What's the Story Here?

Dawn of a New Beginning, originally uploaded by Tracie Taylor Photography.

Let me continue to clarify the reason for this blog. It's about the journey of getting married and being individual, waking up, being conscious, making things matter, making decisions and choices that fit with who you are and want you want.

It's not about commercial wedding planning. It's not about doing things right, following trends, following others but about following your heart. Listening to your heart, yourself, hearing yourself, becoming a person in your own right.

Everything that I choose to write about connects to those ideas. I coach people to think for themselves, trust themselves, have confidence in themselves, understand themselves and generally emerge on their wedding day with a strong sense of themselves so that they can take a whole person into their marriage.

It's also about life transition, change, rites of passage, life events and looking at the bigger picture. It's about putting heart and soul into something that has become increasingly soulless and about looking at the whole experience of getting married and planning a wedding as an opportunity to develop and grow.

And why? Because these are things that I care about. Because many people don't have the best experience possible when they get married and step into their new status in a bewildered and mildly traumatised state. It's got to be better than that. Greater than that.

I feel strongly about living in such a commercial world; a fanatical consumers society where bigger, better, faster and brighter are king and weddings are meant to be as perfect and sanitised as a Hollywood A-listers teeth. I feel bound to share my views, my ideas and experience in a way that can and may make a difference to someone else's experience and could and may change, just a little, how getting married and planning a wedding is perceived. That's what I hope, anyway.

First Dance

Here's inspiration. Swaying around the room's just not right for some folk. They wanna do their thang! This may not be for all couples but it's a great illustration of how to express the different parts of yourself in your wedding day.

Choose Words

Presents for the bridesmaids, paige boy, best man, mother in laws. Presents for each other? What is all this unnecessary present buying that has become de rigeur? The wedding forums are full of brides asking each other what they have bought for everyone and pleading for inspiration for a particularly judgemental mother in law to be.

There is already too much pointless expense. Why does a groom, on his wedding day need a present from his bride? Is it not enough that she is marrying him, exchanging lifetime vows with him, emerging from the day as his wife?What present can match that?

This is the tireless work of the fat cat wedding industry sending out relentless messages that wedding party present buying is good etiquette. What a load of old bollards!

Of course, everyone likes to be recognised for the roles they play at a wedding. People like to be appreciated and to feel important but genuine gratitude can be beautifully conveyed in a speech or a personal, hand written card which can be kept forever.

Weddings are not award ceremonies and present buying isn't obligatory.It doesn't mean that you are stingy if you don't show your appreciation with a gift. It has all got way, way out of hand. Keep it simple, keep it real and, perhaps with the exception of the little ones, feel proud about communicating your thanks in words from your heart and it will be received in the spirit in which it was given.

Arrange Me a Marriage

Another angle, another show about marriage. This time, not strictly weddings-though that's obviously the desired end result for the people who have put themselves up for this. With their belief that they will find 'the one' by normal Western methods on the wane, they have offered themselves to Aneela Rahman, an attractive Asian woman-who will take them down the more direct husband hunting route favoured by Asian cultures. That's the idea of Arrange Me a Marriage currently airing on BBC2 ''What matters,'' Aneela says, ''is matching up class, expectations, family and earnings.''

What about chemistry? And love? I think that's supposed to gradually grow. It's an interesting debate-What's best, marriage for romantic purposes or pragmatic ones? There is a strong case for each -I understand why we in the West, eventually came around to the idea of Romantic marriage but we live in a throw away culture where divorce can be filed for after just twelve months and perhaps if were to adopt some of the strategies used in Eastern and some African cultures, we may end up with more suitable partners. It's so hard to judge well when you are in love!

I wonder, when a final choice is made from a selection of suitors presented by the family, does the Indian bride still ask How can I be sure? How do I know I'm doing the right thing? Is this really the one? Some Western brides-and grooms, drive themselves insane looking for definite answers. A sign from above-whatever.

Can anybody ever be 100% sure? I really don't think so and it's necessary to accept that. Getting married is something of a leap of faith however you found your partner because we cannot know what lies ahead. The best that you can do is to let go of expectations, go with the flow of life, be open-minded and rock solid in your own reasons for getting married and saying 'yes' in the first place.

When you have clarity on what you are doing, why you are doing it and what marriage means to you, when you have acknowledged and thoroughly understood your intentions then your intuition, your gut feeling will give you an indication of whether you are doing the right thing for yourself or not. Truly, it will. The question is, are you prepared to listen to it.?

The fabulous newlyweds!

It's never too late and you're never too old and this heart warming story proves it. James Mason is 93 and last week he married his younger bride Peggy Clark who is only 85! What spirit, what joie de vivre. They had known each other just a matter of days before he proposed on bended knee and after Peggy accepted with delight, she helped him up again.

The worlds press and media jumped on the story and Peggy and James found themselves thrust into the limelight as Britains oldest newly weds. The really great thing about this story is that they aren't just together for companionship alone, they appear to be head over heels in love, unable to stop cuddling and kissing and they both felt the pull and attraction the moment they met. It was, they say, love at first sight.

