What Not to Buy

OK. The world economy is in crisis. People are losing their jobs and homes and we are all having to think twice, tighten our belts and get by in a more thoughtful, resourceful and much less extravagent manner than before.

So, what does your already cash strapped bride and groom really, really not need? Yes, an expensively packaged survival kit full of basics that they already have and things that they are unlikely to ever need. But, Frit Fru Wedding Planners in Calgary have come up with some anyway and they truly are a cornucoppia of things that will only serve to overload your mind even more.

The Wedding Day Survival Kit is supposed to 'Keep the bride smiling all day long by giving her the gift of peace of mind.' It's list of 30 items includes toothbrush, toothpaste, dental floss, antacid, facial tissues, static remover(?) and The Grooms Survival Kit -'He may be manly, but he's not immune to last-minute catastrophes,' includes a styptic pencil (obviously) lint remover, adhesive bandages, and wrinkle remover(genius).

We all know that bad publicity is better than none at all and in linking to the site, I will probably alert the attention of a bride or two who decides that they must have one. I'm telling you-ya don't need it! It's all very well being prepared for any eventuality but in this situation it creates hysteria and anxiety about all the things that could, in your head, go wrong.

This is all presented in a humorous, tongue in cheek kind of way so that you feel like you are having a bit of fun while still be practical and organised. It's clever and likeable but resist being reeled in. This is the commercial world of wedding planning dazzling you and stripping you of your common sense. I'm here to save you! If something does go'wrong' you can improvise and bet your bottom dollar that somebody around you will be able to help admirably.

While the wedding industry keeps on sending the message to buy, buy, buy, I will continue with my message to not, not not. In these frugal times , especially, Keep It Simple-strip it back to basics and you will be pleasantly surprised not just by how much money you can save but by how unencumbered and liberated you feel!

Love Alone Is Not Enough

Yesterday, October 21st was our 8th wedding anniversary and it is true to say that it was a difficult day. It would be easier to gloss over things and report that the day was filled with fun, laughter and celebration but that would be a fabrication and nothing short of hypocritical considering that my entire business premise rests on authenticity and being true to oneself.

To put it simply, we are quite different to each other. Our outlook on life, expectations and perception of the world that we live in is often way out of tune. My glass is always, at the very least half full and Gary's is ...yes, that cliche. I love life and all that it has to offer and Gary, with his poetic bent and artistic talent and temperament is consumed with all that is wrong with our world. We exist and experience life in a most polarised fashion and it is makes harmony and compatability difficult to attain.

I love him and he loves me and, we love our son who, in turn loves both of us. We are a family and this makes it even tougher to admit that below the surafce, there is serious dissatisfaction. Eight years into our marriage and 21 years after we first had a secret date, our future together is not assured.

I am relieved to have the courage to confront the truth which means that we can attempt to deal with it. It is out in the open. We are not putting a band aid over it and hoping that it will just heal itself. It won't.

I'm sure this situation is not just my reality but an echo of many marriages especially of those unions that cross two or three decades because we change, do we not. Individually and together. That is why the promise of being with one person, forever is an almighty comittment and one that needs more consideration then it is given. I believe that the best that you can do is have honourable intention and the wisdom to live each day as honestly and truthfully as you can. Use your marriage to nurture your friendship with each other, practise acceptance and exercise non judgement. That will all lead you to somewhere worth being, somewhere positive.

My wedding vows come back to me, over and over again. I have always stressed their importance and the need to really connect with the words and draw them into your body. Mine had a profound effect on me on the day and they still do. I said.... ''I'll be true to you as I will to myself and never, intentionally hurt you... I promise to endeavour to be the best I can both as a person and as your wife....''

I chose my vows very carefully and resisted being carried away on the fairytale element of a wedding day because I wanted the significance of the day to be a strong foundation of our life together -and it has been. I continue to strive to uphold my vows and that is why we are here.

Our 8th Anniversary turned out Ok. It was loaded with emotion, punctuated with searing poignancy and as always, where my husband is concerned, not without humour. I bought Gary a book about surviving life and he cooked us dinner which we ate by candlelight... with our 4 year old, who insisted that he was hungry and should be involved. That night he learned the meaning of the verb to gatecrash.

The Name Game

The nuptial journey decision to keep your name, change your name, double barrel or merge your names is causing quite a dilemma. Unless you are an uncomplicated, traditional type of which there are dwindling numbers, then you will be wrestling with letting go of your single name especially if you are more mature. There are forum debates galore about it where the feminist inclined voices say strongly and clearly, No! This is my name and I'm keeping it .FOREVER!

How do you decide what's right for you? Is keeping your name a bit like keeping one foot firmly in your single life and then are you truly committing as much as you can? Or, is that a very simplistic view that undermines female equality. Is our world now just too contemporary that taking the mans name seems archaic, an outdated, chauvinistic leaning that only men in the deepest , darkest north of England have?

Well, I'm an independent sort of girl but rather liked taking my husbands name. It was the kind of change that I needed to make me realise that I really was married. It was fresh and new and different. I still use use my single name of Stratton and both names as a writer and coach. But my family name is Hughes. I'm all of them-happily.

In deciding I think that it's necessary to delve and work out how deep the name identity goes for you. What are your values, your morals and your attitude to being married? How do different names affect the children-if at all? Or, if you go for the double (barrel) how does that work out in the future when Chloe Sefton -Webb wants to unite with Thomas Holby- Derbyshire. What on earth will they do? It's a very real problem looking at the names of kids in schools these days there's more double barrels than at the average polo match. The local comp has gone all aristocratic and though it sounds quite natty and creative -it's not very practical. It will be a nightmare to trace lineage. And right there is a very sound and sensible reason for taking the blokes name-if only for family purposes. And to that people will say well why not the womans name-to which I answer -why not the blokes-it's traditional, quite romantic, what's the problem with it? Keep it simple.

Freedom to choose is good-yes it is , we all deserve it and we need to do what is true for us. It's just that I think given the chance, some people are prone to making a big fuss and drama about that which they are not really too bothered about just to be noticed that little bit more. I also think that some are resisting the so called less glamorous side of being married. Mrs to some isn't very sexy sounding but it will be what you make it. Take Mrs. Robinson, for example...

