room. Will great grandma be rude/fall asleep/get drunk and aunty Mona embarass everyone by flirting widly with the best man and try and seduce him in the toilets. How many of these ridiculous scenarios play over and over in the mind of those on the nuptial parapet and torment them unneccessarily so that their stress levels zoom off the scale.

A session coaching with me would soon eliminate all of that! We can't control other peoples behaviour can we? Not really-not en masse. Nor should we wish too. Once you come around to letting go of control and allow things to develop naturally, life becomes much simpler and much more enjoyable.

On your wedding day, you are going to have to place some trust in your guests and believe that, on the whole they are all there for you to support you and celeberate with you. Nobody has turned up to sabotage your day but at the end of it-the day that is-people are human and will make mistakes. That's just life and what makes it fun, enjoyable, unpredicatable and worth living.

Your wedding doesn't need to be perfect-it needs to be rich and real and full of meaning. The happenings of the day add personality and colour and you will have the best time if you just go with the flow, open your mind, open your heart, open your arms and embrace it all as your wonderful, imperfect, unforgettable day.

Like Nothing on Earth

2008-08-02T17:08:00.006+01:00

If you really do want a wedding that's out of this world then if you have 1.1million to spare you can literally have it. A Japanese company called First Advantage has teamed up with American aerospace firm Rocketplane to offer the first space weddings.

If you dream of saying your vows while orbiting the earth, 100km up in the sky, you can sign up now for the first voyages which will begin in 2011. Time to start saving!

Personally, I prefer something a little bit more down to earth, with my feet on the ground-in every sense. Wedding vows are hard enough to grasp and fully take in at the best of times. What chance do you have of fully being in the moment with all that going on. And, won't the wedding party be just a little bit distracted knowing that they can glance out the window and get a bird's eye view of our beautiful world below them.

I think it's a great idea -I do, but there is a very real danger of the wedding ceremony being eclipsed by the actual trip into space-know what I mean? Why not save such mind blowing adventure until the honeymoon stage or at least the wedding equivalent of the after party.

Certainly doesn't agree with my keep it simple mantra does it?!

Bloomin' Lovely!

2008-07-24T13:05:00.008+01:00

There's poppies in my front garden. Wild, crepe paper- like, dark sugar pink with purple centres. Just one plant - in the corner, catches my eye as soon as I come out of our front door and again when I return. I mention it because the individual flowers that come and go in a day are simply beautiful and having them there just makes me love life.

Flowers do that don't they? If you look at them long enough-they kind of blow your mind with their natural beauty and the point here is that there doesn't need to be bountiful amounts of them to make an impact.

Each season presents a different offering. Hues and scents that evoke memories of balmy summer evenings or crisp spring mornings and there's something for everyone for every personality and style.

Choosing the flowers for your wedding is exciting because you can identify your unique character with them and include memories from your life too. There is no need to over indulge, to spend too much or try to impress by having hundreds-in some cases thousands of pounds worth of blooms that will only have the effect of being overdone-overdressed, over embellished on the floral front. For some reason massive dispays of flowers are just not heart warming -it's like they aren't real-they don't touch you. Whereas single stems, rustic bunches, or dramtic combinations of two or three colours/types will add another soul-lifting dimension to your wedding that will positively affect everyone.

Choose local, if poss- in season and use a scent, colour and variety that draws something from you. Use your wedding flowers to capture your essence and complement the spirit of the day. Just another reason to delve below the surface and discover more about your individual self so that you can be even more authentic, artistic, creative. Just another way to break with the formula prescribed by the wedding industry and instead of being a stepford bride with your generic wedding flowers, you can really, honestly truly be a bride that gets married from the inside out!

The Cloning of a Bride

2008-07-21T10:49:00.004+01:00

There's no excuse. It's three weeks since I posted and though in my head I have had plenty to say-i haven't made enough time to commit it to blog. I feel most dissatisfied about that. Having said that-the mother board on my PC finally threw the towel in-it was over ten years old-and it took some time to deal with the shennaningans that ensued. The pay off is a new, shiny, faster model that is making life so much easier.
Today I was taken by another inane article that appered in the Daily Mail entitled Bridal Beauty Tips.

I would love to know if anyone finds these things helpful or if they are simply there to pad out the paper. Here we go: Apparently some brides will go to great lengths to look amazing on their wedding day by having dental work, breast implants, liposuction etc but really, says the article, all you need to do is keep it simple and relax.

1. Don't look too orange-go easy on the fake tan and put your make-up on in natural light

2. Get a good nights sleep-duh!

3. Don't get stressed-it causes spots and greasy skin-use peppermint tea as a toner

4. Keep it natural-your hair that is -down and tonged is suggested-washed well in advance

5. Keep it in place-your veil that is-with grips instead of a veil comb and make sure your hairpiece actually matches the colour of your hair(or it will look rubbish on the photos)

6. Don't have dead ends-cut them off a week before-also ask bridesmaid or similar to carry shine spray with her to refresh you throughout day and night. Honest-it says that.

7.Practise your make-up beforehand. Take photos of it. On the day use a primer and custom blended foundation with extra coverage for photos... and powder on top of that.

Well, it's no wonder that brides get so anxious and stressed with all this fussy, uneccessary palavering. Hairdressers and make up artists -layers of foundation and endless top up spray. Fake tan and hairpieces-why hairpieces? What is with brides and hairpieces?

I agree with keep it simple and relax. Wholeheartedly. But this is not what this piece is about. Just reading it makes me on edge .Firstly the condescending tone of it which is more suitable for teenage readers than intelligent women reading the Daily Mail -and the feeling that it invokes of-there's just so much to think about.

Yes,keep it simple-strip it back to basics. True bridal beauty comes from within. Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally and be your wholesome, natural self on the day-with light make-up -hair that suits you that you feel comfortable with and a clear, calm mind that allows you to be in the moment. You will never have been more radiant and beautiful and not a can of fake tan in sight.

A Venue to Warm your Heart

2008-06-30T15:26:00.007+01:00

I feel it's time for something practical and there's nothing strictly alternative about this.

Venues. Have a look here for The Independents top 50.

Choosing a venue is a personal thing and I think that there's more to it than meets the eye. Obviously the practicalities play a big part here and that's namely: your budget and the number of guests that you are having. After that though, it opens the door of your voyage of discovery in getting to know yourself and your partnership even more. In a sea of confusion it can help to have some guiding lights to help you navigate through the endless possibilities of where your wedding may take place.

Make it somewhere that you feel connected to. Either from your childhood or other arcs of your life or from your passions e.g. remote countryside, coast, historical interest or a particular style that you adore like Art Deco-anywhere that holds some kind of meaning for one or both of you. Time to work out what excites you-what really does it for you!

If it helps, write down a short list of things that immediately come to mind or some descriptive words that create a rough framework and a criteria that you would like to satisfy.As much as possible your choice and type of venue both for the ceremony and celebrations will correspond with the things that you love and reflect your essence and style. Top 50's are great for inspiration but all the way along, when you make decisions that sit right with you and really belong to you, your experience of planning your wedding will be rewarding and fulfilling.

Get Into the Journey

2008-06-20T23:26:00.005+01:00

Life is not the same without a daily dose of The Independent. I've become addicted to it-the features are diverse, interesting, well written and somehow always relevant to the ideas that I share as a life and wedding coach.

Last week I seemed to keep reading stories that carried a message about journeys- both travel and life ones. In particular, a feature entitled The Road Less Travelled about hitch-hiking in which the writer, Simon Usbourne travelled from London to the most Northern tip of the UK -John O' Groats by thumbing lifts from complete strangers. It took him two and a half days and twelve lifts(11 blokes and one female) for him to complete the almost 700 mile journey. On the way he talked to each driver and photographed those that were willing. In his words, he was in turn moved, transfixed, and even horrified by the characters that he met all of whom added rich detail to the stunning landscapes that he was travelling through and had the time to appreciate. The story of his journey was captivating -as life is when you take the the time to absorb all that exists and happens. Often, the journey really is more important then the destination.

And in her autobiographical book-Pleasures of a Tangled Life-Jan Morris has this to say 'Travelling can be done well or badly, conscientiously or with a slovenly disregard of detail and nuance. ''Doing it well means putting up with irritants like being overcharged or robbed, because the miseries of travel are "the salt that gives them flavour".

Anyone who has worked with me or even visited my website knows how much emphasis I put on the value of the wedding journey. The months before you marry are full of new people, life events, emotions, decisions, challenge and change. It is a unique time and every single moment is precious. It's necessary to let go of the need to control everything and to release expectations of it being smooth running and plain sailing. Also to embrace all that it is-the so called disasters as well as the triumphs and to accept that everything doesn't go to plan for a reason-Always, ALWAYS for a reason. Adopting that belief brings untold relief!

Journeys are meant to be colourful, unpredictable, enlightening, surprising and crammed with opportunities to learn and grow. It's just that sometimes they are heavily disguised. Welcome it all and know that your own individual wedding journey contains all that you need to arrive at your wedding day wiser, stronger and ready to get married. You only have to make sure that you are open to receiving it!

The Power of Love

2008-06-16T11:27:00.007+01:00

Tomorrow -June 17th 2008- sees the legalisation of same sex weddings in the state of California and for the last month my Google news feeds have gone crazy on the subject-rightly so. It's great and welcome news-a little more understanding and acceptance in the world can only ever be a good thing-it affects all of us-gay and straight. Of course there will be the opposers, the fearful, who write small minded comments like this:
"No,- homosexual unions are not marriage that is what God ordained for a man and a women. People may think that they can re-write God's laws but society will reap the sad results of these wrong actions" -in response to this Times Online article.

- but it doesn't matter because now consolation type commitment ceremonies are a thing of the past in the sunshine state and same sex couples couples can get married and have a legally recognised wedding just like opposite sex couples can. Yeehah!

And, I just learned that in 1948, California was the first American state to strike down laws banning interracial marriage. It led the others then and it can again. Oh yes, change is afoot in a very big way-it has taken time, patience and belief but in the end, love will conquer all. Really, how can race, gender and sexual orientation come into question? Love is just love -there is no judgement necessary and the more it is allowed to flourish freely the better our world will be.

And when those people love who love each other want to marry, we all benefit for, as Marianne Willimason says in her book, A Return to Love-'So it is that a marriage is meant to be a blessing on the world, because it is a context in which two people might become more than they would have been alone.' It is a strengthening in the fabric of our societies, the world over.United we stand! To me, in terms of marriage, the issue of someone's sexual preference is irrelevant-it is all about the person within the outer shell of a human body-that which is not separated by age, sex, race, colour or religion.

And on that note- I found this feature in my favourite newspaper, The Independent entitled Love Story which kind of says it all really.

60 years ago, the writer James Morris married Elizabeth Tuckniss-they had five children, one of which died and in 1972 James went to Morocco and returned as a woman. At the time, the now, same sex couple were forced to divorce but they continued to live and be together. On May 14th this year, the writer Jan Morris and Elizabeth Tuckniss exchanged vows again in a legally binding civil union and as Elizabeth says, ''We are back together again,officially.'' Despite the law, they were never apart. The love between these two people remained constant-it kept them together. Love -and acceptance-conquers all. Well, the law may well be an ass-but we can take heart in the fact that it, at least, seems to be learning.