It's great that the media brought this to our attention but I think a bit of a shame that their very special wedding was invaded by press and the constantly flashing cameras and endless interviews meant that they didn't get to talk to each other all day.

How must it feel to marry at that age? How must it be to take wedding vows and truly commit to being together until your dying day? Surely, this is one couple that will be living in the moment, appreciating every minute together and living each day as if it is their last. They could probably teach us a lot.

Shake it up , baby!

I cannot contain my excitement and I am about to repeat myself in saying how great Don't Tell the Bride is. I just love this show! I could cry, actually I did a little watching episode 2 . Here, we have a cash strapped couple, living with their respective parents and getting married after the lovely Mayeta(she)proposed to JP (he) a year ago.

They are unconventional though she has streak of tradition running through her. He is intelligent, quirky, independent minded and put together a fabulously authentic wedding that reflected their individuality and expressed their essence as a couple. What a star! During the four weeks that they were apart, when he planned the entire wedding, they both took time to reflect on their reasons for getting married, their intentions, their feelings and their commitment to each other. They learned things about themselves which they brought to their wedding day.

The reason this show works is because the normal way to plan a wedding is turned around and shaken up and in the process, it wakes up the people involved. They are not just mindlessly walking the same path that other have trodden before them. A different approach changes the landscape, gives it a fresh perspective and asks different questions. JP saw it as an opportunity to mature and as proof of his strong and genuine feelings for Mayeta.

The success of this show depends on the couple but it is my feeling that any truly conventional couple would just not go for the whole set up. It requires some risk taking, which lets face it goes against the grain of most weddings i.e.predictable safe,commercial,and no surprises.

We are so long overdue for a change in how we look at Getting Married and planning a wedding-it feels tired,tedious and shallow when it can be so vibrant, inspired and life changing. My contribution to change is to present Getting Married from the Inside Out wherever and whenever I can so that more people step off that well trodden path and mark out their own route to their wedding day. Innovative, captivating shows like Don't Tell the Bride just fuel my desire and hearten me like you wouldn't believe.

Fantasy Weddings

A couple of weeks ago, I was involved in a documentary for Channel 5 about women who are planning their wedding but have no partner. That is,they are not in a relationship and therefore have no-one to marry, yet, they are still, seriously planning their wedding.

I was asked why they may do this and why the wedding fantasy is so powerful. Well, of course there is no one defining answer and each person will have a different set of reasons to drive them to such behaviour. I do believe though that the root of this lies in how much we are captivated and influenced by stories and how we identify with certain characters within the stories. We role play from an early age and for many females it is the princess that they aspire to be like. The one that is beautiful, rich, revered by many, special, important and rescued by the handsome prince.

For some people those two dimensional fairy stories continue into adulthood and that fairytale wedding is the realisation of their dreams. It signifies social success, status amongst their peers and validation that they are indeed, important, beautiful and worthy of love. For so many women that one wedding day represents so much.

For a minority of women, the fantasising has reached extreme proportions. So much that they have overlooked the importance of one vital ingredient-that of a partner. So focused are they on their fairytale wedding that they have arrested the development of other areas of their lives. They are out of balance and not rooted in reality and if a suitable partner does come their way, it is very likely that they will scare them off when they reveal that they have their wedding already planned!

Even today, in our modern world, full of confident, independent and successful woman, the wedding obsession exists. For many it really is the extension of their childhood fantasies and the news that Disney's 'princess weddings' has now become one of their most successful marketing ventures ever worth over $4billion, seems to reflect just that.

Sometimes, it is as if The Wedding and Getting Married are two very different things with no connection to each other. For some, unfortunately, the decision to get married has shallow roots-it is motivated by nothing more than the overwhelming desire to make their lifelong dreams come true and finally be the beautiful bride at their own fairytale wedding.

Really, the only thing that separates them from the women who are the subject of the documentary, is the fact that they have managed to find someone to have a wedding with.

Don't Tell The Bride

I normally have lots of negative things to say about all these TV Wedding shows but Don't Tell The Bride currently showing on BBC3 is an exception. It has so much going for it. The role reversal aspect turns everything on its head , forcing the bride to relinquish control while her husband to be plans the entire wedding without her knowing what decisions he is making. Her true feelings about the meaning of her wedding are free to come to the surface as her time and attention isn't being taken up with the usual planning.

This is a revealing show, that challenges the bride and groom in different ways and the fact that the wedding must be put together in four weeks with a £12,ooo budget and they must stay apart from each other during that time gives it many layers and dimensions.

I think that it's a fantastic idea, a great experiment that can actually do the bride and groom a lot of favours with respect to where their values lay and understanding what their intentions are towards each other. I also think that it is a brave couple who decide to do this knowing what the restrictions are though I'm sure that they haven't fully considered just what they are letting themselves in for. Indeed, the bride above-Katy Ollerenshaw absolutely freaked when she tried on the dress that Sam had chosen for her-and ended up borrowing the one she finally wore(above).

I like ideas that shake things up and change the perspective and I'm interested in watching what happens when a wedding is approached and planned in this way. Anything, anything to break the formula, the predictable set up. Something, that at last gets inside the minds of the couple and shows more than just an outer layer. Hallelujah!