A Fools Paradise

I'm in a rebellious phase. I cannot see the point of buying ridiculously expensive clothes-even new clothes. I'm getting much more pleasure from retro shops and car boot sales. I have no interest at all in designer names and labels unless they are big old bargains and terriffic value. Of course, I know that generally the material is good, wears well and mostly the craftmanship is superior but I do think that the prices are so over inflated for people with too much money and little sense. Exclusive they may be but that doesn't always mean tasteful or stylish.

So news of the Designer Wedding Show at Battersea next week caused a big, involuntary sigh from me but then further reading that the average budget of a visiting bride to such an event is around £89,000 made me feel, well frankly... SICK. Yes, I felt nauseous reading that.

We are in a strange time, where excess and waste seem to be out of place yet some people in different spheres will carry on as normal and believe that spending huge amouts of money equates with happiness and style.

Don't be misled. There is no need to spend such vast amounts of money-in fact it's positively foolish and the chances are that the significance of the day for these brides will get rather dwarfed by the cut of the jib on the haute couture and making sure that each and every guest is suitably impressed by the lavish vittles on offer.

The words exclusive, couture, 'celebrity' florist make my eyes glaze over. I couldn't be less interested. I love art, creativity and originality but I want it to be for everyone , for the people, withour any snobbery attached and I find lack of funds and resourcefulness far more creatively exciting. I 've said it before. Give me a low budget film against a block buster any day. I love what's real and true and raw and feel mildly entertained but unmoved by anything that is overstyled with too much money thrown at it.

Wedding s are just the same. Keep it simple, sane, honest and true and work with a budget that's comfortable for you. Never mind haute couture, that's haute wisdom...

Just Doing Your Thing

The best thing about coaching and running workshops is when you can see that you are making a positive difference to someones experience and helping them to get the most out of this time in their life.

I believe, completely, that the way that getting married and planning a wedding is presented by the media has a negative impact on most people. It appears to be daunting and overwheming and unneccessarily expensive. So many people end up in debt, anxious, feuding and the real reason for getting married gets lost in a sea of stress and confusion.

Yesterday I had a phone call from a couple who had been on my 'Creating an Authentic Wedding' workshop and they told me that the greatest thing that they took away from the afternoon was that plannning their wedding was a real privilage that they deserved to enjoy. From that day they relaxed, took their time and great pleasure in every little decision that they made together while also having fun being creative. Also, being environmentally and ethically aware their wedding completely honoured their values and was as green as they were able to make it so it fulfilled them on lots of levels and others benefitted too.

It's not rocket science just a nudge to let the commercial aspect go and come back to yourself. Express yourself, reflect what's true for you and put together something original and authentic. The rewards of that are great and letting go of the wedding template is a big relief. Getting married doesn't, repeat DOESN'T have to be stressful. It can be the most memorable, rewarding time-if you will allow it to be!

the spirit of london-the spirit of you

I've been wanting to write this post since then end of the Olympics which illustrates that though I am a life coach I still carry ideas around with me without always executing them-it's so very irritating.

Anyway, the point is still valid though not quite so topical as it was. Despite the political angle of the Beijing Olympics throwing a definite shadow over the occasion, it was for little GB, a fabulous, memorable success for individuals, team and country. It was just what we needed-a fortifying tonic, a potent injection of hope and positivity and great ray of sunshine casting light over a country that feels as if it has lost much of what we believed was GREAT about it. For three weeks we felt pride, unity and a just a little bit great again. That is the power of sport, of personal endeavour and team spirit, of ambition and achievement and sheer will to succeed whatever the set backs and limited resources.

God, it was emotional, inspiring and addictive -every day tuning in to hear the stories behind the success and watch as we won medal after medal. I swear that for those three weeks, the majority of Great Britain felt happy-millions were affected and influenced by it and that is why the government must put more money into sport because of what it can do for the country. Proof too, that the political issues can be pushed aside while we concentrate on what is magical about life -and despite our world troubles, we see countries come together, compete against each other and respect and congratulate each other. Hopeful, heartwarming and harmonious in spirit. Sport is a great, great leveller and religion, sadly is the separator.

China spent £22 billion on a superlative extravaganza-and London has to follow that. We have a budget of £9.3 billion and so, clearly it's going to be a vey different kind of games. And so it should be. We are a very different country and culture with our own history and individual identity and quirks and the job of hosting the games to the world will I hope, prompt us to look within and re-assess just what we have to offer, who we are, where we came from and what we feel represents and reflects who we are at the core. It could be a very significant exercise for us. Just what will the Olympic Journey reveal and how may it affect and change us a nation?

It has the same parallel as anyone getting married. Each person is an individual, with their own story and personality and there is no need to live up to others expectations, do what is expected or please or impress anyone.

No matter what the budget, you just need to do your thing and be proud of it. You alone are great, beautiful and good enough. You don't need gimmicks or show stopping accessories-the best that you can do is be honest and true to yourself and bring all that you truly are to your wedding day. There is no need to be perfect-like China thought they needed to be when they swapped a less cute little girl who sang the opening ceremony song for a more aesthetically pleasing one who mimed along to the original little girl. Despite all they spent and all the effort they put in-right there they got it wrong. They thought they needed to present something perfect when all they needed to do was give us what was real.

The London Olympics will do what it can with the money that they have and deliver something that represents the changing face of Great Britain and you, as you face your own, major life event can enjoy looking within yourself and put together a wedding that is quintessentially you.

And, if you aren't sure where to start or how to go about it, that's why I'm here!

A Very Authentic Wedding

On 21st october 2000 -Gary and I got married at Portmeirion in North Wales-it was, as anyone who has visited visited my website will know-the most fantastic, unforgettable, unique day. Portmeirion alone is a special place. It's where the cult 60's series The Prisoner was filmed and it stands amidst mountains on a stunning estuary. It's a fairytale village made up of buildings brought from all over the world-buildings and pieces of architecture that would otherwise have been demolished, brought to this Welsh beauty spot to create something magical.