Oh Happy Day!

2008-06-09T11:37:00.021+01:00

Photographs: Ben Gold Photography www.bengold.co.uk

My friend Amanda Jane Tooth is now married to John Carter and Mr and Mrs.Carter are a very handsome and happy couple. No, they really are. These two so wanted to be married to each other that the actual wedding on 31st May 2008 took a very appropriate second place and that's always a good recipe for a successful wedding. When the spirit and joy of the couple are the fuel that burns the wedding fire, you know that you are in for a great and memorable day.

I talk about authenticity-and this epitomised it. Amanda wore a trademark black dress and she looked gorgeous. So easy, relaxed, true to herself. She was radiant and confident and sparkled from within. They married in Marylebone Registry Office in London-which is dignified and grand and my clever and talented husband, Gareth, on request, wrote a poem about John and Amanda for their wedding day. I'm biased, but he's original and gifted and his words entertain, delight and move me. He produced a great piece for their otherwise straightforward wedding ceremony in which the two of them remained grounded, focused and beautifully composed throughout.

Then, the entire wedding party-about 65 of us hotfooted over to Soho in shared black cabs to the fabulous French House, a tiny pub that holds special memories for John and Amanda. The pub has a charming, bijoux dining room upstairs that produced a rustic, paysanne buffet -akin to a stylish French picnic and Kir Royale with Creme de Framboise, Fraise and Peche, flowed freely.
Downstairs, in the bar the buzzy conversation was complemented by the afternoon jazzy/swing sounds of two local Soho characters on piano and crooning vocals who stopped briefly for our mostly improvised and informal speeches.

It was quite simply a joyous afternoon that romped along off it's own steam and carried us all merrily along with it. Memories are made of days like this and authentic weddings cannot, ever, be beaten by big mouthed, big budget extravaganzas. You've gotta have soul. Without that there is nothing-it's empty on the inside.

This was a wedding that perfectly captured the essence of the couple within-it reflected their intentions, their love and who they are as people. It was, in every sense, their day.

You did it, my friend. You married the man that you have loved for two decades. You both did it with style, grace and integrity and you brought together a fantastic group of people to celebrate and experience it with you. For a few hours on 31st May 2008 we were all most definitely 'in it together' and that's something that people never forget.

Privately, at weddings I always think that there is an unspoken litmus test. Is it-after witnessing the ceremony and celebration of the day -believable? Does our heart tell us that the vows and declarations made by these two people are genuine and true?

Well, on this occasion -to coin a cliché phrase used by theatre critics when they spot a roaring success-for my money-'this is one that is going to run and run.' xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lend Me Your Ears

2008-05-23T23:57:00.001+01:00

I'm thinking about my speech-as 'best woman' this saturday. I love wedding speeches -I think that they are fascinating and revealing -one of my favourite parts of the day after the ceremony and vows and I really don't understand when people say they find them boring. Sure, some are good and others not so. We see nerves, dodgy material, bad timing but still I find them riveting and moving. The act of giving a speech is a generous gift and it deserves respect however adept and confident the giver is.

Perhaps it's because I'm a coach and it's my job to really listen to people-not just what they say but how they say it and crucially what they don't say. I observe body language, posture, gesture, speech patterns, language and tone. Anything that you give time to in this way, looking beyond the surface becomes thoroughly absorbing-layers of information revealing what and who is within.

Anyway, I would never buy a book about speech-making because I really don't want to know that much about it-sometimes too much information is a dangerous thing-it's like having an overload of advice-it fills your head so you don't know which way to turn and kills your ability to just do what comes naturally.

So, I appreciated this snappy article about wedding speech-making written by barrister, after dinner speaker and comedy writer, Clive Coleman. It told me all I wanted to know and gave me the confidence to go ahead and just do what feels right to me. For those who do want more help-there are endless books available as well as helpful professionals like Paul Chronnell also known as the Speech Maker, who can help you craft your speech and coach you on the presenting front as well.

I have been inspired by Marianne Williamson who writes in her book, A Return to Love, about walking out on stage and speaking to hundreds of people. Instead of taking the stance that she needs to impress people and make them feel that she is special, she instead just talks to friends, casually with enthusiasm and so there is no pressure and nothing else to do but relax and enjoy it.

I find that liberating and that's what i'll be doing on Saturday-not to hundreds of people-just about sixty of them. I'll talk to a room full of friends, casually with enthusiasm about my very great friend Amanda and what she means to me. There's no need to impress and nothing for me to do but relax.

Public speaking's never gonna be the same again!

Oh What a Night!

2008-05-21T23:35:00.005+01:00

Last weekend I was involved in the most fantastic-for want of a much better word, 'hen' night.

My great friend, Amanda is getting married on 31st May and I am to be her best woman. Nine of us met in the private room of a french restaurant off Oxford Street in London and with not a set of bunny ears in sight, we shared six joyful hours together.

The room was booked from 7 till 10 but at 1am they were politely thrusting the bill under our noses. Yes, we drank. Some champagne, then simple white wine but it wasn't that. This was a magnetic group of women: a childhood school friend, two younger sisters, three work colleagues who were actually far more significant in her life than just that, another glorious friend who had featured in her life at various points- and me.
I had asked each to bring along some music that was representative of a time they shared with Amanda or that reflected her essence and so, we created a kind of soundtrack for the evening.

We had everything from Liza Minelli in Cabaret to Paul Weller & The Jam, The Turtles to the Scissor Sisters, David Essex, David Cassidy and Katherine Williams ,French Cafe Music and Seventies Soul. Each offering was connected to a story and evocative memories of special times. There were gifts too in the form of personal words, poems , cards and a treasured hat from the seventies covered with 70's badges that Amanda thought had gone long ago. It's appearance at the hands of little sister Emma who had held on to it in secret for about 25 years, brought squeals of delight and disbelief and as each sister told their big sister what she meant to them, an emotional wave hit us all.

As the night grew dark, we lit the candles, talked at depth, laughed hysterically, danced, sang and opened little presents from a goody bag supplied by Sian who generously put some of her perks for working at Marie Claire to great use.

We felt close. There was warmth, openess and camaraderie. We all shared something that night including our love for our friend Amanda which was what had brought us together in the first place .

A few days earlier someone had asked me what I thought a hen night was all about and I said I think it's different things to different people. For me, it was a very necessary and powerful part of my rite of passage-part of the process of change and transition from single to married. A hen night is steeped in tradition and it has a reassuring and comforting ritual about it. Each individual will have a different idea of how they want theirs to be and what elements they need to feel it was successful.

Naturally, the idea of 'the last night of freedom' has been devoured by the commercial world of wedding planning and hen night paraphernalia is big business. Indeed, there is a whole industry dedicated to arranging Stag and Hen packages. The outfits, L plates and and drunken skulduggery that epitomise the majority of hen nights seem to slightly miss the point. Instead of being alive, conscious and aware-there seems to be a group intent to to slide into the unconscious, downing enough tequila and flaming sambuca to drown a hippo. For some, the last night of freedom seems to be more akin to the last night alive on earth.

I may be wrong but I do feel this is so much the British way and find it hard to imagine that a group of Spanish girls on a despedida de soltera or french women sharing a soiree entre filles will 'celebrate' in quite the same kamikaze fashion as us emotionally repressed brits on a hen. (I welcome comments here.)

So, while we have to contend with the tacky image that is associated with hen nights-I think that they are an integral step in this rite of passage. They are valuable and necessary and would encourage anyone considering not having one to think again. It's very much about honouring and recognising how your life is developing and taking stock of where you have been and where you are going. It's a fine opportunity to celebrate, to love and live vibrantly, joyously and wildly in the moment with the significant women in your life.

Do it , by all means -do it to the max -but, as with all aspects of Getting Married from the Inside Out-make it authentic and do it in a way that is aligned with all that you are and it will make it's impact and stay with you...forever.

Wedding Crime Numero Uno!

2008-05-02T12:24:00.003+01:00

A few months ago, I found myself in the middle of a should they , shouldn't they debate on one of the wedding forums. I sometimes read them to keep up with what's going on in the mainstream wedding arena and occasionally feel compelled to respond to certain issues. Like the odd rule of not wearing white out of respect for the bride.

Right. I understand the basis of this-it's just that these rules get taken too, too seriously. This one just fuels the whole bridal ego thing-it's MY day.... I'm the centre of attention and I don't want anyone to spoil that/take the limelight from ME, ME, ME . Selfish, closed and mean spirited and the wrong road to take if you want to be shining like a beacon on your wedding day.

Of course the wedding is about the couple getting married. They just are the centre of attention, without even doing anything. Generally people are there to share love and give support to the two people who are making this commitment to each other. If someone chooses to wear light coloured clothes or even a white dress, does it have to mean that they are disrespecting the bride? Maybe they just found something that they really liked and wanted to wear to the wedding without any thoughts of upstaging the bride. Yet, I hear stories of these innocent people being talked about as if they are witches who deserve to be burned at the stake and devoured at the wedding feast by baying guests.

Jeez! You think I'm exaggerating? You want to read some of these forum posts. People are so tightly bound by rules and etiquette that they have lost all reasonable judgement and their sense of joy and freedom. In the grand scale of things why does it matter?

My point was, it matters only to the bride who is not focused and engaged in what she is doing. The bride that is concentrating on the aesthetics of the day and other peoples behaviour isn't attending to herself. She is allowing outside activity to affect her and take her way off course-in other words losing perspective of what is important and why the day is even happening at all.

When you recall your memories of your wedding day in years to come-what do you hope to remember? Your feeling on the day, your intention, your partners face as you stood with him/her during your ceremony. Will you remember your vows and your inability to stop smiling? Will you remember how confident and proud you were, how radiant you felt and the warmth and softness of your first kiss as a married couple?

Or, will you look back and think -oh yes, Aunty Miranda wore a white dress with a big white hat-what a COW-she completely ruined MY day! Your choice.....

2008-05-02T12:22:00.004+01:00

Life Makeover Show 2008

2008-04-29T14:28:00.011+01:00

Last weekends Life Makeover show in Hove was enthusiastically attended by all manner of folk looking to improve and change different aspects of their lives. There were life coaches, financial coaches, health and well-being coaches, career coaches,style coaches, house cleaners, personal fitness coaches, reiki, acupuncture, massage, EFT,Ayurvedic Practitioners-generally everything imaginable that can help you to practically take charge of your life and make it more efficient, rewarding and enjoyable.

And then there was me.
Getting Married From the Inside Out Coaching and Mentoring for your Wedding Journey. I wanted to try it to see if visitors to a Life Makeover show were more open and receptive to coaching and mentoring in this area of their lives because those that attend wedding shows-in general-are rather resistant to it.

Oh yes, they are stressed, nervous, anxious, confused, daunted and overwhelmed but because they are, on the whole, strongly influenced by the commercial world of weddings, it's difficult for them to switch focus and appreciate the value of emotional and mental preparation on the road to getting married. Many are completely new to the idea of life coaching and are unaware that getting married and planning your wedding, can be fulfilling, rewarding and enlightening -in fact a complete voyage of personal discovery and development that makes for a smoother transition from single to married.

