No Cutting Edge

Wedding shows coming out of our ears. If they keep making them, people must be watching them. We are, it seems fascinated by every aspect of bridal drama known to man. The US channel-WE TV-stands for Womens Entertainment I believe, is showing reruns of Bridezillas,Weird Weddings, something delightfully entitled Bulging Brides also Rich Bride Poor Bride,Platinum Weddings, Culture Clash Weddings and the utterly riveting Celebrity Wedding Gowns. Over here we have new offerings of Blow the Budget Weddings, Pregnant Bride To Be and while BBC3 are avidly looking for couples to help plan their Perfect Wedding, Channel 4 are making a documentary about the changing role of the mother of the bride.

Not a week will pass without some kind of wedding show airing. Most reveal nothing new and barely get under the surface to explore the real stories and nitty gritty of what is going on.

The focus always is on the hysteria, the irrational behaviour-the aesthetics, the money, the stress-the chase for the perfect wow factor wedding. I long for them to show a different angle, another perspective, some depth.

Aside from BBC3's fantastic Don't Tell the Bride -where the tables were turned and the roles effectively reversed to produce something truly interesting-we have been given a staple and predictable offering of wedding shows that do no more than reflect the general attitude to and expectations of weddings today.

Numbers may be fluctuating-going down apparently but people are still doing it. Between 250 and 300,000 UK couples a year are getting married either here or abroad. Thousands, nay millions more are thinking about it, dreaming about it, willing and wishing it into their lives.

The production companies who make these shows are in a powerful position. They have a captive audience and a platform to break some new ground-present something more thought provoking, challenging, something that may inspire people to think about getting married and their wedding as something more than a commercial venture.

Of course, it is a grand celebration but getting married is also a major rite of passage, a transition from one phase to another-it's a potentially life changing life event and yet it's rarely approached or perceived in this way. Aside from becoming a parent-it is perhaps the biggest decision that we will make in out lives and so much is invested in that-our hopes, dreams, our faith and trust-the commitment-our desires -our vulnerability and putting ourselves on the line.

Why then, is it the shallow and commercial end of getting married that is repeatedly churned out in one garish package or another. Just because it makes predictably 'good TV'? These shows set the standard for people to follow. They breed more of the same in real life and change nothing. Enough already! Or at least give us something to balance it with-we can take it.

There is a great big gaping hole in the TV schedules for a wedding show for 21st Century. One that takes this multi-layered, fascinating subject and explores where it sits and how it can evolve in our modern world. One that looks at the whole concept of getting married and planing a wedding and instead of presenting a flimsy outer layer to ridicule, it presents something integral, of value and worth and treats it with dignity and respect. Gosh, you never know-that crazy notion may just catch on.

The Simple Life

I sense a shift. There's a headline in February's Marie Claire that says,'Goodbye Bling Hello Happiness. Why Simplicity is the New Luxury. I've always said, less is more. I love stylish understatement, the keep it simple philosophy-it makes life so much easier. Excess gives me a headache both to see it and experience it. Anything over embellished just turns me off-from a plate of food to celebrity 'bling'-I even dislike how that word sounds.

It's the same with weddings. The unnecessary overdressing of a venue, the tables, the bridesmaids!The over indulgence of wedding paraphernalia that brides especially feel they simply must have or it's not a wedding in the true sense of the word. Perhaps the simplicity idea will filter down and over lavish weddings will become unfashionable with people going for a more natural look and style -more cottage garden and barefoot on the beach than a big over sugared extravaganza with more props than a West End Musical.

No need to wait for simple weddings to become fashionable though-you can put the idea into practise now and feel the benefit immediately.

Take the plunge and strip your wedding back to basics and then include only the things that have some real meaning and connection to you, the things that are authentic for you.

Put the wedding magazines away for a while and create a vision for your wedding that comes from who you are and the things that you love and are passionate about. When you allow yourself some time away from all the influences of the wedding industry, you will begin to be able to hear yourself think.

Do you really need SO many flowers? Do the tables really need lavish centre-pieces? Do the chairs have to have organza sashes? Do you need favours, presents for every member of the wedding party, doves, ice sculptures, chocolate fountains, gold embossed invites, fancy toiletries in the ladies, a traditional, brand new wedding dress, veil, tiara-are these all things that you really, really want or are they things that you feel you should have? Are the gimmicks and themes threatening to obscure the purity of the idea at the centre of all this-your heartfelt desire and public commitment to one another?