We hadn't been back there since our wedding day and last week we visited with Gary's parents and Louie, our 4 year old. It's a strange feeling returning to the place where you were married. I didn't expect such a strong reaction. I felt elated-uplifted and goose-bumpy as the second most profound, memorable day of my life-(superceded only by the day that Louie arrived)came flooding back into my heart and my mind.

The greatest thing of all was the fact that we are still married and despite all that we have been through, we love each other completely -perhaps for me-more openly and confidently than ever . Gary agreed that it was moving, being there, with our son, reliving the memory and feeling that our day had been real. We realised that it was what we had thought it was-a genuine desire on both our parts to be married to each other.

I always say that I felt proud on our wedding day, a definite sense of achievement during the ceremony especially and still I feel that. The power of those wedding vows cannot be underestimated. If you let them in, they sit within you and influence you forever I think. Perhaps, at times dormant but always there ready to resurface when you most need them, there to prick your conscience when you forget to honour them.

It's a trip to go back there-to that place where married life took it's first ever steps and to see how far you have come. It just sealed my belief that the act of getting married is a most worthwhile one. Even today with all the negative press that it receives, where some struggle to find it's meaning and point in our contemporary world-I continue to promote and champion it as something that can be believed in and with the right attitude it can have the most positive impact on your experience of life. Honestly, I'm surrounded by too much proof of that, to think any differently.

I suppose too, that this little story just reinforces what I always say: Get married and have your wedding in a venue that you LOVE, somewhere that you feel somehow connected or that has a special place in your heart because it adds to your enjoyment of the day and the depth and significance of the memory that you are left with.

The more that you can connect with your wedding day the better-it all makes it harder to walk away from in the future and realistically, there will be times when you need to draw on that.

It's good to TAWC!

Me and my friend Katie from Ethical Weddings and my newer friend Lou, an ethical stylist are running a new support group for brides called 'tawc'-The Authentic Wedding Connection.That's Katie on the left with the hat and Lou's looking cute in green. We wanted to create a real life community for like minded brides to get together and share their wedding journey experience because we all know how lonely it can be when it gets a bit tough and there are many, many brides who just don't feel like they can relate to the more conventional online wedding forums.

So tawc is for those who want a more personal experience of getting married and planning their wedding. One that honours their values and is honestly aligned with who they are as people rather than one that ticks all the boxes of a big budget extravaganza. Of course, our ethical girls will be showing how easy it is to be just a little bit greener,more thoughtful and conscious of the community and the environment and I will be there to coach and support on the emotional issues of getting married.

We invite brides to come and share their stories, their ups and downs and swap their ideas and we will also ask different suppliers and services to come in and share their knowledge and expertise. All in all it will be relaxed, friendly and fun and a special little sanctuary for brides to be really upront and honest about what they are experiencing.

The first meeting is on Monday 15th September in Brighton and it's FREE! We'll hold a meeting once a month and eventually we hope to have tawc pods all over the country. If you fancy it you can sign up here or contact me or if you aren't local to Brighton but are interested in the idea call me for a chat about it. The brides revolution starts here!

Sweet & Low-Your Fabulous Small Budget Wedding

Oh I'm so bored of the daily stories about credit crunch brides having to compromise on their fairytale jamboree and all those couples cancelling until they can afford what they had always dreamed of. Their woe and despair is captured by the media to illustrate the severity of the economic downturn exagerrating the situation and making those in the wedding loop feel it's the end of the world.

Well, in this arena I think that financial constraint is not such a bad thing at all. It will take the pressure of some couples who feel that they have to wow the crowds to keep up with everyone else. Now it's a case of spending what you can afford and that's a very comfortable, sensible thing. It's time for compromise, creativity, thought, resourcefulness-all things that normally go right out the window when wedding madness takes over.

I welcome this and think it could be just what some couples need to make them have a good old think about what they are doing and what really matters to them.

I say go with the flow. Accept it-embrace it and turn the situation to your adavatage. It's not an obstacle but an opportunity to put together a wedding of real depth and significance. Here are some of my top suggestions to help you cut the cost and love doing it at the same time.

1. Marry midweek
2. Have the ceremony and reception/celebration in the same place-so much less fuss
3. Revisit and revise your original guest list-who do you REALLY want to be there?
4. Buy retro/ charity/ebay for clothes and accessories-do you have to be in white-be vivacious!
5. Round up friends and family and use their talent and skills for photography/filming, music both live and DJ, catering, flowers, designing skills, organisational skills
6. Use local, in season flowers and produce
7. Use alternaive transport like buses, bikes, on foot, friends cars-how funky can you be?
8. Adopt less is more attitude-no need to over do decs and flowers or include all that conventional wedding paraphernalia
9. Do you really need to buy all these wedding party presents that have become de rigeur?
10. Do you really need to have an engagement ring? Buy a special ring later into your marriage.

Think grass roots, home grown , homemade -HEART and SOUL-it'll make you feel sooo GOOD!!

Ain't Misbehaving

What's one of the most common things that brides to be fret about? Besides being too fat, tripping up or not being able to speak because of nerves. Yes, the guests. Will they behave themselves? Will families get on with each other or friends complain about being sat so far away they are almost in another room. Will great grandma be rude/fall asleep/get drunk and aunty Mona embarass everyone by flirting widly with the best man and try and seduce him in the toilets. How many of these ridiculous scenarios play over and over in the mind of those on the nuptial parapet and torment them unneccessarily so that their stress levels zoom off the scale.

A session coaching with me would soon eliminate all of that! We can't control other peoples behaviour can we? Not really-not en masse. Nor should we wish too. Once you come around to letting go of control and allow things to develop naturally, life becomes much simpler and much more enjoyable.

On your wedding day, you are going to have to place some trust in your guests and believe that, on the whole they are all there for you to support you and celeberate with you. Nobody has turned up to sabotage your day but at the end of it-the day that is-people are human and will make mistakes. That's just life and what makes it fun, enjoyable, unpredicatable and worth living.