Buck the Trend

Just as I completed the last post I ran head first into an article entitled Celebrity Wedding Trends: What's In Style. Oy Veh! Is there no escape from this?

I learn that their cakes are tall opposed to wide, they are into involving their pets, they are keen on doing it far away places and Katie Holmes is responsible for the resurrection of wedding gowns with sleeves? And, we either fall into the category of famous or non famous, celebrity or non-celebrity, star or non-entity. I made the last one up but you get my point.

Anyway, I find it hard to believe that anyone is interested in this useless information that serves no purpose other than to make people feel anxious that their own wedding isn't quite wowee enough.

What tosh! My advice is to give a wide berth to anything that is labelled 'must have' prefixed by the word uber and followed by the words, cool or stylish or claims to be any kind of trend.

It's that flimsy and fickle you can turn anything that you want into a trend and it doesn't have to be led by a s'leb to be acceptable. You go ahead and take great pleasure in doing your own thing, you'll find it so much more enjoyable and rewarding.

Who said the camera never lies?

I firmly believe that one of the main reasons that weddings have become so ridiculous and out of hand is the majority obsession with celebrity.
The desire to emanate their perceived life of glamour and million dollar style positively erupts as soon as a wedding is on the cards.



I read a good article in last weekends Mail on Sunday called Do You Have Celebrity Envy?
It attempts to reveal that the the charmed life they appear to lead is nothing more than a cleverly cultivated image captured on celluloid to con society that this is where the party's at and this is how you need to be to call yourself 'somebody'. Unfortunately, too many believe it to be true and follow suit by buying the same labels, taking the same holidays and eating in the same restaurants-generally living way beyond their means.

In reality, the celebrity is being dictated to by society and the media, constantly having to live up to expectations by presenting the façade they believe everyone wants to see. The stunning photo is a contrived moment that generally doesn't represent the reality of their life and what is going on beneath the surface.

Now, one of the most anticipated parts of a wedding day has become, not the ceremony but the photographs! So much time, energy and money is put into getting the perfect shot where the bride looks beautiful, slim, glamorous, radiant, so very, very happy. She is surrounded by her matching bridesmaids, with her handsome man, and yes, in that one she looks just like a film star! The dream has been achieved and captured forever for everyone to see.

There is nothing wrong with that so long as the drive it takes to get those perfect wedding photos hasn't overtaken the real meaning of the wedding day and the happiness that they show is much more than skin deep.

Happiness cannot be bought, It doesn't come from material wealth, a glitzy lifestyle or outer beauty-celebrity doesn't equal happiness-perhaps quite the opposite. Like the other great things in life, happiness comes from WITHIN and your acceptance and celebration of yourself, your ability to love with all your heart and an understanding of what it means to be generous and kind. I truly believe that-well, I know it to be true.

Once you get that, the pursuit of happiness from outside means; material things and a perfect image, seems to just fall by the wayside. You'll see right through those glossy celebrity mags and instead of wishing you were more like them, you'll be content to just be you.

Then you are ready to get married!

It's gotta be you, wonderful you

On Dirty Dancing -Time of Your Life one of the judges comments towards a young dancing couple was that she couldn't see who they were-she felt she knew nothing about them. In other words, they weren't expressing their personalities through their dancing, they were revealing nothing of their inner world. Their passion, hearts and souls were hidden, their dancing was fine on the outside but lacked depth and substance to captivate and move the audience.

Later, that day on the X Factor, Simon Cowells' comments to a young female singer were the same. He said, 'I don't know who you are', meaning that she wasn't allowing her true self to be seen and connect with the audience. It's simply not enough to have a good voice or be a good dancer, there needs to be charisma, star quality and a magnetic, real person shining through to make people care about and remember you.

I place a lot of importance on being who you are. On the road to your wedding day, there is a great opportunity to find out more about who you are so that you may bring a whole person to your wedding day and into your marriage.

For any kind of personal success, it's essential to be who you are and as a bride on your wedding day, it's not enough to go through the motions, to be how you think others expect you to be or to try and impress. For a truly fulfilling and memorable experience you need to bring your individual self to the table and connect with what you are doing. Or, you may just find that like the judges watching the performers, you are left with an empty, flat feeling that causes you great problems further down the line.

Don't be that bride! The one that can't even remember her wedding ceremony or who looks back on the day as if she were role playing in some kind of dream. Be the one that sings her own song, dances to her own tune and spend the months before you marry getting to know yourself like you've never done before.

You'll be glad you did.

I place a lot of importance on being who you are. On the road to your wedding day, there is a great opportunity to find out more about who you are so that you may bring a whole person to your wedding day and into your marriage.

For any kind of personal success, it's essential to be who you are and as a bride on your wedding day, it's not enough to go through the motions, to be how you think others expect you to be or to try and impress. For a truly fulfilling and memorable experience you need to bring your individual self to the table and connect with what you are doing. Or, you may just find that like the judges watching the performers, you are left with an empty, flat feeling that causes you great problems further down the line.

Don't be that bride! The one that can't even remember her wedding ceremony or who looks back on the day as if she were role playing in some kind of dream. Be the one that sings her own song, dances to her own tune and spend the months before you marry getting to know yourself like you've never done before.