Keep it simple-less is more is perhaps one of the most helpful things that you can say to yourself while planning your wedding. And always, actually. You will not believe how much lighter you can feel when the weight of all those 'must haves' is lifted. When your list of things to do is cut by half and your whole vision for your wedding becomes uncluttered, you will have some clarity, a balanced perspective and some time to think about preparing yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually-from the Inside Out -to be married.

To Wed or Not to Wed, That is the Question

No comment!, originally uploaded by Roger B..

From The Times
January 23, 2008

'Living together is just as good as being married, even when it comes to bringing up children, British people now believe.

Fewer than a fifth of people think there is much difference between being married or living together and more than half say that weddings are more about celebration than life-long commitment.

Only 28 per cent think married couples make better parents than unmarried pairs.
Research also discovered that most people think divorce is a normal part of life, with two thirds saying that it can be “a positive step towards a new life”.

Even when children are involved divorce is no longer seen as a disaster, with 78 per cent saying the end of a marriage in itself does not harm children, although conflict between parents does.

The number of Britons choosing to get married fell to the lowest level in 111 years in 2005, when only 244,000 weddings took place.

The last 20 years had brought a dramatic liberalisation of attitudes towards family life.

Family campaigners said they were disappointed that the public thought cohabiting and marriage were the same.

Harry Benson, head of the Bristol Community Family Trust, said: “The findings are not surprising. It is socially acceptable to live together, the government says it doesn’t matter if you are married or not. From the outside if looks the same whether you are married or not.

I'm constantly involved in debate of whether marriage is an outdated institution or not and whether it even has any relevance to today's modern woman.

It is a worthy, interesting and necessary discussion. Times have changed dramatically. Our roles in life are different to how they were even twenty years ago let alone in the 50's and 60's. Our expectations are far reaching, our dreams and desires know no bounds and today anything is possible. It's easy to see why, to some, the idea of marriage may seem safe, boring, uneccessary and well, a bit passe. Many are confused as to how it fits into our society.

So, the general structure of marriage must move with the times-it must evolve or it will be left behind, unable to work effectively in our fast moving modern world. It is not what it was and neither should it be but a more contemporary approach, attitude and understanding of the idea of marriage can work.

At the centre of it all, we as human beings still have the same desires, the same basic needs and the traditional core values in life still have a central place. It's possible to combine that with some new ideas, a less rigid structure, a set up that suits the 21st Century man and woman, giving them both the opportunity, freedom and encouragement to be who they are as individuals as well as a married couple.

It's true-there's not enough thought, contemplation or preparation put into a high percentage of todays new marriages. It's all about the wedding-the great big wonderful wedding and while the lure of that is obvious, nothing great was ever built on hot air.

Marriage is not, has never been, for everyone but I do believe that there is a real place for it and presented in a different, more relevant, meaningful light, it can grab the attention of those who are dismissing it without a thought and change the approach, attitude and perception of those whose thoughts have not ventured beyond their wedding day.

Love that Rocky Road!

The biggest thing that I am noticing from coaching brides to be is that they all share a vision of planning their wedding while nothing else is going on in their life. They picture a stretch of six to twelve months where they can devote their time idyllically creating their special day and, naturally become resentful when that is clearly not their reality.

All the clichés, 'life happens', 'life goes on'-even 'shit happens' (sorry mum) are so true. There is no period of time where there is just nothing is going down , even if it isn't directly happening to you it will be within your immediate circle of family and friends.

The challenge lies in dealing with it. The problems, the obstacles, the devastating news of terminal illness, death in the family, break ups, divorce, birth of triplets to steal your thunder, job loss, infidelity, feuding families, friends emigrating, the events of life in all their glory will arrive on your doorstep and cause you to struggle in retaining the joy and enthusiasm for preparing and planning for your wedding.

If you take that as a given, be prepared to accept what comes your way, embrace it as part of life's rich tapestry and know that deep within and around you have all the resources you need to deal with it-you will not be defeated. In fact, you'll emerge stronger, wiser, more confident and even more equipped to deal with the world. By the time your wedding day arrives, you will have grown and developed and you can take what you have learned into married life.

In the end, having it easy's not all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes, internal struggle, emotional upheaval and triumphing in the face of adversity, reap the greatest rewards. It all depends on your attitude and your perception of things-the princess can be a warrior too you know!