Your wedding doesn't need to be perfect-it needs to be rich and real and full of meaning. The happenings of the day add personality and colour and you will have the best time if you just go with the flow, open your mind, open your heart, open your arms and embrace it all as your wonderful, imperfect, unforgettable day.

Like Nothing on Earth

If you really do want a wedding that's out of this world then if you have 1.1million to spare you can literally have it. A Japanese company called First Advantage has teamed up with American aerospace firm Rocketplane to offer the first space weddings.

If you dream of saying your vows while orbiting the earth, 100km up in the sky, you can sign up now for the first voyages which will begin in 2011. Time to start saving!

Personally, I prefer something a little bit more down to earth, with my feet on the ground-in every sense. Wedding vows are hard enough to grasp and fully take in at the best of times. What chance do you have of fully being in the moment with all that going on. And, won't the wedding party be just a little bit distracted knowing that they can glance out the window and get a bird's eye view of our beautiful world below them.

I think it's a great idea -I do, but there is a very real danger of the wedding ceremony being eclipsed by the actual trip into space-know what I mean? Why not save such mind blowing adventure until the honeymoon stage or at least the wedding equivalent of the after party.

Certainly doesn't agree with my keep it simple mantra does it?!

Bloomin' Lovely!

There's poppies in my front garden. Wild, crepe paper- like, dark sugar pink with purple centres. Just one plant - in the corner, catches my eye as soon as I come out of our front door and again when I return. I mention it because the individual flowers that come and go in a day are simply beautiful and having them there just makes me love life.

Flowers do that don't they? If you look at them long enough-they kind of blow your mind with their natural beauty and the point here is that there doesn't need to be bountiful amounts of them to make an impact.

Each season presents a different offering. Hues and scents that evoke memories of balmy summer evenings or crisp spring mornings and there's something for everyone for every personality and style.

Choosing the flowers for your wedding is exciting because you can identify your unique character with them and include memories from your life too. There is no need to over indulge, to spend too much or try to impress by having hundreds-in some cases thousands of pounds worth of blooms that will only have the effect of being overdone-overdressed, over embellished on the floral front. For some reason massive dispays of flowers are just not heart warming -it's like they aren't real-they don't touch you. Whereas single stems, rustic bunches, or dramtic combinations of two or three colours/types will add another soul-lifting dimension to your wedding that will positively affect everyone.

Choose local, if poss- in season and use a scent, colour and variety that draws something from you. Use your wedding flowers to capture your essence and complement the spirit of the day. Just another reason to delve below the surface and discover more about your individual self so that you can be even more authentic, artistic, creative. Just another way to break with the formula prescribed by the wedding industry and instead of being a stepford bride with your generic wedding flowers, you can really, honestly truly be a bride that gets married from the inside out!

The Cloning of a Bride

There's no excuse. It's three weeks since I posted and though in my head I have had plenty to say-i haven't made enough time to commit it to blog. I feel most dissatisfied about that. Having said that-the mother board on my PC finally threw the towel in-it was over ten years old-and it took some time to deal with the shennaningans that ensued. The pay off is a new, shiny, faster model that is making life so much easier.
Today I was taken by another inane article that appered in the Daily Mail entitled Bridal Beauty Tips.

I would love to know if anyone finds these things helpful or if they are simply there to pad out the paper. Here we go: Apparently some brides will go to great lengths to look amazing on their wedding day by having dental work, breast implants, liposuction etc but really, says the article, all you need to do is keep it simple and relax.

1. Don't look too orange-go easy on the fake tan and put your make-up on in natural light

2. Get a good nights sleep-duh!

3. Don't get stressed-it causes spots and greasy skin-use peppermint tea as a toner

4. Keep it natural-your hair that is -down and tonged is suggested-washed well in advance

5. Keep it in place-your veil that is-with grips instead of a veil comb and make sure your hairpiece actually matches the colour of your hair(or it will look rubbish on the photos)

6. Don't have dead ends-cut them off a week before-also ask bridesmaid or similar to carry shine spray with her to refresh you throughout day and night. Honest-it says that.

7.Practise your make-up beforehand. Take photos of it. On the day use a primer and custom blended foundation with extra coverage for photos... and powder on top of that.

Well, it's no wonder that brides get so anxious and stressed with all this fussy, uneccessary palavering. Hairdressers and make up artists -layers of foundation and endless top up spray. Fake tan and hairpieces-why hairpieces? What is with brides and hairpieces?

I agree with keep it simple and relax. Wholeheartedly. But this is not what this piece is about. Just reading it makes me on edge .Firstly the condescending tone of it which is more suitable for teenage readers than intelligent women reading the Daily Mail -and the feeling that it invokes of-there's just so much to think about.

Yes,keep it simple-strip it back to basics. True bridal beauty comes from within. Prepare yourself mentally and emotionally and be your wholesome, natural self on the day-with light make-up -hair that suits you that you feel comfortable with and a clear, calm mind that allows you to be in the moment. You will never have been more radiant and beautiful and not a can of fake tan in sight.

A Venue to Warm your Heart

I feel it's time for something practical and there's nothing strictly alternative about this.

Venues. Have a look here for The Independents top 50.

Choosing a venue is a personal thing and I think that there's more to it than meets the eye. Obviously the practicalities play a big part here and that's namely: your budget and the number of guests that you are having. After that though, it opens the door of your voyage of discovery in getting to know yourself and your partnership even more. In a sea of confusion it can help to have some guiding lights to help you navigate through the endless possibilities of where your wedding may take place.

Make it somewhere that you feel connected to. Either from your childhood or other arcs of your life or from your passions e.g. remote countryside, coast, historical interest or a particular style that you adore like Art Deco-anywhere that holds some kind of meaning for one or both of you. Time to work out what excites you-what really does it for you!

If it helps, write down a short list of things that immediately come to mind or some descriptive words that create a rough framework and a criteria that you would like to satisfy.As much as possible your choice and type of venue both for the ceremony and celebrations will correspond with the things that you love and reflect your essence and style. Top 50's are great for inspiration but all the way along, when you make decisions that sit right with you and really belong to you, your experience of planning your wedding will be rewarding and fulfilling.