You'll be glad you did.

VALUABLE VOWS!

Last Sunday 21st October was our wedding anniversary. We married seven years ago at Portmeirion in North Wales on the most beautiful autumn day that felt more like late summer. And seven years later in Brighton, the warm sunshine and clear blue skies brought the memory of our wedding day to the forefront of our minds and put us in a mood conducive to good times.

I wrote a blog entry on the day but somehow lost it before I posted. Perhaps it was fate-maybe it was too sentimental. In a nutshell, I admitted that this year had been a struggle. Though we have been in a relationship for 20 years, we were both feeling the seven year itch thing-some days wondering why we were together feeling nothing but distance between each other.

We have changed a lot; evolved-me especially. We realise that we need to re-establish our relationship to each other and not expect things to just remain the same. We need to continue evolving as a couple. The good news is the desire to do that is there for both of us.

Our wedding anniversary was more significant than we had anticipated. We expected little and got a lot. We got each other. With nothing really planned we just allowed the day to unfold and as we wandered down to the beach and had lunch at a restaurant overlooking the sea, I felt thankful and content to still be married. It was effortlessly special and naturally romantic.

I write this for a reason. WEDDING VOWS. Without them, we may well have thrown in the towel before now. When you allow yourself to be in the moment and emotionally connect with your vows, it is a powerful feeling indeed. The tradition and ritual of a wedding ceremony, civil or religious, cannot be underestimated. It is the nucleus and substance of your wedding and the thing that can make the grandest impact on you and your life. Getting married, for me, was a much needed anchor, for my husband too I believe.

I married a man that I loved. Nothing more, nothing less. He was an imperfect match and still is. Sometimes, I question whether I love him in the same way but then I'm reminded that I still do-I care for him too and he has always, always been able to make me laugh-his wit is inimitable.

At the time, I knew why I was getting married, what it meant to me , it's place in my life and I understand that even more now. It's one of life's opportunities that I think is very often misread and misunderstood. Here's my take on it-it's a simple quote by a man called Joseph Barth which sums it all up for me, 'Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.' Within a sea of stress and anxiety, confusion and doubt, that quote is a helpful beacon of light that can make sense of all the modern day pre wedding madness and help to show you the way.

Then, you have your vows. If they come from you, and you speak them from your heart, they will be absorbed into your being and when you veer off course, they will be right there to put you back on track. Suck it and see. It's working for me!

Dressing from the Inside Out

I don't know about anyone else, but I thought that Sarah Jessica Parker as Carrie on her wedding day in the new Sex & the City film looked like a cross between Cruella de Ville and a character from a restoration comedy. Over made-up and over styled, she just looked daft! It was more like a spoof of Sex & the City -I found it hard to believe that they were serious.

The wedding dress is a big old subject. So big in fact that it now has a TV show dedicated to choosing one.
'Say Yes to the Dress,' is a 13 part series on U.S. channel TLC. Here's a taster-the clip I saw went like this- Assistant: 'What do you want to look like in your dress?' Bride to be: 'Barbie.' !!!!!!!! It's billed as part fashion show, part bridal story, part family therapy and tells the 'fascinating tales of the women who are in search of the most important dress they will ever buy.'

And with message like that, it's no wonder that for many brides, the success of their wedding day depends on finding that one perfect dress. In their minds, it is the thing that finally transforms them from normal to special to fulfil their lifelong fantasy of a fairytale wedding. It is a major issue and after the date and venue are decided, it's at the top of the list as a priority.

I do feel that a brides attitude towards her dress is often indicative of her attitude towards her wedding. Too much focus on the dress usually means little or no focus on the reason that she's wearing it in the first place. Whereas, the bride who is consciously preparing herself to be married, who is looking forward to the action and words of the ceremony may well place less emphasis on searching for a dress that makes her feel and look like a princess. She is more likely to want a dress that says something about who she is, on the inside.

When the dress comes up during coaching, my question is, 'Who do you want to be on your wedding day? What aspects of yourself do you want to highlight-which parts of your character and personality do you want to bring out and get in touch with?How will you capture your unique style?Indeed, what is your unique style? These are thought provoking questions that help to reveal how you feel about yourself.

If I'm honest, I sometimes think that full on wedding dresses look a bit ridiculous. What looked good in the shop, often looks out of place in the venue and it's a good idea to take that into account. Think about the size, style and mood of the place that you will marry in before you get carried away and in your weak, 'Oh mommy moment', ( One Perfect Day, by Rebecca Mead describing the moment the bride believes she finds THE dress of dresses) you get stung for a veil and tiara too! The last thing you want to do is look back at your photos and think,'what on earth possessed me to wear THAT. What was I thinking?

It's so easy to get swept along by the romance of it all, and to buy into that whole bridal image hook, line and sinker. I'm not saying don't do it-I'm just suggesting some thought, some contemplation about yourself and who you are at the centre of it all so that your dress choice comes from you. You got it-from THE INSIDE OUT!

Simply the Best

dita von teese - by georges antoni - for harper's bazaar, originally uploaded by fashion.inspiration.

