A few months ago, I found myself in the middle of a should they , shouldn't they debate on one of the wedding forums. I sometimes read them to keep up with what's going on in the mainstream wedding arena and occasionally feel compelled to respond to certain issues. Like the odd rule of not wearing white out of respect for the bride.
Right. I understand the basis of this-it's just that these rules get taken too, too seriously. This one just fuels the whole bridal ego thing-it's MY day.... I'm the centre of attention and I don't want anyone to spoil that/take the limelight from ME, ME, ME . Selfish, closed and mean spirited and the wrong road to take if you want to be shining like a beacon on your wedding day.
Of course the wedding is about the couple getting married. They just are the centre of attention, without even doing anything. Generally people are there to share love and give support to the two people who are making this commitment to each other. If someone chooses to wear light coloured clothes or even a white dress, does it have to mean that they are disrespecting the bride? Maybe they just found something that they really liked and wanted to wear to the wedding without any thoughts of upstaging the bride. Yet, I hear stories of these innocent people being talked about as if they are witches who deserve to be burned at the stake and devoured at the wedding feast by baying guests.
Jeez! You think I'm exaggerating? You want to read some of these forum posts. People are so tightly bound by rules and etiquette that they have lost all reasonable judgement and their sense of joy and freedom. In the grand scale of things why does it matter?
My point was, it matters only to the bride who is not focused and engaged in what she is doing. The bride that is concentrating on the aesthetics of the day and other peoples behaviour isn't attending to herself. She is allowing outside activity to affect her and take her way off course-in other words losing perspective of what is important and why the day is even happening at all.
When you recall your memories of your wedding day in years to come-what do you hope to remember? Your feeling on the day, your intention, your partners face as you stood with him/her during your ceremony. Will you remember your vows and your inability to stop smiling? Will you remember how confident and proud you were, how radiant you felt and the warmth and softness of your first kiss as a married couple?
Or, will you look back and think -oh yes, Aunty Miranda wore a white dress with a big white hat-what a COW-she completely ruined MY day! Your choice.....
4 comments:
My feeling on that is that it's something the guest should be more sensitive about than the bride and groom. Try to remember not to wear unrelieved black or white...but as you say, any bride primarily focused on what a random guest is wearing needs to reapportion her attention.
That said, I was really furious with my sister-in-law's mother when she deliberately chose to wear a long, lacy white dress to her daughter's wedding and scowl viciously in every photograph. That one was meant, and it was cruel.
I was also really touched when a friend of mine who always, always wears black chose to wear forest green instead to my wedding because she was sensitive to the fact that I'm still one of those people who considers black a signal of mourning. I didn't ask her to wear anything out of the ordinary, and I wouldn't have been offended had she chosen to wear black...but I've never forgotten how thoughtful she was. It meant a lot to me.
OK scowling into wedding photos is mean and wearing a bride like dress is slightly warped but I can't help but think that the few people who behave in this way are not really OK. They feel bad inside, so they behave badly.The person who is missing a generosity of spirit at this time is missing out in a big way. We get pleasure from feeling happiness for and love towards others-it's a good feeling and the person who denies themselves that is suffering-especially when it's her own daughter. Bad behaviour agreed but that's not the norm is it?
And yes, consideration for the bride-is just a human thing isn't it? Pleasing and supporting our friends and family in the best possible way-like your friend did for you. In two weeks my best friend is getting married in black and I too often wear black but I won't be doing on her wedding day. It's the obsession with rules that bothers me-i see that they create problems and a sometimes unfriendly arena. I'm asking people to lighten up, get down to earth-open warm and kind and trust that mostly their guests intentions are good.
By the way, I forgot to than you Twistie for your always interesting comments. Much appreciated and always welcome...
I absolutely agree that most people who choose to wear black or white to a wedding aren't grinding an axe at the bride and groom. My sister-in-law's mother was definitely behaving in a warped and unpleasant way about the whole thing.
The amusing thing is, people get this idea that etiquette requires all sorts of strange restrictions on what guests can wear to a wedding, and that it somehow requires the bride and groom to stress over who has broken what rule. In reality, etiquette says to be sensitive to the cultural meanings of color (don't wear the color associated with mourning, don't wear the same color the bride is expected to wear), BUT would also council any bride and groom to assume that a guest's choice to wear one of those colors as an innocent mistake and entiely fail to comment on it.
So many of the people who get their knickers in a twist about etiquette rules are the ones who understand them the least.
And no, that's not directed at you, Lesley. You're offering a rational, and terribly polite, view. It's just frustrating sometimes seeing all the horrible behavior people try to insist is required by etiquette.
Thanks for giving me another intelligent venue to discuss weddings in, Lesley! I enjoy your writings tremendously.
Oh, and have fun at your friend's wedding! I'm sure she'll be a lovely bride.
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