Get Into the Journey

Life is not the same without a daily dose of The Independent. I've become addicted to it-the features are diverse, interesting, well written and somehow always relevant to the ideas that I share as a life and wedding coach.

Last week I seemed to keep reading stories that carried a message about journeys- both travel and life ones. In particular, a feature entitled The Road Less Travelled about hitch-hiking in which the writer, Simon Usbourne travelled from London to the most Northern tip of the UK -John O' Groats by thumbing lifts from complete strangers. It took him two and a half days and twelve lifts(11 blokes and one female) for him to complete the almost 700 mile journey. On the way he talked to each driver and photographed those that were willing. In his words, he was in turn moved, transfixed, and even horrified by the characters that he met all of whom added rich detail to the stunning landscapes that he was travelling through and had the time to appreciate. The story of his journey was captivating -as life is when you take the the time to absorb all that exists and happens. Often, the journey really is more important then the destination.

And in her autobiographical book-Pleasures of a Tangled Life-Jan Morris has this to say 'Travelling can be done well or badly, conscientiously or with a slovenly disregard of detail and nuance. ''Doing it well means putting up with irritants like being overcharged or robbed, because the miseries of travel are "the salt that gives them flavour".

Anyone who has worked with me or even visited my website knows how much emphasis I put on the value of the wedding journey. The months before you marry are full of new people, life events, emotions, decisions, challenge and change. It is a unique time and every single moment is precious. It's necessary to let go of the need to control everything and to release expectations of it being smooth running and plain sailing. Also to embrace all that it is-the so called disasters as well as the triumphs and to accept that everything doesn't go to plan for a reason-Always, ALWAYS for a reason. Adopting that belief brings untold relief!

Journeys are meant to be colourful, unpredictable, enlightening, surprising and crammed with opportunities to learn and grow. It's just that sometimes they are heavily disguised. Welcome it all and know that your own individual wedding journey contains all that you need to arrive at your wedding day wiser, stronger and ready to get married. You only have to make sure that you are open to receiving it!

The Power of Love

Tomorrow -June 17th 2008- sees the legalisation of same sex weddings in the state of California and for the last month my Google news feeds have gone crazy on the subject-rightly so. It's great and welcome news-a little more understanding and acceptance in the world can only ever be a good thing-it affects all of us-gay and straight. Of course there will be the opposers, the fearful, who write small minded comments like this:
"No,- homosexual unions are not marriage that is what God ordained for a man and a women. People may think that they can re-write God's laws but society will reap the sad results of these wrong actions" -in response to this Times Online article.

- but it doesn't matter because now consolation type commitment ceremonies are a thing of the past in the sunshine state and same sex couples couples can get married and have a legally recognised wedding just like opposite sex couples can. Yeehah!

And, I just learned that in 1948, California was the first American state to strike down laws banning interracial marriage. It led the others then and it can again. Oh yes, change is afoot in a very big way-it has taken time, patience and belief but in the end, love will conquer all. Really, how can race, gender and sexual orientation come into question? Love is just love -there is no judgement necessary and the more it is allowed to flourish freely the better our world will be.

And when those people love who love each other want to marry, we all benefit for, as Marianne Willimason says in her book, A Return to Love-'So it is that a marriage is meant to be a blessing on the world, because it is a context in which two people might become more than they would have been alone.' It is a strengthening in the fabric of our societies, the world over.United we stand! To me, in terms of marriage, the issue of someone's sexual preference is irrelevant-it is all about the person within the outer shell of a human body-that which is not separated by age, sex, race, colour or religion.

And on that note- I found this feature in my favourite newspaper, The Independent entitled Love Story which kind of says it all really.

60 years ago, the writer James Morris married Elizabeth Tuckniss-they had five children, one of which died and in 1972 James went to Morocco and returned as a woman. At the time, the now, same sex couple were forced to divorce but they continued to live and be together. On May 14th this year, the writer Jan Morris and Elizabeth Tuckniss exchanged vows again in a legally binding civil union and as Elizabeth says, ''We are back together again,officially.'' Despite the law, they were never apart. The love between these two people remained constant-it kept them together. Love -and acceptance-conquers all. Well, the law may well be an ass-but we can take heart in the fact that it, at least, seems to be learning.

Oh Happy Day!

Photographs: Ben Gold Photography www.bengold.co.uk

My friend Amanda Jane Tooth is now married to John Carter and Mr and Mrs.Carter are a very handsome and happy couple. No, they really are. These two so wanted to be married to each other that the actual wedding on 31st May 2008 took a very appropriate second place and that's always a good recipe for a successful wedding. When the spirit and joy of the couple are the fuel that burns the wedding fire, you know that you are in for a great and memorable day.

I talk about authenticity-and this epitomised it. Amanda wore a trademark black dress and she looked gorgeous. So easy, relaxed, true to herself. She was radiant and confident and sparkled from within. They married in Marylebone Registry Office in London-which is dignified and grand and my clever and talented husband, Gareth, on request, wrote a poem about John and Amanda for their wedding day. I'm biased, but he's original and gifted and his words entertain, delight and move me. He produced a great piece for their otherwise straightforward wedding ceremony in which the two of them remained grounded, focused and beautifully composed throughout.

Then, the entire wedding party-about 65 of us hotfooted over to Soho in shared black cabs to the fabulous French House, a tiny pub that holds special memories for John and Amanda. The pub has a charming, bijoux dining room upstairs that produced a rustic, paysanne buffet -akin to a stylish French picnic and Kir Royale with Creme de Framboise, Fraise and Peche, flowed freely.
Downstairs, in the bar the buzzy conversation was complemented by the afternoon jazzy/swing sounds of two local Soho characters on piano and crooning vocals who stopped briefly for our mostly improvised and informal speeches.

It was quite simply a joyous afternoon that romped along off it's own steam and carried us all merrily along with it. Memories are made of days like this and authentic weddings cannot, ever, be beaten by big mouthed, big budget extravaganzas. You've gotta have soul. Without that there is nothing-it's empty on the inside.