My best friend is getting married. Not to the man that she spent twelve years with. Neither to the one that she spent the last three years with. No. She's marrying the man that she never stopped loving after she split up with him over sixteen years ago! I wasn't surprised. Just a few weeks into her new found singledom, she told me that they were in regular contact and that she was going to visit him in France for a week. She returned happy and confident that she would be moving there to be with him and after the second visit he had asked her to marry him. Mais, bien sur!

We spent an afternoon chatting in my kitchen about her plans to marry in Soho in London with an intimate party of family and close friends. She's wants to go for a forties/Dita Von Teese look-how marvellous-and she's hoping to pull together some of the wildly talented Soho characters that she's known over the last 20 years to sing and play some ad hoc tunes.

I asked her what I could do to help and she said -'You're my Best Woman-did I not tell you? No, I said-never mentioned it-but I'd be honoured-what do you want me to do. 'Well, she said, arrange it, style it, everything.' 'And a speech?' 'Oh, yes, please , I'd love that,' she said. No pressure, then. Truly, she's my closest friend of over 20 years, I am so very happy for her and proud to be playing a significant role in her day. I know it's going to be gloriously unconventional.

I am sharing this story because she knows how to be authentic. She feels no pressure to conform and no need to fulfil expectations. She will wear her favoured dark tones to marry in and there will be no bridesmaids, ushers, wedding cars, chair sashes, gift list but it will be rich in personality, spirit, intention and love. It will be a great celebration of the union of two people who have remained unsettled in their lives until their paths were able to cross again and all the usual wedding stuff, in this case is just surplus to requirement. I just know I'm going to cry!

Authentic Weddings Are Us!

I return after a few days feeling happy and satisfied. A horrible virus wiped me out for a couple of days but today the Wedding Planning Workshop that I held in Brighton was just fab and shifted the last remnants of lurking germs. I have to mention the Friends Meeting House where I hold my workshops because it is such a special place with a great atmosphere, wonderful welcoming attitude and a hive of fascinating activity and they are particularly supportive of me and my work-I just love them!

Whenever I coach brides to be, I feel privileged because they are confiding in me and sharing their hopes and fears, anxieties and concerns in ways that maybe they haven't done before and it does move me.

The group today was small but perfectly formed! They were all interested in each other, even though they were so diverse with completely different ideas about things. Everyone shared their story and explained why they had come and what they wanted to get from the day and it was a pleasure to have a male of the species in the group too. I know that the workshop opened everybody's mind about wedding planning and gave them inspiration and encouragement to increase their own self knowledge and self awareness so that they really can go ahead and create a wedding that expresses and represents who they are.

Everyone left on a high, with a spring in their step and so did I. So, thank you to all of you who came for being so open and generous.

If anyone is curious or interested to know more about my unique wedding planning and self preparation workshops or, indeed private coaching please email me at lesley@gettingmarriedinsideout.co.uk

Give the girls a break

manolomichele1 copy.jpg, originally uploaded by brooklyn bride.

I've just visited one of my favourite wedding blogs, Manolo for The Brides, to find their post for today is the same topic as I had mine planned to be! Matching bridesmaids. It's not necessary. I know the wedding formula says it is, for aesthetically pleasing, matching, symmetrical, perfect photos but those poor girls. All of them different shapes and sizes, different colouring and ages, having to wear the same dress. Who started that? It's the worst idea.

How many when asked to be a bridesmaid, think privately to themselves, yeah OK but what's she going to have me dressed in? How many dread being seen in public in the peach halter-neck monstrosity that means they can't wear a proper bra or cover up the tops of their untoned arms which they just hate.

Time and time again, brides go down that same road without even thinking that they could do something different. YOU CAN DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. And if you do, you'll love it, being creative. Getting your girls together and seeing what styles suit who. You can have different tones of the same colour or different styles of the same colour so that each bridesmaid wears something that suits her & reflects her personality. That idea works so well and it gives it a contemporary edge. I often think that bridesmaid dresses look so fuddy duddy and desperately drab and then it's all topped of with matching, heavily lacquered hairdo's!

It just needs a bit of individual thought, step outside of the box, no need to be wild (you can be though) and do something that's about you and the people involved. The photo above is a good example of something stylish, youthful but not too daring. Go on -let yourself go! There's freedom to be had.

K.I.S.S.-keep it simple stupid

nuptial bliss, originally uploaded by kelebek.

I went to a wedding show yesterday-at Stanmer House in the Sussex Countryside. It's a beautiful old house that went for a song a couple of years ago and has been renovated to it's former glory.It stands in glorious, peaceful grounds and if you want to hire it for your wedding day it costs a mere£5,000 !! Rather steep I think but how much do you want to bet that people stretch their purse strings further than they actually reach to buy themselves a piece of their dream. Yes, it is a special day but special doesn't have to put you in debt or it starts to be not special and turns into a great big headache that brings on anxiety and stress.

I had a stand there to raise awareness of my unique Getting Married from the Inside Out coaching and mentoring service that I offer to those getting married and to let the brides know about my fab wedding planning workshop that I'm running on 13th October in Brighton.