Here, in this life-focused arena -as opposed to a strictly wedding arena-those who were actually getting married or at least thinking about it-were very receptive, intrigued and pleased to find me there.

I had some great conversations with like minded souls-shared my ideas for a change in how getting married is perceived and approached and generally had a great day. I'll definitely be doing that show again-it was FAB!

I noticed how the entrepreneurial spirit of the day kept things buoyant. The place was full of practitioners who really believed in their chosen path and profession and they were excited to share their knowledge and ideas.

Of course everyone there had a business to run and they charge for their individual services but there was a distinct difference in the atmosphere of a hall filled with people promoting products-like at a wedding show to one full of people promoting services that they are passionate about. At the end of the day-instead of feeling drained-I felt positive and uplifted and really, really encouraged that my individual style and brand of coaching has a definite place. Of course, I know that otherwise I wouldn't be doing it but we all need proof, encouragement and feedback to keep us going and sustain the original vigour especially if it is a solo venture of a unique kind.

I'm happy. Small steps in the right direction and as the saying goes, 'from little acorns......

Respect Your Rite of Passage

2008-04-27T23:56:00.011+01:00

I read this funny and warm article about a Bat Mitvah which kind of made the unorthodox Jewish me wish I'd done something like this just for the whole transition into adulthood experience. I was surprised to read how inflated this particular rite of passage has become in terms of budget, pressure and expectation. It seems the commercial world of Bar/Bat Mizvahs is as ludicrous as that of weddings and a significant rite of passage in the life of a Jewish teenager has also mutated into an extravaganza of vulgar proportions.

The link here is the parallel between the two and the fact that I am utterly fascinated with all Rites of Passage and their place in our lives. Getting Married is a major Rite of Passage. Yes even now, when girls and boys leave home at 17 and have several sexual partners before finally shacking up with someone that they are really serious about. Even now, when years of living together, buying a house together and having children often precede the decision to make a public declaration of love and commitment to one another and legally change the status of two single people into that of a married couple. It is still a Rite of Passage-that's my belief anyway.

Just because the order of doing things has changed and we are all generally older and more experienced with relationships and life-it doesn't alter the fact that getting married is a passage into a new phase. It's a transition, a shift, a movement, maybe for some quite a subtle one on the surface but it affects us at very deep level because public vows and commitment, ritual and ceremony are moving and significant things in our lives. A Big Deal-no matter what anyone says.

All the rites of passage within our lives are significant and understanding them more would help us immeasurably.They give meaning and form to the story of our lives and provide milestones to look back on. Yet, we as a culture hardly recognise them and the majority of brides that I meet are unaware of what this or any rite of passage for that matter, actually means.

And, for this reason, it's a core part of my Getting Married from the Inside out Coaching Programme and everyone, without exception has benefited from exploring what it means to them and how it's actually affecting them and impacting upon their personal wedding journey. If nothing else I do want to alert people to what they have decided to do and help them to make sense of it so they can understand, experience and enjoy it to the max.

Like most people, my transition into adulthood just happened and I really wish there had been a memorable event to look back on , something that I could hold onto and recall- how I felt and what I thought-just something that marked my achievement and growth from child to woman. Those moments are precious and those that get to have ceremonies are privileged though they may not realise it at the time-(see girl above!)

Getting married is the same. It's a great big privilege-the process of preparation, the ceremony and celebration that follow are not to be taken lightly-not trivialised by nonsensical commercial claptrap. The success of the whole journey to your wedding day and into marriage lays not in big budget co-ordinated perfection but in taking your rite of passage seriously-experiencing it with awareness and whole hearted intention-then you can be sure that this day that everyone talks about will make it's impact, for all the right reasons.

Truly Great Shots

2008-04-22T16:05:00.007+01:00

I'm often contacted by all kinds of weird and wonderful people offering their wedding services because they think that I'm a wedding planner. I'm not. I'm a coach and mentor and though I do support people creatively to put together a wedding that is authentic -my main aim is to help those on their wedding journey have the best, most rewarding, fulfilling experience possible.

So, today a photographer called me-and I'm so glad that she did. I loved how she sounded- full of energy and life-really warm and vibrant and I kind of knew that her work would be worth looking at. I was right. Her photography is just gorgeous. Rich, atmospheric shots-very creative, original work full to the brim with emotion and life. A world away from the repetitive wedding photos that are churned out time and time again. Seriously, if you want to spend a bit of money on striking, stylish but very real wedding photographs take a visit to Sandra Von Riekhoff's website

I'm not one to urge people to spend lots of money on everything-I'm very inspired by the whole shoestring approach BUT if photographs are high on your list of priorities, I don't think that this talented and passionate photographer will let you down-she'll be a fun, positive person to have around you too.

Frock Shock

2008-04-20T00:40:00.004+01:00

Goodness Me! Seriously, would you?

Elizabeth Emanuel designed this as part of her BHS Range and they sell for £495. At one time, post Diana wedding frock she could command up to £25,000 per dress. Who, I wonder actually paid that much and do they feel as if they were had?

Elizabeth Emanuel says "It is as if my couture dress is the perfume and the Bhs dress is the eau de toilette."

Well, the toilet water of wedding dresses-if that doesn't sell it, I don't know what will!

I just think that it's so unoriginal, unimaginative and well, patronising. I can't believe that any modern day bride, even if they want something retro or classic would go for this.

Does anyone like it? I'd love to know.

You Gotta Roll with It

2008-04-14T11:03:00.011+01:00

Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are getting married-after 10 years together and two children.
Liam Gallagher and Nicole Appleton married on Valentines Day after eight years together and in January Julie Christie married her long term partner of 28 years. Previously she had said that marriage didn't fit in with her beliefs and more hippyish ideals.
So, all kinds of couples-some would say-less conventional, freer thinking, independent souls are deciding to go through the tradition and ritual of a wedding ceremony to become legally united as a married couple.

For them, no fanfare, no monstrous OK/Hello deals, no security helicopters heralding the arrival of a frenetic media circus. Just a joyful wedding of two people who love each other surrounded by the love and support of people that they really want to be there.They have no need to tell the world, they feel no urge to prove their status -they are strong and secure within themselves as people and as a couple and their decision to marry has depth and mutual desire behind it rather then a desperate need to fortify their fame and celebrity standing.

Marriage isn't outdated. Neither is it pointless, unimportant, unfashionable or at the 'beginning of the end' as Hannah Betts recently suggested in the Observer. It's not any one thing-it's lots of different things-a moveable feast that's unique to each couple. How can it be labelled?- that's just too narrow and short-sighted-biased , cynical and closed to infinite possibility.

I love to hear that media perceived 'hell-raisers' are choosing to get married. It encourages my belief that, deep down, marriage is much more about core values and the human need to evolve than an institution of society, a religious act or a result of government puppeteering. If artists, writers, actors and rock stars-those often considered maverick laws unto themselves are choosing lifelong partners in this way-does it not make these staunchly single(mostly) female journalists feel that they could be misjudging something worth having?

OK-It's not for everyone, I agree but there are some people who really get it and want to be open and creative with it-(I'm not talking swinging here) I actually think that those who write about it's lost place in modern society are prone to convention themselves and far from marriage being a thing of the past it is their attitude and view of it that needs bringing up to date.

Very Revealing!

2008-04-12T14:34:00.008+01:00

For the majority of brides, the dress is a big deal. For most it's top of the priorities list and they cannot rest until they have the one that fulfils their dreams.Then follows months of dieting and exercise regimes so they can actually fit into it because they ordered it two sizes smaller than their normal size. Stress, body issues, unhealthy obsession on how they are going to look on the day while completely forgetting how they are going to be-WHO they are going to be. The dress is given more attention and reverie than the act of marriage.

What's a good solution? -Lose the dress!

I can't help but feel that the couples who choose to have nudist weddings are leaps and bounds ahead of the rest. Their focus is absolutely on their decision to marry and to stand there, together as transparent as the day they were born seems to be so fitting.

"Couples who get married in the nude are closer to God, the universe, divine energy, said Rev. Jo Ann Pessagno "Their emphasis is on the ceremony and the words as opposed to the flowers, the place cards, what kind of wine they're serving, what kind entrees, desserts.Nude weddings also remind couples that their lifestyle is about love and acceptance above all else.''

And, as one groom said "nudism is a great equalizer. You are the same as everyone. You're not wearing anything that would separate you from anyone else."

I am intrigued.-I'm not saying that I could do it but actually-I'd like to go to a nudist wedding because I bet the atmosphere would be something else. It's extreme, yes-but in a very positive, peace inspiring way. Anything that strips things back to basics has purity at it's heart and a need and desire to reveal the truth of what lies beneath.

You can't suddenly become a nudist-(or may be you can?) but you can follow that train of thought. Instead of shrouding yourself in in a mask of make-up, uncharacteristic wedding hair and a dress that makes it's entrance before you do, let yourself be seen in as pure a light as possible. Keep your decoration simple and authentic and though you may not literally stand there naked before your partner and all your guests, you will be close as possible with your clothes on.

On Yer Bike!

2008-03-24T22:02:00.007Z

Heart warming tales from The Orient. Excessive Wedding Syndrome has travelled the globe and some couples are just not having it.

I wonder who came up with this idea? I think it's down to earth, celebratory, inclusive, connected to the community and people outside of the wedding party and completely fitting for the day. It must also be so much fun to do.

What do you prefer to hear about-stuffy seasonal wedding trends or bursts of joy like this?

Just Another Contemporary Wedding Myth

2008-03-19T15:46:00.013Z

This week every newspaper has reported on the fact that weddings are now so expensive that many couples are cancelling or postponing for a long time. This is sad. Getting married is a decision in your HEART-and yet people are changing their minds based on whether they can have the wedding of their dreams or not-which shows where their values lie. It seems that if they can't have a wedding to end all weddings then they don't want to have one at all. How crazy is this?!When did the size and grandeur of a wedding become so much more important than the actual act of getting married

Perhaps, in the long run-this is a good thing. Less faux marriages-less divorces. Less people doing it just for the day. Maybe this is how we sort out the wheat from the chaff-those that really want to be married. Those that do just want to make a public and legally binding commitment to each other-progress, develop and evolve together as husband and wife will find a way of doing it that they can happily afford.

Who says it has to cost £18,500? Personal style can't be bought-it's just in you and having restricted funds can make you extraordinarily creative and resourceful. Putting together a low-even no budget wedding can be real fun!

On the other hand trying to keep up with the latest trends as featured in websites like The Knot isn't fun at all. This is precisely what causes panic and pressure. This is what some brides think they must live up to and they feel inadequate,like they are failing in some way if they can't. The issue has been clouded so much that for many people the real point of a wedding has been well and truly lost. It's almost as if the sub text of a marriage proposal is actually, 'will you have a wedding day with me?' Oh yes, yes I will comes the reply and almost immediately the fantasising and obsessing begins.