This was a wedding that perfectly captured the essence of the couple within-it reflected their intentions, their love and who they are as people. It was, in every sense, their day.

You did it, my friend. You married the man that you have loved for two decades. You both did it with style, grace and integrity and you brought together a fantastic group of people to celebrate and experience it with you. For a few hours on 31st May 2008 we were all most definitely 'in it together' and that's something that people never forget.

Privately, at weddings I always think that there is an unspoken litmus test. Is it-after witnessing the ceremony and celebration of the day -believable? Does our heart tell us that the vows and declarations made by these two people are genuine and true?

Well, on this occasion -to coin a cliché phrase used by theatre critics when they spot a roaring success-for my money-'this is one that is going to run and run.' xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lend Me Your Ears

I'm thinking about my speech-as 'best woman' this saturday. I love wedding speeches -I think that they are fascinating and revealing -one of my favourite parts of the day after the ceremony and vows and I really don't understand when people say they find them boring. Sure, some are good and others not so. We see nerves, dodgy material, bad timing but still I find them riveting and moving. The act of giving a speech is a generous gift and it deserves respect however adept and confident the giver is.

Perhaps it's because I'm a coach and it's my job to really listen to people-not just what they say but how they say it and crucially what they don't say. I observe body language, posture, gesture, speech patterns, language and tone. Anything that you give time to in this way, looking beyond the surface becomes thoroughly absorbing-layers of information revealing what and who is within.

Anyway, I would never buy a book about speech-making because I really don't want to know that much about it-sometimes too much information is a dangerous thing-it's like having an overload of advice-it fills your head so you don't know which way to turn and kills your ability to just do what comes naturally.

So, I appreciated this snappy article about wedding speech-making written by barrister, after dinner speaker and comedy writer, Clive Coleman. It told me all I wanted to know and gave me the confidence to go ahead and just do what feels right to me. For those who do want more help-there are endless books available as well as helpful professionals like Paul Chronnell also known as the Speech Maker, who can help you craft your speech and coach you on the presenting front as well.

I have been inspired by Marianne Williamson who writes in her book, A Return to Love, about walking out on stage and speaking to hundreds of people. Instead of taking the stance that she needs to impress people and make them feel that she is special, she instead just talks to friends, casually with enthusiasm and so there is no pressure and nothing else to do but relax and enjoy it.

I find that liberating and that's what i'll be doing on Saturday-not to hundreds of people-just about sixty of them. I'll talk to a room full of friends, casually with enthusiasm about my very great friend Amanda and what she means to me. There's no need to impress and nothing for me to do but relax.

Public speaking's never gonna be the same again!

Oh What a Night!

Last weekend I was involved in the most fantastic-for want of a much better word, 'hen' night.

My great friend, Amanda is getting married on 31st May and I am to be her best woman. Nine of us met in the private room of a french restaurant off Oxford Street in London and with not a set of bunny ears in sight, we shared six joyful hours together.

The room was booked from 7 till 10 but at 1am they were politely thrusting the bill under our noses. Yes, we drank. Some champagne, then simple white wine but it wasn't that. This was a magnetic group of women: a childhood school friend, two younger sisters, three work colleagues who were actually far more significant in her life than just that, another glorious friend who had featured in her life at various points- and me.
I had asked each to bring along some music that was representative of a time they shared with Amanda or that reflected her essence and so, we created a kind of soundtrack for the evening.

We had everything from Liza Minelli in Cabaret to Paul Weller & The Jam, The Turtles to the Scissor Sisters, David Essex, David Cassidy and Katherine Williams ,French Cafe Music and Seventies Soul. Each offering was connected to a story and evocative memories of special times. There were gifts too in the form of personal words, poems , cards and a treasured hat from the seventies covered with 70's badges that Amanda thought had gone long ago. It's appearance at the hands of little sister Emma who had held on to it in secret for about 25 years, brought squeals of delight and disbelief and as each sister told their big sister what she meant to them, an emotional wave hit us all.

As the night grew dark, we lit the candles, talked at depth, laughed hysterically, danced, sang and opened little presents from a goody bag supplied by Sian who generously put some of her perks for working at Marie Claire to great use.

We felt close. There was warmth, openess and camaraderie. We all shared something that night including our love for our friend Amanda which was what had brought us together in the first place .

A few days earlier someone had asked me what I thought a hen night was all about and I said I think it's different things to different people. For me, it was a very necessary and powerful part of my rite of passage-part of the process of change and transition from single to married. A hen night is steeped in tradition and it has a reassuring and comforting ritual about it. Each individual will have a different idea of how they want theirs to be and what elements they need to feel it was successful.

Naturally, the idea of 'the last night of freedom' has been devoured by the commercial world of wedding planning and hen night paraphernalia is big business. Indeed, there is a whole industry dedicated to arranging Stag and Hen packages. The outfits, L plates and and drunken skulduggery that epitomise the majority of hen nights seem to slightly miss the point. Instead of being alive, conscious and aware-there seems to be a group intent to to slide into the unconscious, downing enough tequila and flaming sambuca to drown a hippo. For some, the last night of freedom seems to be more akin to the last night alive on earth.

I may be wrong but I do feel this is so much the British way and find it hard to imagine that a group of Spanish girls on a despedida de soltera or french women sharing a soiree entre filles will 'celebrate' in quite the same kamikaze fashion as us emotionally repressed brits on a hen. (I welcome comments here.)

So, while we have to contend with the tacky image that is associated with hen nights-I think that they are an integral step in this rite of passage. They are valuable and necessary and would encourage anyone considering not having one to think again. It's very much about honouring and recognising how your life is developing and taking stock of where you have been and where you are going. It's a fine opportunity to celebrate, to love and live vibrantly, joyously and wildly in the moment with the significant women in your life.

Do it , by all means -do it to the max -but, as with all aspects of Getting Married from the Inside Out-make it authentic and do it in a way that is aligned with all that you are and it will make it's impact and stay with you...forever.