Usually, these wedding shows are hard going. Manic, panicking brides to be, charging from stand to stand, cramming leaflets into their goody bags, getting too much information about too many suppliers and confusing and draining themselves into the bargain. Stress left, right and centre-not for me, for them.

Then there's me, explaining what I do, how I can enhance their wedding journey and all the already marrieds say, 'Oh, if only I'd known about you when I was getting married-I was so stressed and cried all through my wedding,' or 'it took me six months to get over the depression that I felt after the wedding,' or 'I was so nervous, I don't remember any of the ceremony.'

And I say, 'Well, that's why I'm doing this because getting married has gone CRAZY. People need to prepare themselves for the changes that they face, come to terms with things emotionally and psychologically and think about this most significant
Rite of Passage Get ready to get married not just on the outside but on the inside too.'

Slowly but surely I'm battering down the walls of resistance to show people a better way that will bring greater enjoyment and more desirable results. It's a lonely road but it will be worth it in the end.

The main point of this post is that this wedding show was quite enjoyable. Firstly, because of the non corporate setting and general ambience which seemed to affect visitors positively as they came in. Secondly, there was a limited number of stands and suppliers, so people really took their time to talk and find out about things instead of rushing around like headless chickens trying not to miss anything. Which brings me neatly to-less is more. Keep it simple. It always works.That could be a mantra for every bride to be. When fighting the temptation to include every tradition and ritual in to your wedding and every latest nuptial must have-repeat the mantra, breath and relax and step out of that hypnotic wedding zone.

Keep It Simple -simple and stylish- and make your choices based on what you really love and what matters to you. You'll end up with a wedding that has personal meaning that you feel belongs to you and that is a great goal to have for any bride to be.

Beautiful Couple....Shame about the wedding

First I read about the couple who won a competition for a £13,000 wedding to be paid for and arranged by the Lincolnshire Echo and then the couple who won a competition in the US called 'Today throws a Martha Stewart Wedding Contest.' Their original personal, home made $5,000 wedding was cast aside for a half million dollar lavish television wedding live on The Today Show.

Everything was chosen for them by the public -there was no personal input apart from the minister from the brides home town was chosen to marry them. They had a wedding that was remote from who they were as people, which was held outdoors at The Rockerfeller Centre with the traffic zooming by in the background. (Good job they were mic'd up)

The fact is that the majority of these competition weddings are bad karma for want of a better expression. The marriages seem to never quite get of the ground. The radio comp weddings, breakfast TV ones -all of them commercial traps that exploit people searching for what they perceive to be a dream wedding. The biggest winners in these charades are the broadcasting companies that profit greatly form the publicity.

That couples $5,000 wedding would have been gorgeous-all about them, full of love and intimacy and relevant to who they are. Instead they have ended up with a public, commercial extravaganza that they may well have difficulty coming to terms with. Watch the video clip-no sooner have they been pronounced husband and wife then tele people are in their faces for an interview. I feel that they have been robbed of a day of personal, private significance. Course, they may feel quite, quite different.

Hold it flash, bang, wallop what a picture!

Cutting the Cake, originally uploaded by LilRonGal.

I went to a wedding last weekend.(Not this one above-I chose this shot for the fabulous, un-posed cake cutting.) I most loved the spontaneous moment during 'the wedding breakfast' when our Frank Sinatra soundy likey belted out his finale number 'New York New York' and the entire top table rose to their feet with arms aloft. It was heart-warming, funny, unexpected and really and truly in keeping with the vibrant, energetic personality of the bride.

This was a mostly formal, formula wedding which I felt sat uncomfortably with the couple in question. It restrained them instead of setting them free. The ceremony was I thought quite heavy and down beat until the bride spoke her own vows with such honesty, joy and confidence that I began to feel some real moving emotion. It was like the person inside was bursting at the seams to break free from this self imposed conventional wedding structure.

I most disliked the endless, endless photographs. The staged setups, the groupings, the uneccessary moving people from room to room, breaking up the natural flow of the day, to get a good shot when much better, interesting snaps were being taken by everyone else.

Why oh why does this happen. WHY? Some photo sessions go on for two hours or more-it's complete madness! If you like those awful photographs that appear in Hello with groups of celebrities in their best clothes and french manicured hands all smiling their brightest whitest smiles, then you will be in stark disagreement with me.

I understand that people want great photos to look back on but the best I have seen come from the guests being given throw away cameras to capture the day as it really happens. There is no need for formation, perfection or a long list of set ups. Give yourself a break. Let go of the reigns and let your horse gallop wherever it needs to go!

Last Rites or Wedding Rites?

I came across this today-Virginia Ironside wrote in The Oldie:

''But I have to say that, on the whole, I now far prefer funerals to formal weddings.
Why? I always think of people on these occasions as like a group of marbles on the floor. Have a wedding, and dozens more marbles are introduced and everyone gets pushed further and further out; have a funeral and, when one marble is removed from the gathering, the others all move in to close the gap. Funerals are full of compassion, forgiveness, comfort and kindness. Weddings are often places of fear and irritation, as strange people with sometimes opposing views confront each other.''