If you really want to get married and are genuinely distraught about the cost of things you can take heart. It's only commercial, conventional, aspirational weddings that cost so much. It's more than possible to get married on a shoestring and it will be intimate , personal and beautiful with the true spirit of the day free to shine through. Instead of seeing your financial restrictions as an obstacle, look on it as a challenge.

The most stunning and memorable weddings are those that are rich with intention and love and they come for free.

The Future's Green

2008-03-18T13:47:00.007Z

Happily the concept of a green wedding has made it to the mainstream. It's a movement that involves more than your die hard eco warriors and now people believe that that an ethically minded-environmentally and socially aware wedding can also be stylish, enjoyable fun while also making you feel good too.

We desperately needed something to break the nasty self indulgence of the conventional weddings of our time.While some will never tear themselves away from the idea of a magnificent extravaganza where they get to be princess for a day-more and more are coming round to the idea that some thought, conscious awareness and care for others besides themselves on their wedding day, can actually be a great thing.After all how can a selfish,self-centred, self conscious person be a beautiful bride-no matter how swanky the dress,flawless the skin and make-up,Manolo'd the feet or sparkling the teeth and diamonds? True beauty comes from within.

Its the way to go.The excessive approach left over from the nineties is so passé. Bridezillas are OUT and open generous, kind and thoughtful brides are IN!

Getting Married from the Inside Out completely supports and encourages a socially, environmentally and personally conscious approach to getting married and planning a wedding and for that reason I am so happy to have met people like Katie Fewings of Ethical Weddings and Rosie Ames of Green Union. Both are committed to and passionate about a green and ethical approach to weddings and life in general and I'm excited about what we can all achieve with our combined ideas. It's a connection to the bigger picture and our place and responsibility to and within the world. Really, it's all about having an open heart and that reaps the greatest awards.

Wedding Magazine Blues

2008-03-09T23:44:00.007Z

I came across this great blog post that I completely, absolutely agree with. It takes some time to see that lifestyle magazines, in excess are dangerous. They have a brainwashing effect and create insecurity and in the case of wedding mags-mild hysteria. Use them sparingly, with a discerning eye and a sense of humour.

The answers are not outside of you-they are all within. The more of these magazines that you read the further it will take you away from yourself. Like everything, it's about balance -a little bit of inspiration does no harm but to follow these glossies as if they were gospel can lead you into psychological wasteland.

I used to buy magazines regularly but now I look at them on the shelves and know that though they look enticing at first glance, beyond the striking cover there is little to enlighten or satisfy me. After years of buying them I know they are repetitive and kind of elitist and like the weddings of today-style over substance-they leave you wanting so much more.

I truly believe this;'At the centre of your being, you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.' Lao Tzu wrote that not me but I do have it on my website as a kind of leading thought. A belief like this is comforting, calming and great relief and, in practical terms, once you are over the consumer magazines and turn to yourself for some answers, you'll save an awful lot of money!

The Wedding Oscars

2008-03-08T01:05:00.004Z

It's already all too competitive, expensive and commercial and then I read this!

WEDDING AWARDS! No, no, no!

Please, please let this not catch on. Can you imagine? And the award for best favours idea goes to Sharon Midgeley-Warner for her hand blown crystal studded conkers. Best vows? Most imaginative decoration of a barn? OK I jest but it's that inane and inappropriate that it will happen.

I already cringe at the indulgence and back slapping of the never ending TV/film/music/design/internet awards that have bred furiously over the last few years. I understand that we all like recognition but it should be given for the highest achievements and excellence and nothing less.

Weddings can be highly creative, imaginative and full of artistry in one form or another but when they are already struggling to resonate with meaning something like this just pulls them even further in the opposite direction.

The wedding awards get a great big raspberry from me!

No Cutting Edge

2008-02-11T23:12:00.006Z

Wedding shows coming out of our ears. If they keep making them, people must be watching them. We are, it seems fascinated by every aspect of bridal drama known to man. The US channel-WE TV-stands for Womens Entertainment I believe, is showing reruns of Bridezillas,Weird Weddings, something delightfully entitled Bulging Brides also Rich Bride Poor Bride,Platinum Weddings, Culture Clash Weddings and the utterly riveting Celebrity Wedding Gowns. Over here we have new offerings of Blow the Budget Weddings, Pregnant Bride To Be and while BBC3 are avidly looking for couples to help plan their Perfect Wedding, Channel 4 are making a documentary about the changing role of the mother of the bride.

Not a week will pass without some kind of wedding show airing. Most reveal nothing new and barely get under the surface to explore the real stories and nitty gritty of what is going on.

The focus always is on the hysteria, the irrational behaviour-the aesthetics, the money, the stress-the chase for the perfect wow factor wedding. I long for them to show a different angle, another perspective, some depth.

Aside from BBC3's fantastic Don't Tell the Bride -where the tables were turned and the roles effectively reversed to produce something truly interesting-we have been given a staple and predictable offering of wedding shows that do no more than reflect the general attitude to and expectations of weddings today.

Numbers may be fluctuating-going down apparently but people are still doing it. Between 250 and 300,000 UK couples a year are getting married either here or abroad. Thousands, nay millions more are thinking about it, dreaming about it, willing and wishing it into their lives.

The production companies who make these shows are in a powerful position. They have a captive audience and a platform to break some new ground-present something more thought provoking, challenging, something that may inspire people to think about getting married and their wedding as something more than a commercial venture.

Of course, it is a grand celebration but getting married is also a major rite of passage, a transition from one phase to another-it's a potentially life changing life event and yet it's rarely approached or perceived in this way. Aside from becoming a parent-it is perhaps the biggest decision that we will make in out lives and so much is invested in that-our hopes, dreams, our faith and trust-the commitment-our desires -our vulnerability and putting ourselves on the line.

Why then, is it the shallow and commercial end of getting married that is repeatedly churned out in one garish package or another. Just because it makes predictably 'good TV'? These shows set the standard for people to follow. They breed more of the same in real life and change nothing. Enough already! Or at least give us something to balance it with-we can take it.

There is a great big gaping hole in the TV schedules for a wedding show for 21st Century. One that takes this multi-layered, fascinating subject and explores where it sits and how it can evolve in our modern world. One that looks at the whole concept of getting married and planing a wedding and instead of presenting a flimsy outer layer to ridicule, it presents something integral, of value and worth and treats it with dignity and respect. Gosh, you never know-that crazy notion may just catch on.

The Simple Life

2008-01-28T00:31:00.003Z

I sense a shift. There's a headline in February's Marie Claire that says,'Goodbye Bling Hello Happiness. Why Simplicity is the New Luxury. I've always said, less is more. I love stylish understatement, the keep it simple philosophy-it makes life so much easier. Excess gives me a headache both to see it and experience it. Anything over embellished just turns me off-from a plate of food to celebrity 'bling'-I even dislike how that word sounds.

It's the same with weddings. The unnecessary overdressing of a venue, the tables, the bridesmaids!The over indulgence of wedding paraphernalia that brides especially feel they simply must have or it's not a wedding in the true sense of the word. Perhaps the simplicity idea will filter down and over lavish weddings will become unfashionable with people going for a more natural look and style -more cottage garden and barefoot on the beach than a big over sugared extravaganza with more props than a West End Musical.

No need to wait for simple weddings to become fashionable though-you can put the idea into practise now and feel the benefit immediately.

Take the plunge and strip your wedding back to basics and then include only the things that have some real meaning and connection to you, the things that are authentic for you.

Put the wedding magazines away for a while and create a vision for your wedding that comes from who you are and the things that you love and are passionate about. When you allow yourself some time away from all the influences of the wedding industry, you will begin to be able to hear yourself think.

Do you really need SO many flowers? Do the tables really need lavish centre-pieces? Do the chairs have to have organza sashes? Do you need favours, presents for every member of the wedding party, doves, ice sculptures, chocolate fountains, gold embossed invites, fancy toiletries in the ladies, a traditional, brand new wedding dress, veil, tiara-are these all things that you really, really want or are they things that you feel you should have? Are the gimmicks and themes threatening to obscure the purity of the idea at the centre of all this-your heartfelt desire and public commitment to one another?

Keep it simple-less is more is perhaps one of the most helpful things that you can say to yourself while planning your wedding. And always, actually. You will not believe how much lighter you can feel when the weight of all those 'must haves' is lifted. When your list of things to do is cut by half and your whole vision for your wedding becomes uncluttered, you will have some clarity, a balanced perspective and some time to think about preparing yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually-from the Inside Out -to be married.

To Wed or Not to Wed, That is the Question

2008-01-27T23:05:00.001Z

No comment!, originally uploaded by Roger B..

From The Times
January 23, 2008

'Living together is just as good as being married, even when it comes to bringing up children, British people now believe.

Fewer than a fifth of people think there is much difference between being married or living together and more than half say that weddings are more about celebration than life-long commitment.

Only 28 per cent think married couples make better parents than unmarried pairs.
Research also discovered that most people think divorce is a normal part of life, with two thirds saying that it can be “a positive step towards a new life”.

Even when children are involved divorce is no longer seen as a disaster, with 78 per cent saying the end of a marriage in itself does not harm children, although conflict between parents does.

The number of Britons choosing to get married fell to the lowest level in 111 years in 2005, when only 244,000 weddings took place.

The last 20 years had brought a dramatic liberalisation of attitudes towards family life.

Family campaigners said they were disappointed that the public thought cohabiting and marriage were the same.

Harry Benson, head of the Bristol Community Family Trust, said: “The findings are not surprising. It is socially acceptable to live together, the government says it doesn’t matter if you are married or not. From the outside if looks the same whether you are married or not.

I'm constantly involved in debate of whether marriage is an outdated institution or not and whether it even has any relevance to today's modern woman.

It is a worthy, interesting and necessary discussion. Times have changed dramatically. Our roles in life are different to how they were even twenty years ago let alone in the 50's and 60's. Our expectations are far reaching, our dreams and desires know no bounds and today anything is possible. It's easy to see why, to some, the idea of marriage may seem safe, boring, uneccessary and well, a bit passe. Many are confused as to how it fits into our society.

So, the general structure of marriage must move with the times-it must evolve or it will be left behind, unable to work effectively in our fast moving modern world. It is not what it was and neither should it be but a more contemporary approach, attitude and understanding of the idea of marriage can work.

At the centre of it all, we as human beings still have the same desires, the same basic needs and the traditional core values in life still have a central place. It's possible to combine that with some new ideas, a less rigid structure, a set up that suits the 21st Century man and woman, giving them both the opportunity, freedom and encouragement to be who they are as individuals as well as a married couple.

It's true-there's not enough thought, contemplation or preparation put into a high percentage of todays new marriages. It's all about the wedding-the great big wonderful wedding and while the lure of that is obvious, nothing great was ever built on hot air.

Marriage is not, has never been, for everyone but I do believe that there is a real place for it and presented in a different, more relevant, meaningful light, it can grab the attention of those who are dismissing it without a thought and change the approach, attitude and perception of those whose thoughts have not ventured beyond their wedding day.

2008-01-27T22:43:00.001Z

Love that Rocky Road!

2008-01-15T12:26:00.000Z

The biggest thing that I am noticing from coaching brides to be is that they all share a vision of planning their wedding while nothing else is going on in their life. They picture a stretch of six to twelve months where they can devote their time idyllically creating their special day and, naturally become resentful when that is clearly not their reality.