Wedding Crime Numero Uno!

A few months ago, I found myself in the middle of a should they , shouldn't they debate on one of the wedding forums. I sometimes read them to keep up with what's going on in the mainstream wedding arena and occasionally feel compelled to respond to certain issues. Like the odd rule of not wearing white out of respect for the bride.

Right. I understand the basis of this-it's just that these rules get taken too, too seriously. This one just fuels the whole bridal ego thing-it's MY day.... I'm the centre of attention and I don't want anyone to spoil that/take the limelight from ME, ME, ME . Selfish, closed and mean spirited and the wrong road to take if you want to be shining like a beacon on your wedding day.

Of course the wedding is about the couple getting married. They just are the centre of attention, without even doing anything. Generally people are there to share love and give support to the two people who are making this commitment to each other. If someone chooses to wear light coloured clothes or even a white dress, does it have to mean that they are disrespecting the bride? Maybe they just found something that they really liked and wanted to wear to the wedding without any thoughts of upstaging the bride. Yet, I hear stories of these innocent people being talked about as if they are witches who deserve to be burned at the stake and devoured at the wedding feast by baying guests.

Jeez! You think I'm exaggerating? You want to read some of these forum posts. People are so tightly bound by rules and etiquette that they have lost all reasonable judgement and their sense of joy and freedom. In the grand scale of things why does it matter?

My point was, it matters only to the bride who is not focused and engaged in what she is doing. The bride that is concentrating on the aesthetics of the day and other peoples behaviour isn't attending to herself. She is allowing outside activity to affect her and take her way off course-in other words losing perspective of what is important and why the day is even happening at all.

When you recall your memories of your wedding day in years to come-what do you hope to remember? Your feeling on the day, your intention, your partners face as you stood with him/her during your ceremony. Will you remember your vows and your inability to stop smiling? Will you remember how confident and proud you were, how radiant you felt and the warmth and softness of your first kiss as a married couple?

Or, will you look back and think -oh yes, Aunty Miranda wore a white dress with a big white hat-what a COW-she completely ruined MY day! Your choice.....

Life Makeover Show 2008

Last weekends Life Makeover show in Hove was enthusiastically attended by all manner of folk looking to improve and change different aspects of their lives. There were life coaches, financial coaches, health and well-being coaches, career coaches,style coaches, house cleaners, personal fitness coaches, reiki, acupuncture, massage, EFT,Ayurvedic Practitioners-generally everything imaginable that can help you to practically take charge of your life and make it more efficient, rewarding and enjoyable.

And then there was me.
Getting Married From the Inside Out Coaching and Mentoring for your Wedding Journey. I wanted to try it to see if visitors to a Life Makeover show were more open and receptive to coaching and mentoring in this area of their lives because those that attend wedding shows-in general-are rather resistant to it.

Oh yes, they are stressed, nervous, anxious, confused, daunted and overwhelmed but because they are, on the whole, strongly influenced by the commercial world of weddings, it's difficult for them to switch focus and appreciate the value of emotional and mental preparation on the road to getting married. Many are completely new to the idea of life coaching and are unaware that getting married and planning your wedding, can be fulfilling, rewarding and enlightening -in fact a complete voyage of personal discovery and development that makes for a smoother transition from single to married.

Here, in this life-focused arena -as opposed to a strictly wedding arena-those who were actually getting married or at least thinking about it-were very receptive, intrigued and pleased to find me there.

I had some great conversations with like minded souls-shared my ideas for a change in how getting married is perceived and approached and generally had a great day. I'll definitely be doing that show again-it was FAB!

I noticed how the entrepreneurial spirit of the day kept things buoyant. The place was full of practitioners who really believed in their chosen path and profession and they were excited to share their knowledge and ideas.

Of course everyone there had a business to run and they charge for their individual services but there was a distinct difference in the atmosphere of a hall filled with people promoting products-like at a wedding show to one full of people promoting services that they are passionate about. At the end of the day-instead of feeling drained-I felt positive and uplifted and really, really encouraged that my individual style and brand of coaching has a definite place. Of course, I know that otherwise I wouldn't be doing it but we all need proof, encouragement and feedback to keep us going and sustain the original vigour especially if it is a solo venture of a unique kind.

I'm happy. Small steps in the right direction and as the saying goes, 'from little acorns......

Respect Your Rite of Passage

I read this funny and warm article about a Bat Mitvah which kind of made the unorthodox Jewish me wish I'd done something like this just for the whole transition into adulthood experience. I was surprised to read how inflated this particular rite of passage has become in terms of budget, pressure and expectation. It seems the commercial world of Bar/Bat Mizvahs is as ludicrous as that of weddings and a significant rite of passage in the life of a Jewish teenager has also mutated into an extravaganza of vulgar proportions.

The link here is the parallel between the two and the fact that I am utterly fascinated with all Rites of Passage and their place in our lives. Getting Married is a major Rite of Passage. Yes even now, when girls and boys leave home at 17 and have several sexual partners before finally shacking up with someone that they are really serious about. Even now, when years of living together, buying a house together and having children often precede the decision to make a public declaration of love and commitment to one another and legally change the status of two single people into that of a married couple. It is still a Rite of Passage-that's my belief anyway.

Just because the order of doing things has changed and we are all generally older and more experienced with relationships and life-it doesn't alter the fact that getting married is a passage into a new phase. It's a transition, a shift, a movement, maybe for some quite a subtle one on the surface but it affects us at very deep level because public vows and commitment, ritual and ceremony are moving and significant things in our lives. A Big Deal-no matter what anyone says.

All the rites of passage within our lives are significant and understanding them more would help us immeasurably.They give meaning and form to the story of our lives and provide milestones to look back on. Yet, we as a culture hardly recognise them and the majority of brides that I meet are unaware of what this or any rite of passage for that matter, actually means.

And, for this reason, it's a core part of my Getting Married from the Inside out Coaching Programme and everyone, without exception has benefited from exploring what it means to them and how it's actually affecting them and impacting upon their personal wedding journey. If nothing else I do want to alert people to what they have decided to do and help them to make sense of it so they can understand, experience and enjoy it to the max.