She's not wrong either. I have been to weddings that have tension positively hanging in the air and it's usually the more formal ones that have done everything by the book, spent all the money and are set on having the day running like clockwork. Somewhere along the line, in the need to impress, prove status and attain perfection, the point is being missed.

The best weddings are the ones that are personal, come from the heart and where the couple involved are surrounded by love and support no matter what other family dramas lay beneath the surface. When people can just forget themselves and enter into the spirit of the day, there is nothing quite like a wedding for warming the cockles of your heart.

Having said that, funerals cut to the chase. They are humbling and often disarming and generally everyone knows what's what. They provide an opportunity to think deeply and contemplate ones life and often , it's true they do bring out the best in people where weddings, sometimes bring out the absolute worst. Ooh, it's a tough call! What's your preference?!!

What is Authentic?

People sometimes look at me blankly when I talk about an authentic wedding. Perhaps it's the context that I am using it in. 'Authentic' means genuine, honest, true, real;of undisputed origin. So, an authentic wedding will be something that has comes from the core of who you are. It will express aspects of yourself, your personality and what matters to you in your life. It will reflect your style, convey your intentions and represent who you both are as people and as a couple. Most importantly, it will be a day that you feel connected to and a wedding that is related to you.

An authentic wedding is a creative act and not a commercial endeavour. There is great pleasure to be had from putting it together and I want to help and inspire people to take this route when they are on the precipice of planning it for themselves.

Lets push aside this idea that wedding planning must be a nightmare turning the majority of brides into emotional wrecks unable to remember huge chunks of their day as the wedding nerves grip and take over completely. Why do people settle for that?

In order to be authentic, it is necessary to know yourself and increase your self awareness so that you can confidently and clearly make the choices that come from within you and not from outside of you; yes, from the Inside Out! It is only when you begin to apply this approach that you realise just how much it can give you in terms of enjoyment and fulfilment and if more people were to go about it in this way it could begin to be seen as something to look forward to and not something to dread.

Surely, life is about getting the most out of these great experiences that make up the stories of our lives-otherwise, really what's the point?

Stress is a choice

My website stats tell me that many, many brides to be are anxious, stressed and nervous. This word stress is overused and really has so many meanings on so many levels. I think its used too lightly where words like irritated, impatient, confused, short fused, overwhelmed, I could go on, would be more appropriate. Why is is important? Well, it is because getting married is automatically linked with stress these days. We are told that certain aspects of wedding planning are stressful, and therefore people expect to be stressed, invite the stress and I believe, sorry, indulge in this stress thing. It does irk me because so much of the positive and joy in getting married and planning a wedding is overlooked,pushed aside or just ignored in favour of joining the stress party.

I want to say, loud and clear that getting married and planning a wedding doesn't have to be stressful. With the right approach, attitude and perception of what it's all about, the experience can be fulfilling, rewarding and life changing. It will be a challenging and demanding journey but anything worth doing in life is just that. When you dig below the surface, the reasons for the so called stress are usually emotional, rarely practical and with a desire to understand it and get to grips with it the situation can be turned around.

Love this quote' It's not the situation that's causing you stress, it's your thoughts, and you can change that right here and now. You can choose to be peaceful right here and now. Peace is a choice and it has nothing to do with what other people do or think. ' Gerald Jampolsky

And the bride wore...Disney

Princess inspired wedding dress anyone? If it's a resounding yes-you are in luck because that is the next thing winging its way across the pond from the Magic Kingdom. Disney have introduced a range of wedding dresses to capture the fairytale image that so many brides associate with getting married.

It launched in The States this summer and its set to reach the UK soon. Clever marketing by a world reknowned brand is sure to be a hit in certain quarters. Personally, need I even say it? This is the commercial world of wedding planning at it's dastardly best and it makes me want to run in the opposite direction. It's true that I never had the fairytale fantasy so I don't know what it feels like but this does seem like the epitome of buying into a dream and that is a real dampener of original thought.BEWARE!

That DRESS!

Here's the perfect example of not getting married from the inside out. This story is a few months old bit I didn't have this blog then and now I do. A very young bride had a 28 stone wedding dress that took 2hrs to get on;it needed about a million people to carry the train and which was 60 ft long and with all that she forgot why she was there in the first place.

I blame the parents. I'm sorry but the greatest memory from that day is more likely to be the back complaints that she will suffer for the rest of her life for spending the whole day in a dress that weighed the same as two blokes.

Yes, I am a life coach and yes, I am non judgemental but not in this case!

Coaching and Getting Married-perfect bedfellows

I will frequently write about this, talk about this and shout it from the rooftops until everyone is bored but also convinced that the process of coaching and the process of getting married are well suited.

Coaching is about enlightenment, self awareness, realising potential , moving forward to somewhere that you desire to be, being the person that you long to be. Getting Married holds those opportunities. To get the most out of getting married, to really understand and embrace this Rite of Passage and come to terms with the transition, the change of status and identity and to get full enjoyment from it-some help is required and I believe, strongly that a tailored coaching programme, even odd coaching sessions are the ideal answer.