All the clichés, 'life happens', 'life goes on'-even 'shit happens' (sorry mum) are so true. There is no period of time where there is just nothing is going down , even if it isn't directly happening to you it will be within your immediate circle of family and friends.

The challenge lies in dealing with it. The problems, the obstacles, the devastating news of terminal illness, death in the family, break ups, divorce, birth of triplets to steal your thunder, job loss, infidelity, feuding families, friends emigrating, the events of life in all their glory will arrive on your doorstep and cause you to struggle in retaining the joy and enthusiasm for preparing and planning for your wedding.

If you take that as a given, be prepared to accept what comes your way, embrace it as part of life's rich tapestry and know that deep within and around you have all the resources you need to deal with it-you will not be defeated. In fact, you'll emerge stronger, wiser, more confident and even more equipped to deal with the world. By the time your wedding day arrives, you will have grown and developed and you can take what you have learned into married life.

In the end, having it easy's not all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes, internal struggle, emotional upheaval and triumphing in the face of adversity, reap the greatest rewards. It all depends on your attitude and your perception of things-the princess can be a warrior too you know!

Say Hello, Wave Goodbye

2008-01-09T00:03:00.001Z

Happy New Year!, originally uploaded by Solitaire Miles.

Oh! Apologies to regular readers and to myself for not writing anything for three weeks. I was ill. Again. Along with rest of Brighton.Then Santa came and emptied his sack in our living room and then it was New Year and the first week has gone by already.

All the papers are writing about how this is bumper time for divorce lawyers. The Independent says, 'Affairs, abuse and simple boredom could see as many as 1.8 million couples contemplate splitting after a fortnight spent largely without the distractions of work....A stressful Christmas can often be the final nail in the marital coffin.' Yikes!

Apparently Relate sees a 50% rise in it's calls over Xmas and the New Year. The time most notorious for life reflection certainly inspires people to take action-whether it's to attempt to rediscover what has been lost or to bite the bullet and move on to pastures new.

Meanwhile, there are others deciding that New Years Eve is the day to get married. While this is undeniably romantic, often the anniversary of the day that the proposal took place and already steeped in memory, if it goes pear shaped, every new year for life will hold a volcano of emotion. I know, it's not the attitude one would expect from a positive wedding coach like me. It's just a private thought that I'm sharing on here because I'm not convinced that it's the greatest idea what with divorce lawyers dubbing the first monday in January as D Day!

Personally,I LOVE the New Year. It's like a mini transition that we all, the world over experience together-more or less and everyone has their way of dealing with it. While some will attempt to lose themselves any way possible there are others who will embrace another significant time of life and learn from what has passed, enjoy riding the wave into the new and celebrate being alive to discover the opportunity and possibility that lays in wait in 2008. That's me! Hope it's you too. A big belated HAPPY NEW YEAR!

What's the Story Here?

2007-12-14T23:02:00.001Z

Dawn of a New Beginning, originally uploaded by Tracie Taylor Photography.

Let me continue to clarify the reason for this blog. It's about the journey of getting married and being individual, waking up, being conscious, making things matter, making decisions and choices that fit with who you are and want you want.

It's not about commercial wedding planning. It's not about doing things right, following trends, following others but about following your heart. Listening to your heart, yourself, hearing yourself, becoming a person in your own right.

Everything that I choose to write about connects to those ideas. I coach people to think for themselves, trust themselves, have confidence in themselves, understand themselves and generally emerge on their wedding day with a strong sense of themselves so that they can take a whole person into their marriage.

It's also about life transition, change, rites of passage, life events and looking at the bigger picture. It's about putting heart and soul into something that has become increasingly soulless and about looking at the whole experience of getting married and planning a wedding as an opportunity to develop and grow.

And why? Because these are things that I care about. Because many people don't have the best experience possible when they get married and step into their new status in a bewildered and mildly traumatised state. It's got to be better than that. Greater than that.

I feel strongly about living in such a commercial world; a fanatical consumers society where bigger, better, faster and brighter are king and weddings are meant to be as perfect and sanitised as a Hollywood A-listers teeth. I feel bound to share my views, my ideas and experience in a way that can and may make a difference to someone else's experience and could and may change, just a little, how getting married and planning a wedding is perceived. That's what I hope, anyway.

First Dance

2007-12-06T00:51:00.001Z

Here's inspiration. Swaying around the room's just not right for some folk. They wanna do their thang! This may not be for all couples but it's a great illustration of how to express the different parts of yourself in your wedding day.

Choose Words

2007-12-05T23:43:00.001Z

Presents for the bridesmaids, paige boy, best man, mother in laws. Presents for each other? What is all this unnecessary present buying that has become de rigeur? The wedding forums are full of brides asking each other what they have bought for everyone and pleading for inspiration for a particularly judgemental mother in law to be.

There is already too much pointless expense. Why does a groom, on his wedding day need a present from his bride? Is it not enough that she is marrying him, exchanging lifetime vows with him, emerging from the day as his wife?What present can match that?

This is the tireless work of the fat cat wedding industry sending out relentless messages that wedding party present buying is good etiquette. What a load of old bollards!

Of course, everyone likes to be recognised for the roles they play at a wedding. People like to be appreciated and to feel important but genuine gratitude can be beautifully conveyed in a speech or a personal, hand written card which can be kept forever.

Weddings are not award ceremonies and present buying isn't obligatory.It doesn't mean that you are stingy if you don't show your appreciation with a gift. It has all got way, way out of hand. Keep it simple, keep it real and, perhaps with the exception of the little ones, feel proud about communicating your thanks in words from your heart and it will be received in the spirit in which it was given.

Arrange Me a Marriage

2007-12-02T23:38:00.000Z

Another angle, another show about marriage. This time, not strictly weddings-though that's obviously the desired end result for the people who have put themselves up for this. With their belief that they will find 'the one' by normal Western methods on the wane, they have offered themselves to Aneela Rahman, an attractive Asian woman-who will take them down the more direct husband hunting route favoured by Asian cultures. That's the idea of Arrange Me a Marriage currently airing on BBC2 ''What matters,'' Aneela says, ''is matching up class, expectations, family and earnings.''

What about chemistry? And love? I think that's supposed to gradually grow. It's an interesting debate-What's best, marriage for romantic purposes or pragmatic ones? There is a strong case for each -I understand why we in the West, eventually came around to the idea of Romantic marriage but we live in a throw away culture where divorce can be filed for after just twelve months and perhaps if were to adopt some of the strategies used in Eastern and some African cultures, we may end up with more suitable partners. It's so hard to judge well when you are in love!

I wonder, when a final choice is made from a selection of suitors presented by the family, does the Indian bride still ask How can I be sure? How do I know I'm doing the right thing? Is this really the one? Some Western brides-and grooms, drive themselves insane looking for definite answers. A sign from above-whatever.

Can anybody ever be 100% sure? I really don't think so and it's necessary to accept that. Getting married is something of a leap of faith however you found your partner because we cannot know what lies ahead. The best that you can do is to let go of expectations, go with the flow of life, be open-minded and rock solid in your own reasons for getting married and saying 'yes' in the first place.

When you have clarity on what you are doing, why you are doing it and what marriage means to you, when you have acknowledged and thoroughly understood your intentions then your intuition, your gut feeling will give you an indication of whether you are doing the right thing for yourself or not. Truly, it will. The question is, are you prepared to listen to it.?

The fabulous newlyweds!

2007-11-27T23:28:00.000Z

It's never too late and you're never too old and this heart warming story proves it. James Mason is 93 and last week he married his younger bride Peggy Clark who is only 85! What spirit, what joie de vivre. They had known each other just a matter of days before he proposed on bended knee and after Peggy accepted with delight, she helped him up again.

The worlds press and media jumped on the story and Peggy and James found themselves thrust into the limelight as Britains oldest newly weds. The really great thing about this story is that they aren't just together for companionship alone, they appear to be head over heels in love, unable to stop cuddling and kissing and they both felt the pull and attraction the moment they met. It was, they say, love at first sight.

It's great that the media brought this to our attention but I think a bit of a shame that their very special wedding was invaded by press and the constantly flashing cameras and endless interviews meant that they didn't get to talk to each other all day.

How must it feel to marry at that age? How must it be to take wedding vows and truly commit to being together until your dying day? Surely, this is one couple that will be living in the moment, appreciating every minute together and living each day as if it is their last. They could probably teach us a lot.

Shake it up , baby!

2007-11-23T01:30:00.000Z

I cannot contain my excitement and I am about to repeat myself in saying how great Don't Tell the Bride is. I just love this show! I could cry, actually I did a little watching episode 2 . Here, we have a cash strapped couple, living with their respective parents and getting married after the lovely Mayeta(she)proposed to JP (he) a year ago.

They are unconventional though she has streak of tradition running through her. He is intelligent, quirky, independent minded and put together a fabulously authentic wedding that reflected their individuality and expressed their essence as a couple. What a star! During the four weeks that they were apart, when he planned the entire wedding, they both took time to reflect on their reasons for getting married, their intentions, their feelings and their commitment to each other. They learned things about themselves which they brought to their wedding day.

The reason this show works is because the normal way to plan a wedding is turned around and shaken up and in the process, it wakes up the people involved. They are not just mindlessly walking the same path that other have trodden before them. A different approach changes the landscape, gives it a fresh perspective and asks different questions. JP saw it as an opportunity to mature and as proof of his strong and genuine feelings for Mayeta.

The success of this show depends on the couple but it is my feeling that any truly conventional couple would just not go for the whole set up. It requires some risk taking, which lets face it goes against the grain of most weddings i.e.predictable safe,commercial,and no surprises.

We are so long overdue for a change in how we look at Getting Married and planning a wedding-it feels tired,tedious and shallow when it can be so vibrant, inspired and life changing. My contribution to change is to present Getting Married from the Inside Out wherever and whenever I can so that more people step off that well trodden path and mark out their own route to their wedding day. Innovative, captivating shows like Don't Tell the Bride just fuel my desire and hearten me like you wouldn't believe.

Fantasy Weddings

2007-11-19T11:29:00.001Z

A couple of weeks ago, I was involved in a documentary for Channel 5 about women who are planning their wedding but have no partner. That is,they are not in a relationship and therefore have no-one to marry, yet, they are still, seriously planning their wedding.

I was asked why they may do this and why the wedding fantasy is so powerful. Well, of course there is no one defining answer and each person will have a different set of reasons to drive them to such behaviour. I do believe though that the root of this lies in how much we are captivated and influenced by stories and how we identify with certain characters within the stories. We role play from an early age and for many females it is the princess that they aspire to be like. The one that is beautiful, rich, revered by many, special, important and rescued by the handsome prince.

For some people those two dimensional fairy stories continue into adulthood and that fairytale wedding is the realisation of their dreams. It signifies social success, status amongst their peers and validation that they are indeed, important, beautiful and worthy of love. For so many women that one wedding day represents so much.

