Lend Me Your Ears

I'm thinking about my speech-as 'best woman' this saturday. I love wedding speeches -I think that they are fascinating and revealing -one of my favourite parts of the day after the ceremony and vows and I really don't understand when people say they find them boring. Sure, some are good and others not so. We see nerves, dodgy material, bad timing but still I find them riveting and moving. The act of giving a speech is a generous gift and it deserves respect however adept and confident the giver is.

Perhaps it's because I'm a coach and it's my job to really listen to people-not just what they say but how they say it and crucially what they don't say. I observe body language, posture, gesture, speech patterns, language and tone. Anything that you give time to in this way, looking beyond the surface becomes thoroughly absorbing-layers of information revealing what and who is within.

Anyway, I would never buy a book about speech-making because I really don't want to know that much about it-sometimes too much information is a dangerous thing-it's like having an overload of advice-it fills your head so you don't know which way to turn and kills your ability to just do what comes naturally.

So, I appreciated this snappy article about wedding speech-making written by barrister, after dinner speaker and comedy writer, Clive Coleman. It told me all I wanted to know and gave me the confidence to go ahead and just do what feels right to me. For those who do want more help-there are endless books available as well as helpful professionals like Paul Chronnell also known as the Speech Maker, who can help you craft your speech and coach you on the presenting front as well.

I have been inspired by Marianne Williamson who writes in her book, A Return to Love, about walking out on stage and speaking to hundreds of people. Instead of taking the stance that she needs to impress people and make them feel that she is special, she instead just talks to friends, casually with enthusiasm and so there is no pressure and nothing else to do but relax and enjoy it.

I find that liberating and that's what i'll be doing on Saturday-not to hundreds of people-just about sixty of them. I'll talk to a room full of friends, casually with enthusiasm about my very great friend Amanda and what she means to me. There's no need to impress and nothing for me to do but relax.

Public speaking's never gonna be the same again!

Oh What a Night!

Last weekend I was involved in the most fantastic-for want of a much better word, 'hen' night.

My great friend, Amanda is getting married on 31st May and I am to be her best woman. Nine of us met in the private room of a french restaurant off Oxford Street in London and with not a set of bunny ears in sight, we shared six joyful hours together.

The room was booked from 7 till 10 but at 1am they were politely thrusting the bill under our noses. Yes, we drank. Some champagne, then simple white wine but it wasn't that. This was a magnetic group of women: a childhood school friend, two younger sisters, three work colleagues who were actually far more significant in her life than just that, another glorious friend who had featured in her life at various points- and me.
I had asked each to bring along some music that was representative of a time they shared with Amanda or that reflected her essence and so, we created a kind of soundtrack for the evening.

We had everything from Liza Minelli in Cabaret to Paul Weller & The Jam, The Turtles to the Scissor Sisters, David Essex, David Cassidy and Katherine Williams ,French Cafe Music and Seventies Soul. Each offering was connected to a story and evocative memories of special times. There were gifts too in the form of personal words, poems , cards and a treasured hat from the seventies covered with 70's badges that Amanda thought had gone long ago. It's appearance at the hands of little sister Emma who had held on to it in secret for about 25 years, brought squeals of delight and disbelief and as each sister told their big sister what she meant to them, an emotional wave hit us all.

As the night grew dark, we lit the candles, talked at depth, laughed hysterically, danced, sang and opened little presents from a goody bag supplied by Sian who generously put some of her perks for working at Marie Claire to great use.

We felt close. There was warmth, openess and camaraderie. We all shared something that night including our love for our friend Amanda which was what had brought us together in the first place .

A few days earlier someone had asked me what I thought a hen night was all about and I said I think it's different things to different people. For me, it was a very necessary and powerful part of my rite of passage-part of the process of change and transition from single to married. A hen night is steeped in tradition and it has a reassuring and comforting ritual about it. Each individual will have a different idea of how they want theirs to be and what elements they need to feel it was successful.

Naturally, the idea of 'the last night of freedom' has been devoured by the commercial world of wedding planning and hen night paraphernalia is big business. Indeed, there is a whole industry dedicated to arranging Stag and Hen packages. The outfits, L plates and and drunken skulduggery that epitomise the majority of hen nights seem to slightly miss the point. Instead of being alive, conscious and aware-there seems to be a group intent to to slide into the unconscious, downing enough tequila and flaming sambuca to drown a hippo. For some, the last night of freedom seems to be more akin to the last night alive on earth.

I may be wrong but I do feel this is so much the British way and find it hard to imagine that a group of Spanish girls on a despedida de soltera or french women sharing a soiree entre filles will 'celebrate' in quite the same kamikaze fashion as us emotionally repressed brits on a hen. (I welcome comments here.)

So, while we have to contend with the tacky image that is associated with hen nights-I think that they are an integral step in this rite of passage. They are valuable and necessary and would encourage anyone considering not having one to think again. It's very much about honouring and recognising how your life is developing and taking stock of where you have been and where you are going. It's a fine opportunity to celebrate, to love and live vibrantly, joyously and wildly in the moment with the significant women in your life.

Do it , by all means -do it to the max -but, as with all aspects of Getting Married from the Inside Out-make it authentic and do it in a way that is aligned with all that you are and it will make it's impact and stay with you...forever.

Wedding Crime Numero Uno!

A few months ago, I found myself in the middle of a should they , shouldn't they debate on one of the wedding forums. I sometimes read them to keep up with what's going on in the mainstream wedding arena and occasionally feel compelled to respond to certain issues. Like the odd rule of not wearing white out of respect for the bride.

Right. I understand the basis of this-it's just that these rules get taken too, too seriously. This one just fuels the whole bridal ego thing-it's MY day.... I'm the centre of attention and I don't want anyone to spoil that/take the limelight from ME, ME, ME . Selfish, closed and mean spirited and the wrong road to take if you want to be shining like a beacon on your wedding day.

Of course the wedding is about the couple getting married. They just are the centre of attention, without even doing anything. Generally people are there to share love and give support to the two people who are making this commitment to each other. If someone chooses to wear light coloured clothes or even a white dress, does it have to mean that they are disrespecting the bride? Maybe they just found something that they really liked and wanted to wear to the wedding without any thoughts of upstaging the bride. Yet, I hear stories of these innocent people being talked about as if they are witches who deserve to be burned at the stake and devoured at the wedding feast by baying guests.

Jeez! You think I'm exaggerating? You want to read some of these forum posts. People are so tightly bound by rules and etiquette that they have lost all reasonable judgement and their sense of joy and freedom. In the grand scale of things why does it matter?

My point was, it matters only to the bride who is not focused and engaged in what she is doing. The bride that is concentrating on the aesthetics of the day and other peoples behaviour isn't attending to herself. She is allowing outside activity to affect her and take her way off course-in other words losing perspective of what is important and why the day is even happening at all.

When you recall your memories of your wedding day in years to come-what do you hope to remember? Your feeling on the day, your intention, your partners face as you stood with him/her during your ceremony. Will you remember your vows and your inability to stop smiling? Will you remember how confident and proud you were, how radiant you felt and the warmth and softness of your first kiss as a married couple?

Or, will you look back and think -oh yes, Aunty Miranda wore a white dress with a big white hat-what a COW-she completely ruined MY day! Your choice.....