And, of course-the wedding.Putting yourself into the creation of your wedding and realising that it can be fulfilling, rewarding, memorable, enjoyable-a brilliant experience- really requires a different approach to the one most commonly used-the endless list checking formula that send people half crazy as they follow the instructions and forget to come up for air.

That's why I'm holding a Creating Your Authentic Wedding Workshop-to show people how they can have a great, free, creative, happy experience.

Wedding Drama

Not a day goes by when I don't read a story, see a forum comment or hear a live conversation about the drama that is involved in getting married. Rarely, do I hear someone say something positive about their wedding planning experience or about how they are feeling themselves learn and grow as they move towards marriage. Generally its complaints about the stress involved in planning a wedding and the hard time they are getting from family, bridesmaids, in laws.

Getting married is a process of change and it affects everyone close to the people involved. Their lives are affected and dynamics are shifting. People become unsettled and uncomfortable with change and especially in the UK, don't or can't express it. Instead, they behave badly and cause argument and hurt.

Getting Married is about so much more than a perfect, happy wedding day. It is about separation, loss, letting go, saying good bye, ends and new beginnings. It isn't easy-it requires, contemplation, communication and understanding on everyone's part for it happen smoothly.

Coaching can help with this massively. Coaching is always helpful at times of transition so that the individual can come to terms with what is happening, prepare for the change and embrace all that it entails.Then they will be able to help the people around them cope and understand it too. My article Dealing with the Drama of Getting Married explains this in a little more depth to help people at least get to grips with why so much conflict and confusion happens at this time.

Communication is the name of the game AND being a kind and generous bride.

Be Free!

How many brides do I meet that have allowed themselves to be bound by the rules? Truthfully, the majority intend to do things by the book and use phrases like 'I'm supposed to do this' and 'I'm meant to do that.' My answer is, 'who says?' I know there is etiquette,tradition, ritual, all those things but really the right way to do things is only the way that is right for you.

I really want to encourage and help people to think for themselves when they are getting married-and have a wedding journey that enriches and colours their lives for the better. It should not be bound by rules; it can be a voyage of self discovery and a time of growth as you plan a day that is relevant to you and your life, your values and beliefs, your intentions and your own style.

Forget all those endless checklists of all that you must have and all that you must do and keep that perfect wedding planning formula at arms distance. Go for something that is essentially you, personal, intimate, joyful. Free yourself from the shackles of commercial wedding planning and venture out on your own road on your terms and see how free you feel. Liberty!

Let your hair down

This is something that increasingly concerns me. I do know why. I keep seeing photographs of youthful brides with very old looking hairstyles piled up on top of their heads. Its seems to have become de rigeur for brides to have a style that they would never dream of wearing any other day in their life -one of curls, ringlets, lots of pins holding pieces, buns, french plaits and chignon type things. Sometimes, they look a bit ridiculous and I often wonder what the groom is thinking when he sees his bride walking towards him with a hairdo that he's never seen before. I'm sure it must throw some of them a bit, especially if they don't like it much.

It has become part of the wedding day 'formula' and brides to be go along for their hair tests and allow these creations to be applied to them without even considering whether it is right for them, suits them, or they really, really want it.

Its great fun for the hairdresser to get the creative juices flowing but does little to allow the bride to express her personal style and personality.

As a coach -it's not for me to say what is right or wrong for a person but I would always encourage and support someone to be who they are in every way especially on their wedding day.

Back to being authentic again-it's what will bring the most pleasure and allow people to connect with themselves and to their wedding day so they don't look back on it and feel like it was happening to someone that they don't recognise.

Beautiful Wedding

Today I was reminded about a wedding that I went to during the summer. I received a link to the photos which captured the spirit of the day exactly as I experienced it. It was the simplest, most unfussy wedding that was so full of joy and genuine intent. It was about family, friends, love and two people who just wanted to be married to each other more than they wanted a wedding.

Happily the bride decided against wedding hair and let it fall naturally down her back and that seemed to epitomise the whole mood-nothing overdone, nothing restrained , everything happening with ease. I have never been to a wedding with such warm and generous guests -the groom said that he felt surrounded by love -thats how he described his wedding day. I think that the guests were a true reflection of the two halves of this newly wed couple and covered all areas of each of their lives.

The simple, pure ceremony took place in a circle with the couple in the middle and the bride said that she loved every single special second of it-she was clearly relaxed, in the moment and able to take everything in.

We later returned to this same room to enjoy a fantastic Eastern inspired feast-with Bills Puddings for dessert! Then a Bhangra Band appeared and brought everyone together with their fantastic dancing and music.

Getting Married from the Inside Out is about preparing emotionally and mentally for the transition from being single to married AND about creating a wedding that is AUTHENTIC to who you are. This was absolutely an authentic wedding that expressed, reflected, represented, and captured the essence and intentions of the two people it involved. This wasn't about impressing guests, living out a fairytale, being the centre of attention or proving their status-this was about declaring their love,a desire to be united as a couple and celebration of life and its great events. Personally, I will remember this day always-I feel privileged to have been invited to witness it-the impact of this great day on the couple can only be positive and it will sit quietly between them as a familiar and reassuring bond for years and years to come. I'll put money on it!