For a minority of women, the fantasising has reached extreme proportions. So much that they have overlooked the importance of one vital ingredient-that of a partner. So focused are they on their fairytale wedding that they have arrested the development of other areas of their lives. They are out of balance and not rooted in reality and if a suitable partner does come their way, it is very likely that they will scare them off when they reveal that they have their wedding already planned!

Even today, in our modern world, full of confident, independent and successful woman, the wedding obsession exists. For many it really is the extension of their childhood fantasies and the news that Disney's 'princess weddings' has now become one of their most successful marketing ventures ever worth over $4billion, seems to reflect just that.

Sometimes, it is as if The Wedding and Getting Married are two very different things with no connection to each other. For some, unfortunately, the decision to get married has shallow roots-it is motivated by nothing more than the overwhelming desire to make their lifelong dreams come true and finally be the beautiful bride at their own fairytale wedding.

Really, the only thing that separates them from the women who are the subject of the documentary, is the fact that they have managed to find someone to have a wedding with.

Don't Tell The Bride

2007-11-17T22:31:00.000Z

I normally have lots of negative things to say about all these TV Wedding shows but Don't Tell The Bride currently showing on BBC3 is an exception. It has so much going for it. The role reversal aspect turns everything on its head , forcing the bride to relinquish control while her husband to be plans the entire wedding without her knowing what decisions he is making. Her true feelings about the meaning of her wedding are free to come to the surface as her time and attention isn't being taken up with the usual planning.

This is a revealing show, that challenges the bride and groom in different ways and the fact that the wedding must be put together in four weeks with a £12,ooo budget and they must stay apart from each other during that time gives it many layers and dimensions.

I think that it's a fantastic idea, a great experiment that can actually do the bride and groom a lot of favours with respect to where their values lay and understanding what their intentions are towards each other. I also think that it is a brave couple who decide to do this knowing what the restrictions are though I'm sure that they haven't fully considered just what they are letting themselves in for. Indeed, the bride above-Katy Ollerenshaw absolutely freaked when she tried on the dress that Sam had chosen for her-and ended up borrowing the one she finally wore(above).

I like ideas that shake things up and change the perspective and I'm interested in watching what happens when a wedding is approached and planned in this way. Anything, anything to break the formula, the predictable set up. Something, that at last gets inside the minds of the couple and shows more than just an outer layer. Hallelujah!

Buck the Trend

2007-11-07T22:04:00.000Z

Just as I completed the last post I ran head first into an article entitled Celebrity Wedding Trends: What's In Style. Oy Veh! Is there no escape from this?

I learn that their cakes are tall opposed to wide, they are into involving their pets, they are keen on doing it far away places and Katie Holmes is responsible for the resurrection of wedding gowns with sleeves? And, we either fall into the category of famous or non famous, celebrity or non-celebrity, star or non-entity. I made the last one up but you get my point.

Anyway, I find it hard to believe that anyone is interested in this useless information that serves no purpose other than to make people feel anxious that their own wedding isn't quite wowee enough.

What tosh! My advice is to give a wide berth to anything that is labelled 'must have' prefixed by the word uber and followed by the words, cool or stylish or claims to be any kind of trend.

It's that flimsy and fickle you can turn anything that you want into a trend and it doesn't have to be led by a s'leb to be acceptable. You go ahead and take great pleasure in doing your own thing, you'll find it so much more enjoyable and rewarding.

Who said the camera never lies?

2007-11-06T14:34:00.000Z

I firmly believe that one of the main reasons that weddings have become so ridiculous and out of hand is the majority obsession with celebrity.
The desire to emanate their perceived life of glamour and million dollar style positively erupts as soon as a wedding is on the cards.

I read a good article in last weekends Mail on Sunday called Do You Have Celebrity Envy?
It attempts to reveal that the the charmed life they appear to lead is nothing more than a cleverly cultivated image captured on celluloid to con society that this is where the party's at and this is how you need to be to call yourself 'somebody'. Unfortunately, too many believe it to be true and follow suit by buying the same labels, taking the same holidays and eating in the same restaurants-generally living way beyond their means.

In reality, the celebrity is being dictated to by society and the media, constantly having to live up to expectations by presenting the façade they believe everyone wants to see. The stunning photo is a contrived moment that generally doesn't represent the reality of their life and what is going on beneath the surface.

Now, one of the most anticipated parts of a wedding day has become, not the ceremony but the photographs! So much time, energy and money is put into getting the perfect shot where the bride looks beautiful, slim, glamorous, radiant, so very, very happy. She is surrounded by her matching bridesmaids, with her handsome man, and yes, in that one she looks just like a film star! The dream has been achieved and captured forever for everyone to see.

There is nothing wrong with that so long as the drive it takes to get those perfect wedding photos hasn't overtaken the real meaning of the wedding day and the happiness that they show is much more than skin deep.

Happiness cannot be bought, It doesn't come from material wealth, a glitzy lifestyle or outer beauty-celebrity doesn't equal happiness-perhaps quite the opposite. Like the other great things in life, happiness comes from WITHIN and your acceptance and celebration of yourself, your ability to love with all your heart and an understanding of what it means to be generous and kind. I truly believe that-well, I know it to be true.

Once you get that, the pursuit of happiness from outside means; material things and a perfect image, seems to just fall by the wayside. You'll see right through those glossy celebrity mags and instead of wishing you were more like them, you'll be content to just be you.

Then you are ready to get married!

It's gotta be you, wonderful you

2007-10-28T01:35:00.003+01:00

On Dirty Dancing -Time of Your Life one of the judges comments towards a young dancing couple was that she couldn't see who they were-she felt she knew nothing about them. In other words, they weren't expressing their personalities through their dancing, they were revealing nothing of their inner world. Their passion, hearts and souls were hidden, their dancing was fine on the outside but lacked depth and substance to captivate and move the audience.

Later, that day on the X Factor, Simon Cowells' comments to a young female singer were the same. He said, 'I don't know who you are', meaning that she wasn't allowing her true self to be seen and connect with the audience. It's simply not enough to have a good voice or be a good dancer, there needs to be charisma, star quality and a magnetic, real person shining through to make people care about and remember you.

I place a lot of importance on being who you are. On the road to your wedding day, there is a great opportunity to find out more about who you are so that you may bring a whole person to your wedding day and into your marriage.

For any kind of personal success, it's essential to be who you are and as a bride on your wedding day, it's not enough to go through the motions, to be how you think others expect you to be or to try and impress. For a truly fulfilling and memorable experience you need to bring your individual self to the table and connect with what you are doing. Or, you may just find that like the judges watching the performers, you are left with an empty, flat feeling that causes you great problems further down the line.

Don't be that bride! The one that can't even remember her wedding ceremony or who looks back on the day as if she were role playing in some kind of dream. Be the one that sings her own song, dances to her own tune and spend the months before you marry getting to know yourself like you've never done before.

You'll be glad you did.

I place a lot of importance on being who you are. On the road to your wedding day, there is a great opportunity to find out more about who you are so that you may bring a whole person to your wedding day and into your marriage.

For any kind of personal success, it's essential to be who you are and as a bride on your wedding day, it's not enough to go through the motions, to be how you think others expect you to be or to try and impress. For a truly fulfilling and memorable experience you need to bring your individual self to the table and connect with what you are doing. Or, you may just find that like the judges watching the performers, you are left with an empty, flat feeling that causes you great problems further down the line.

Don't be that bride! The one that can't even remember her wedding ceremony or who looks back on the day as if she were role playing in some kind of dream. Be the one that sings her own song, dances to her own tune and spend the months before you marry getting to know yourself like you've never done before.

You'll be glad you did.

VALUABLE VOWS!

2007-10-24T23:05:00.001+01:00

Last Sunday 21st October was our wedding anniversary. We married seven years ago at Portmeirion in North Wales on the most beautiful autumn day that felt more like late summer. And seven years later in Brighton, the warm sunshine and clear blue skies brought the memory of our wedding day to the forefront of our minds and put us in a mood conducive to good times.

I wrote a blog entry on the day but somehow lost it before I posted. Perhaps it was fate-maybe it was too sentimental. In a nutshell, I admitted that this year had been a struggle. Though we have been in a relationship for 20 years, we were both feeling the seven year itch thing-some days wondering why we were together feeling nothing but distance between each other.

We have changed a lot; evolved-me especially. We realise that we need to re-establish our relationship to each other and not expect things to just remain the same. We need to continue evolving as a couple. The good news is the desire to do that is there for both of us.

Our wedding anniversary was more significant than we had anticipated. We expected little and got a lot. We got each other. With nothing really planned we just allowed the day to unfold and as we wandered down to the beach and had lunch at a restaurant overlooking the sea, I felt thankful and content to still be married. It was effortlessly special and naturally romantic.

I write this for a reason. WEDDING VOWS. Without them, we may well have thrown in the towel before now. When you allow yourself to be in the moment and emotionally connect with your vows, it is a powerful feeling indeed. The tradition and ritual of a wedding ceremony, civil or religious, cannot be underestimated. It is the nucleus and substance of your wedding and the thing that can make the grandest impact on you and your life. Getting married, for me, was a much needed anchor, for my husband too I believe.

I married a man that I loved. Nothing more, nothing less. He was an imperfect match and still is. Sometimes, I question whether I love him in the same way but then I'm reminded that I still do-I care for him too and he has always, always been able to make me laugh-his wit is inimitable.

At the time, I knew why I was getting married, what it meant to me , it's place in my life and I understand that even more now. It's one of life's opportunities that I think is very often misread and misunderstood. Here's my take on it-it's a simple quote by a man called Joseph Barth which sums it all up for me, 'Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.' Within a sea of stress and anxiety, confusion and doubt, that quote is a helpful beacon of light that can make sense of all the modern day pre wedding madness and help to show you the way.

Then, you have your vows. If they come from you, and you speak them from your heart, they will be absorbed into your being and when you veer off course, they will be right there to put you back on track. Suck it and see. It's working for me!

Dressing from the Inside Out

2007-10-17T19:53:00.000+01:00

I don't know about anyone else, but I thought that Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie on her wedding day in the new Sex & the City film looked like a cross between Cruella de Ville and a character from a restoration comedy. Over made-up and over styled, she just looked daft! It was more like a spoof of Sex & the City -I found it hard to believe that they were serious.

The wedding dress is a big old subject. So big in fact that it now has a TV show dedicated to choosing one.
'Say Yes to the Dress,' is a 13 part series on U.S. channel TLC. Here's a taster-the clip I saw went like this- Assistant: 'What do you want to look like in your dress?' Bride to be: 'Barbie.' !!!!!!!! It's billed as part fashion show, part bridal story, part family therapy and tells the 'fascinating tales of the women who are in search of the most important dress they will ever buy.'

And with message like that, it's no wonder that for many brides, the success of their wedding day depends on finding that one perfect dress. In their minds, it is the thing that finally transforms them from normal to special to fulfil their lifelong fantasy of a fairytale wedding. It is a major issue and after the date and venue are decided, it's at the top of the list as a priority.

I do feel that a brides attitude towards her dress is often indicative of her attitude towards her wedding. Too much focus on the dress usually means little or no focus on the reason that she's wearing it in the first place. Whereas, the bride who is consciously preparing herself to be married, who is looking forward to the action and words of the ceremony may well place less emphasis on searching for a dress that makes her feel and look like a princess. She is more likely to want a dress that says something about who she is, on the inside.