Like most people, my transition into adulthood just happened and I really wish there had been a memorable event to look back on , something that I could hold onto and recall- how I felt and what I thought-just something that marked my achievement and growth from child to woman. Those moments are precious and those that get to have ceremonies are privileged though they may not realise it at the time-(see girl above!)

Getting married is the same. It's a great big privilege-the process of preparation, the ceremony and celebration that follow are not to be taken lightly-not trivialised by nonsensical commercial claptrap. The success of the whole journey to your wedding day and into marriage lays not in big budget co-ordinated perfection but in taking your rite of passage seriously-experiencing it with awareness and whole hearted intention-then you can be sure that this day that everyone talks about will make it's impact, for all the right reasons.

Truly Great Shots

I'm often contacted by all kinds of weird and wonderful people offering their wedding services because they think that I'm a wedding planner. I'm not. I'm a coach and mentor and though I do support people creatively to put together a wedding that is authentic -my main aim is to help those on their wedding journey have the best, most rewarding, fulfilling experience possible.

So, today a photographer called me-and I'm so glad that she did. I loved how she sounded- full of energy and life-really warm and vibrant and I kind of knew that her work would be worth looking at. I was right. Her photography is just gorgeous. Rich, atmospheric shots-very creative, original work full to the brim with emotion and life. A world away from the repetitive wedding photos that are churned out time and time again. Seriously, if you want to spend a bit of money on striking, stylish but very real wedding photographs take a visit to Sandra Von Riekhoff's website


I'm not one to urge people to spend lots of money on everything-I'm very inspired by the whole shoestring approach BUT if photographs are high on your list of priorities, I don't think that this talented and passionate photographer will let you down-she'll be a fun, positive person to have around you too.

Frock Shock

Goodness Me! Seriously, would you?

Elizabeth Emanuel designed this as part of her BHS Range and they sell for £495. At one time, post Diana wedding frock she could command up to £25,000 per dress. Who, I wonder actually paid that much and do they feel as if they were had?

Elizabeth Emanuel says "It is as if my couture dress is the perfume and the Bhs dress is the eau de toilette."

Well, the toilet water of wedding dresses-if that doesn't sell it, I don't know what will!

I just think that it's so unoriginal, unimaginative and well, patronising. I can't believe that any modern day bride, even if they want something retro or classic would go for this.

Does anyone like it? I'd love to know.

You Gotta Roll with It

Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis are getting married-after 10 years together and two children.
Liam Gallagher and Nicole Appleton married on Valentines Day after eight years together and in January Julie Christie married her long term partner of 28 years. Previously she had said that marriage didn't fit in with her beliefs and more hippyish ideals.
So, all kinds of couples-some would say-less conventional, freer thinking, independent souls are deciding to go through the tradition and ritual of a wedding ceremony to become legally united as a married couple.

For them, no fanfare, no monstrous OK/Hello deals, no security helicopters heralding the arrival of a frenetic media circus. Just a joyful wedding of two people who love each other surrounded by the love and support of people that they really want to be there.They have no need to tell the world, they feel no urge to prove their status -they are strong and secure within themselves as people and as a couple and their decision to marry has depth and mutual desire behind it rather then a desperate need to fortify their fame and celebrity standing.

Marriage isn't outdated. Neither is it pointless, unimportant, unfashionable or at the 'beginning of the end' as Hannah Betts recently suggested in the Observer. It's not any one thing-it's lots of different things-a moveable feast that's unique to each couple. How can it be labelled?- that's just too narrow and short-sighted-biased , cynical and closed to infinite possibility.

I love to hear that media perceived 'hell-raisers' are choosing to get married. It encourages my belief that, deep down, marriage is much more about core values and the human need to evolve than an institution of society, a religious act or a result of government puppeteering. If artists, writers, actors and rock stars-those often considered maverick laws unto themselves are choosing lifelong partners in this way-does it not make these staunchly single(mostly) female journalists feel that they could be misjudging something worth having?

OK-It's not for everyone, I agree but there are some people who really get it and want to be open and creative with it-(I'm not talking swinging here) I actually think that those who write about it's lost place in modern society are prone to convention themselves and far from marriage being a thing of the past it is their attitude and view of it that needs bringing up to date.

Very Revealing!

For the majority of brides, the dress is a big deal. For most it's top of the priorities list and they cannot rest until they have the one that fulfils their dreams.Then follows months of dieting and exercise regimes so they can actually fit into it because they ordered it two sizes smaller than their normal size. Stress, body issues, unhealthy obsession on how they are going to look on the day while completely forgetting how they are going to be-WHO they are going to be. The dress is given more attention and reverie than the act of marriage.

What's a good solution? -Lose the dress!

I can't help but feel that the couples who choose to have nudist weddings are leaps and bounds ahead of the rest. Their focus is absolutely on their decision to marry and to stand there, together as transparent as the day they were born seems to be so fitting.

"Couples who get married in the nude are closer to God, the universe, divine energy, said Rev. Jo Ann Pessagno "Their emphasis is on the ceremony and the words as opposed to the flowers, the place cards, what kind of wine they're serving, what kind entrees, desserts.Nude weddings also remind couples that their lifestyle is about love and acceptance above all else.''

And, as one groom said "nudism is a great equalizer. You are the same as everyone. You're not wearing anything that would separate you from anyone else."

I am intrigued.-I'm not saying that I could do it but actually-I'd like to go to a nudist wedding because I bet the atmosphere would be something else. It's extreme, yes-but in a very positive, peace inspiring way. Anything that strips things back to basics has purity at it's heart and a need and desire to reveal the truth of what lies beneath.

You can't suddenly become a nudist-(or may be you can?) but you can follow that train of thought. Instead of shrouding yourself in in a mask of make-up, uncharacteristic wedding hair and a dress that makes it's entrance before you do, let yourself be seen in as pure a light as possible. Keep your decoration simple and authentic and though you may not literally stand there naked before your partner and all your guests, you will be close as possible with your clothes on.