When the dress comes up during coaching, my question is, 'Who do you want to be on your wedding day? What aspects of yourself do you want to highlight-which parts of your character and personality do you want to bring out and get in touch with?How will you capture your unique style?Indeed, what is your unique style? These are thought provoking questions that help to reveal how you feel about yourself.

If I'm honest, I sometimes think that full on wedding dresses look a bit ridiculous. What looked good in the shop, often looks out of place in the venue and it's a good idea to take that into account. Think about the size, style and mood of the place that you will marry in before you get carried away and in your weak, 'Oh mommy moment', ( One Perfect Day, by Rebecca Mead describing the moment the bride believes she finds THE dress of dresses) you get stung for a veil and tiara too! The last thing you want to do is look back at your photos and think,'what on earth possessed me to wear THAT. What was I thinking?

It's so easy to get swept along by the romance of it all, and to buy into that whole bridal image hook, line and sinker. I'm not saying don't do it-I'm just suggesting some thought, some contemplation about yourself and who you are at the centre of it all so that your dress choice comes from you. You got it-from THE INSIDE OUT!

Simply the Best

2007-10-15T23:09:00.001+01:00

dita von teese - by georges antoni - for harper's bazaar, originally uploaded by fashion.inspiration.

My best friend is getting married. Not to the man that she spent twelve years with. Neither to the one that she spent the last three years with. No. She's marrying the man that she never stopped loving after she split up with him over sixteen years ago! I wasn't surprised. Just a few weeks into her new found singledom, she told me that they were in regular contact and that she was going to visit him in France for a week. She returned happy and confident that she would be moving there to be with him and after the second visit he had asked her to marry him. Mais, bien sur!

We spent an afternoon chatting in my kitchen about her plans to marry in Soho in London with an intimate party of family and close friends. She's wants to go for a forties/Dita Von Teese look-how marvellous-and she's hoping to pull together some of the wildly talented Soho characters that she's known over the last 20 years to sing and play some ad hoc tunes.

I asked her what I could do to help and she said -'You're my Best Woman-did I not tell you? No, I said-never mentioned it-but I'd be honoured-what do you want me to do. 'Well, she said, arrange it, style it, everything.' 'And a speech?' 'Oh, yes, please , I'd love that,' she said. No pressure, then. Truly, she's my closest friend of over 20 years, I am so very happy for her and proud to be playing a significant role in her day. I know it's going to be gloriously unconventional.

I am sharing this story because she knows how to be authentic. She feels no pressure to conform and no need to fulfil expectations. She will wear her favoured dark tones to marry in and there will be no bridesmaids, ushers, wedding cars, chair sashes, gift list but it will be rich in personality, spirit, intention and love. It will be a great celebration of the union of two people who have remained unsettled in their lives until their paths were able to cross again and all the usual wedding stuff, in this case is just surplus to requirement. I just know I'm going to cry!

Authentic Weddings Are Us!

2007-10-13T23:12:00.000+01:00

I return after a few days feeling happy and satisfied. A horrible virus wiped me out for a couple of days but today the Wedding Planning Workshop that I held in Brighton was just fab and shifted the last remnants of lurking germs. I have to mention the Friends Meeting House where I hold my workshops because it is such a special place with a great atmosphere, wonderful welcoming attitude and a hive of fascinating activity and they are particularly supportive of me and my work-I just love them!

Whenever I coach brides to be, I feel privileged because they are confiding in me and sharing their hopes and fears, anxieties and concerns in ways that maybe they haven't done before and it does move me.

The group today was small but perfectly formed! They were all interested in each other, even though they were so diverse with completely different ideas about things. Everyone shared their story and explained why they had come and what they wanted to get from the day and it was a pleasure to have a male of the species in the group too. I know that the workshop opened everybody's mind about wedding planning and gave them inspiration and encouragement to increase their own self knowledge and self awareness so that they really can go ahead and create a wedding that expresses and represents who they are.

Everyone left on a high, with a spring in their step and so did I. So, thank you to all of you who came for being so open and generous.

If anyone is curious or interested to know more about my unique wedding planning and self preparation workshops or, indeed private coaching please email me at lesley@gettingmarriedinsideout.co.uk

Give the girls a break

2007-10-09T22:04:00.001+01:00

manolomichele1 copy.jpg, originally uploaded by brooklyn bride.

I've just visited one of my favourite wedding blogs, Manolo for The Brides, to find their post for today is the same topic as I had mine planned to be! Matching bridesmaids. It's not necessary. I know the wedding formula says it is, for aesthetically pleasing, matching, symmetrical, perfect photos but those poor girls. All of them different shapes and sizes, different colouring and ages, having to wear the same dress. Who started that? It's the worst idea.

How many when asked to be a bridesmaid, think privately to themselves, yeah OK but what's she going to have me dressed in? How many dread being seen in public in the peach halter-neck monstrosity that means they can't wear a proper bra or cover up the tops of their untoned arms which they just hate.

Time and time again, brides go down that same road without even thinking that they could do something different. YOU CAN DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. And if you do, you'll love it, being creative. Getting your girls together and seeing what styles suit who. You can have different tones of the same colour or different styles of the same colour so that each bridesmaid wears something that suits her & reflects her personality. That idea works so well and it gives it a contemporary edge. I often think that bridesmaid dresses look so fuddy duddy and desperately drab and then it's all topped of with matching, heavily lacquered hairdo's!

It just needs a bit of individual thought, step outside of the box, no need to be wild (you can be though) and do something that's about you and the people involved. The photo above is a good example of something stylish, youthful but not too daring. Go on -let yourself go! There's freedom to be had.

K.I.S.S.-keep it simple stupid

2007-10-08T12:04:00.001+01:00

nuptial bliss, originally uploaded by kelebek.

I went to a wedding show yesterday-at Stanmer House in the Sussex Countryside. It's a beautiful old house that went for a song a couple of years ago and has been renovated to it's former glory.It stands in glorious, peaceful grounds and if you want to hire it for your wedding day it costs a mere£5,000 !! Rather steep I think but how much do you want to bet that people stretch their purse strings further than they actually reach to buy themselves a piece of their dream. Yes, it is a special day but special doesn't have to put you in debt or it starts to be not special and turns into a great big headache that brings on anxiety and stress.

I had a stand there to raise awareness of my unique Getting Married from the Inside Out coaching and mentoring service that I offer to those getting married and to let the brides know about my fab wedding planning workshop that I'm running on 13th October in Brighton.

Usually, these wedding shows are hard going. Manic, panicking brides to be, charging from stand to stand, cramming leaflets into their goody bags, getting too much information about too many suppliers and confusing and draining themselves into the bargain. Stress left, right and centre-not for me, for them.

Then there's me, explaining what I do, how I can enhance their wedding journey and all the already marrieds say, 'Oh, if only I'd known about you when I was getting married-I was so stressed and cried all through my wedding,' or 'it took me six months to get over the depression that I felt after the wedding,' or 'I was so nervous, I don't remember any of the ceremony.'

And I say, 'Well, that's why I'm doing this because getting married has gone CRAZY. People need to prepare themselves for the changes that they face, come to terms with things emotionally and psychologically and think about this most significant
Rite of Passage Get ready to get married not just on the outside but on the inside too.'

Slowly but surely I'm battering down the walls of resistance to show people a better way that will bring greater enjoyment and more desirable results. It's a lonely road but it will be worth it in the end.

The main point of this post is that this wedding show was quite enjoyable. Firstly, because of the non corporate setting and general ambience which seemed to affect visitors positively as they came in. Secondly, there was a limited number of stands and suppliers, so people really took their time to talk and find out about things instead of rushing around like headless chickens trying not to miss anything. Which brings me neatly to-less is more. Keep it simple. It always works.That could be a mantra for every bride to be. When fighting the temptation to include every tradition and ritual in to your wedding and every latest nuptial must have-repeat the mantra, breath and relax and step out of that hypnotic wedding zone.

Keep It Simple -simple and stylish- and make your choices based on what you really love and what matters to you. You'll end up with a wedding that has personal meaning that you feel belongs to you and that is a great goal to have for any bride to be.

Beautiful Couple....Shame about the wedding

2007-10-06T22:28:00.000+01:00

First I read about the couple who won a competition for a £13,000 wedding to be paid for and arranged by the Lincolnshire Echo and then the couple who won a competition in the US called 'Today throws a Martha Stewart Wedding Contest.' Their original personal, home made $5,000 wedding was cast aside for a half million dollar lavish television wedding live on The Today Show.

Everything was chosen for them by the public -there was no personal input apart from the minister from the brides home town was chosen to marry them. They had a wedding that was remote from who they were as people, which was held outdoors at The Rockerfeller Centre with the traffic zooming by in the background. (Good job they were mic'd up)

The fact is that the majority of these competition weddings are bad karma for want of a better expression. The marriages seem to never quite get of the ground. The radio comp weddings, breakfast TV ones -all of them commercial traps that exploit people searching for what they perceive to be a dream wedding. The biggest winners in these charades are the broadcasting companies that profit greatly form the publicity.

That couples $5,000 wedding would have been gorgeous-all about them, full of love and intimacy and relevant to who they are. Instead they have ended up with a public, commercial extravaganza that they may well have difficulty coming to terms with. Watch the video clip-no sooner have they been pronounced husband and wife then tele people are in their faces for an interview. I feel that they have been robbed of a day of personal, private significance. Course, they may feel quite, quite different.

Hold it flash, bang, wallop what a picture!

2007-10-05T00:22:00.001+01:00

Cutting the Cake, originally uploaded by LilRonGal.

I went to a wedding last weekend.(Not this one above-I chose this shot for the fabulous, un-posed cake cutting.) I most loved the spontaneous moment during 'the wedding breakfast' when our Frank Sinatra soundy likey belted out his finale number 'New York New York' and the entire top table rose to their feet with arms aloft. It was heart-warming, funny, unexpected and really and truly in keeping with the vibrant, energetic personality of the bride.

This was a mostly formal, formula wedding which I felt sat uncomfortably with the couple in question. It restrained them instead of setting them free. The ceremony was I thought quite heavy and down beat until the bride spoke her own vows with such honesty, joy and confidence that I began to feel some real moving emotion. It was like the person inside was bursting at the seams to break free from this self imposed conventional wedding structure.

I most disliked the endless, endless photographs. The staged setups, the groupings, the uneccessary moving people from room to room, breaking up the natural flow of the day, to get a good shot when much better, interesting snaps were being taken by everyone else.

Why oh why does this happen. WHY? Some photo sessions go on for two hours or more-it's complete madness! If you like those awful photographs that appear in Hello with groups of celebrities in their best clothes and french manicured hands all smiling their brightest whitest smiles, then you will be in stark disagreement with me.

I understand that people want great photos to look back on but the best I have seen come from the guests being given throw away cameras to capture the day as it really happens. There is no need for formation, perfection or a long list of set ups. Give yourself a break. Let go of the reigns and let your horse gallop wherever it needs to go!

Last Rites or Wedding Rites?

2007-10-02T11:19:00.000+01:00

I came across this today-Virginia Ironside wrote in The Oldie:

''But I have to say that, on the whole, I now far prefer funerals to formal weddings.
Why? I always think of people on these occasions as like a group of marbles on the floor. Have a wedding, and dozens more marbles are introduced and everyone gets pushed further and further out; have a funeral and, when one marble is removed from the gathering, the others all move in to close the gap. Funerals are full of compassion, forgiveness, comfort and kindness. Weddings are often places of fear and irritation, as strange people with sometimes opposing views confront each other.''

She's not wrong either. I have been to weddings that have tension positively hanging in the air and it's usually the more formal ones that have done everything by the book, spent all the money and are set on having the day running like clockwork. Somewhere along the line, in the need to impress, prove status and attain perfection, the point is being missed.

The best weddings are the ones that are personal, come from the heart and where the couple involved are surrounded by love and support no matter what other family dramas lay beneath the surface. When people can just forget themselves and enter into the spirit of the day, there is nothing quite like a wedding for warming the cockles of your heart.

Having said that, funerals cut to the chase. They are humbling and often disarming and generally everyone knows what's what. They provide an opportunity to think deeply and contemplate ones life and often , it's true they do bring out the best in people where weddings, sometimes bring out the absolute worst. Ooh, it's a tough call! What's your preference?!!

What is Authentic?

2007-10-01T15:01:00.000+01:00

People sometimes look at me blankly when I talk about an authentic wedding. Perhaps it's the context that I am using it in. 'Authentic' means genuine, honest, true, real;of undisputed origin. So, an authentic wedding will be something that has comes from the core of who you are. It will express aspects of yourself, your personality and what matters to you in your life. It will reflect your style, convey your intentions and represent who you both are as people and as a couple. Most importantly, it will be a day that you feel connected to and a wedding that is related to you.

An authentic wedding is a creative act and not a commercial endeavour. There is great pleasure to be had from putting it together and I want to help and inspire people to take this route when they are on the precipice of planning it for themselves.

Lets push aside this idea that wedding planning must be a nightmare turning the majority of brides into emotional wrecks unable to remember huge chunks of their day as the wedding nerves grip and take over completely. Why do people settle for that?

In order to be authentic, it is necessary to know yourself and increase your self awareness so that you can confidently and clearly make the choices that come from within you and not from outside of you; yes, from the Inside Out! It is only when you begin to apply this approach that you realise just how much it can give you in terms of enjoyment and fulfilment and if more people were to go about it in this way it could begin to be seen as something to look forward to and not something to dread.

Surely, life is about getting the most out of these great experiences that make up the stories of our lives-otherwise, really what's the point?

Stress is a choice

2007-09-27T22:53:00.000+01:00

My website stats tell me that many, many brides to be are anxious, stressed and nervous. This word stress is overused and really has so many meanings on so many levels. I think its used too lightly where words like irritated, impatient, confused, short fused, overwhelmed, I could go on, would be more appropriate. Why is is important? Well, it is because getting married is automatically linked with stress these days. We are told that certain aspects of wedding planning are stressful, and therefore people expect to be stressed, invite the stress and I believe, sorry, indulge in this stress thing. It does irk me because so much of the positive and joy in getting married and planning a wedding is overlooked,pushed aside or just ignored in favour of joining the stress party.

I want to say, loud and clear that getting married and planning a wedding doesn't have to be stressful. With the right approach, attitude and perception of what it's all about, the experience can be fulfilling, rewarding and life changing. It will be a challenging and demanding journey but anything worth doing in life is just that. When you dig below the surface, the reasons for the so called stress are usually emotional, rarely practical and with a desire to understand it and get to grips with it the situation can be turned around.

Love this quote' It's not the situation that's causing you stress, it's your thoughts, and you can change that right here and now. You can choose to be peaceful right here and now. Peace is a choice and it has nothing to do with what other people do or think. ' Gerald Jampolsky

And the bride wore...Disney

2007-09-24T13:11:00.001+01:00

Princess inspired wedding dress anyone? If it's a resounding yes-you are in luck because that is the next thing winging its way across the pond from the Magic Kingdom. Disney have introduced a range of wedding dresses to capture the fairytale image that so many brides associate with getting married.

It launched in The States this summer and its set to reach the UK soon. Clever marketing by a world reknowned brand is sure to be a hit in certain quarters. Personally, need I even say it? This is the commercial world of wedding planning at it's dastardly best and it makes me want to run in the opposite direction. It's true that I never had the fairytale fantasy so I don't know what it feels like but this does seem like the epitome of buying into a dream and that is a real dampener of original thought.BEWARE!

That DRESS!

2007-09-21T16:47:00.000+01:00

Here's the perfect example of not getting married from the inside out. This story is a few months old bit I didn't have this blog then and now I do. A very young bride had a 28 stone wedding dress that took 2hrs to get on;it needed about a million people to carry the train and which was 60 ft long and with all that she forgot why she was there in the first place.

I blame the parents. I'm sorry but the greatest memory from that day is more likely to be the back complaints that she will suffer for the rest of her life for spending the whole day in a dress that weighed the same as two blokes.

Yes, I am a life coach and yes, I am non judgemental but not in this case!

Coaching and Getting Married-perfect bedfellows

2007-09-21T11:18:00.001+01:00

I will frequently write about this, talk about this and shout it from the rooftops until everyone is bored but also convinced that the process of coaching and the process of getting married are well suited.

Coaching is about enlightenment, self awareness, realising potential , moving forward to somewhere that you desire to be, being the person that you long to be. Getting Married holds those opportunities. To get the most out of getting married, to really understand and embrace this Rite of Passage and come to terms with the transition, the change of status and identity and to get full enjoyment from it-some help is required and I believe, strongly that a tailored coaching programme, even odd coaching sessions are the ideal answer.

And, of course-the wedding.Putting yourself into the creation of your wedding and realising that it can be fulfilling, rewarding, memorable, enjoyable-a brilliant experience- really requires a different approach to the one most commonly used-the endless list checking formula that send people half crazy as they follow the instructions and forget to come up for air.

That's why I'm holding a Creating Your Authentic Wedding Workshop-to show people how they can have a great, free, creative, happy experience.

Wedding Drama

2007-09-20T01:07:00.001+01:00

Not a day goes by when I don't read a story, see a forum comment or hear a live conversation about the drama that is involved in getting married. Rarely, do I hear someone say something positive about their wedding planning experience or about how they are feeling themselves learn and grow as they move towards marriage. Generally its complaints about the stress involved in planning a wedding and the hard time they are getting from family, bridesmaids, in laws.

Getting married is a process of change and it affects everyone close to the people involved. Their lives are affected and dynamics are shifting. People become unsettled and uncomfortable with change and especially in the UK, don't or can't express it. Instead, they behave badly and cause argument and hurt.

Getting Married is about so much more than a perfect, happy wedding day. It is about separation, loss, letting go, saying good bye, ends and new beginnings. It isn't easy-it requires, contemplation, communication and understanding on everyone's part for it happen smoothly.

Coaching can help with this massively. Coaching is always helpful at times of transition so that the individual can come to terms with what is happening, prepare for the change and embrace all that it entails.Then they will be able to help the people around them cope and understand it too. My article Dealing with the Drama of Getting Married explains this in a little more depth to help people at least get to grips with why so much conflict and confusion happens at this time.

Communication is the name of the game AND being a kind and generous bride.

Be Free!

2007-09-14T14:37:00.000+01:00

How many brides do I meet that have allowed themselves to be bound by the rules? Truthfully, the majority intend to do things by the book and use phrases like 'I'm supposed to do this' and 'I'm meant to do that.' My answer is, 'who says?' I know there is etiquette,tradition, ritual, all those things but really the right way to do things is only the way that is right for you.

I really want to encourage and help people to think for themselves when they are getting married-and have a wedding journey that enriches and colours their lives for the better. It should not be bound by rules; it can be a voyage of self discovery and a time of growth as you plan a day that is relevant to you and your life, your values and beliefs, your intentions and your own style.

Forget all those endless checklists of all that you must have and all that you must do and keep that perfect wedding planning formula at arms distance. Go for something that is essentially you, personal, intimate, joyful. Free yourself from the shackles of commercial wedding planning and venture out on your own road on your terms and see how free you feel. Liberty!

Let your hair down

2007-09-13T00:33:00.000+01:00

This is something that increasingly concerns me. I do know why. I keep seeing photographs of youthful brides with very old looking hairstyles piled up on top of their heads. Its seems to have become de rigeur for brides to have a style that they would never dream of wearing any other day in their life -one of curls, ringlets, lots of pins holding pieces, buns, french plaits and chignon type things. Sometimes, they look a bit ridiculous and I often wonder what the groom is thinking when he sees his bride walking towards him with a hairdo that he's never seen before. I'm sure it must throw some of them a bit, especially if they don't like it much.

It has become part of the wedding day 'formula' and brides to be go along for their hair tests and allow these creations to be applied to them without even considering whether it is right for them, suits them, or they really, really want it.

Its great fun for the hairdresser to get the creative juices flowing but does little to allow the bride to express her personal style and personality.

As a coach -it's not for me to say what is right or wrong for a person but I would always encourage and support someone to be who they are in every way especially on their wedding day.

Back to being authentic again-it's what will bring the most pleasure and allow people to connect with themselves and to their wedding day so they don't look back on it and feel like it was happening to someone that they don't recognise.

Beautiful Wedding

2007-09-11T23:05:00.001+01:00

Today I was reminded about a wedding that I went to during the summer. I received a link to the photos which captured the spirit of the day exactly as I experienced it. It was the simplest, most unfussy wedding that was so full of joy and genuine intent. It was about family, friends, love and two people who just wanted to be married to each other more than they wanted a wedding.

Happily the bride decided against wedding hair and let it fall naturally down her back and that seemed to epitomise the whole mood-nothing overdone, nothing restrained , everything happening with ease. I have never been to a wedding with such warm and generous guests -the groom said that he felt surrounded by love -thats how he described his wedding day. I think that the guests were a true reflection of the two halves of this newly wed couple and covered all areas of each of their lives.

The simple, pure ceremony took place in a circle with the couple in the middle and the bride said that she loved every single special second of it-she was clearly relaxed, in the moment and able to take everything in.

We later returned to this same room to enjoy a fantastic Eastern inspired feast-with Bills Puddings for dessert! Then a Bhangra Band appeared and brought everyone together with their fantastic dancing and music.

Getting Married from the Inside Out is about preparing emotionally and mentally for the transition from being single to married AND about creating a wedding that is AUTHENTIC to who you are. This was absolutely an authentic wedding that expressed, reflected, represented, and captured the essence and intentions of the two people it involved. This wasn't about impressing guests, living out a fairytale, being the centre of attention or proving their status-this was about declaring their love,a desire to be united as a couple and celebration of life and its great events. Personally, I will remember this day always-I feel privileged to have been invited to witness it-the impact of this great day on the couple can only be positive and it will sit quietly between them as a familiar and reassuring bond for years and years to come. I'll put money on it!